How to POSSIBLY Get Your Ex Back With the No Contact Rule

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I have reading posts left and right trying to give as much positive advice I can to try to help those that right now are having a tough time with break-ups. I know the feelings inside are devistating as well as not being able to turn off the images in your head and of course that feeling of your heart hurting as it pounds out of your chest.

Depression can rob you of sleep, appetite, thinking clearly, making mistakes, and you could possibly start to feel as if you are worthless. Nothing could be further from the truth. First of all…ya have me. I am here and of course you have an army of people all over the world who are on your side and are willing to help you anyway we can whether it be advice, posting comments, or just a simple hello can sometimes make a big difference in someone’s life.

I am a very firm believer of NC. When I say NC…I mean COMPLETE NC. NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.

Here’s why:

If you have been dumped it is typically about the following:

1. Arguing to much
2. Maturity level (to young for a serious relationship)
3. Someone else came along
4. “Need Space”
5. An ex came BACK in the picture
6. Money
7. Someone cheated on you or vice versa
8. You were not what they hoped for in the first place.
9. Pregnancy

I am sure there are several more but I wanted a quick list.

When an ex breaks up with you, what are they initially saying? They are saying I do not want to date you anymore. They are telling you THEIR rules. They are telling you sometimes “We can still be friends”. I agree with this last statement BUT only after a certain amount of time has been given. How much time? You can determine this time by asking yourself this question. “Could I handle seeing my ex with someone new?” If not….wait..if so, you’re going to be fine.

My idea of NC is give the ex EXACTLY what they asked for. They want to breakup…no problem. You’re not playing a game. You are not worth dating anymore but we can still hang out? What is THAT about!

You need to stand up for yourself (even though it hurts so much) an realize you are somone that deserves respect and if you don’t want to love me or even if you say love me…its by YOUR rules not mine. That is a selfish love. Saying you love someone and showing no love is cruel. It sets expectation on those who NOW expect to BE loved.

Give them what they asked for NOT what they want. You may not like the idea of NC. I understand that feeling. I know the feelin in your stomach that makes you want call them or just hear their voice. I have been there. I am an advocate AGAINST the common mistakes because I have done them all.

Everyone situation is different. There is no magic formula for success but you can increase your odds with an ex ONLY after you get yourself together. Calling an ex begging to take you back is NOT SEXY…it is not the impression you want to give either. What IS attractive is self confidence. Pick your chin off the floor and stop moping around waiting for the phone to ring. Ever watched a pot of water boil…it never does unless you walk away. (Figure of speak- a watched pot never boils) This applies EXACTLY the same. When you learn to LET GO of the expectation of getting your ex back it is USUALLY the same time they walk back in your life.

If you hold a wet bar of soap too tightly, what happens? It slips out of your hand.

Think about the above analogy very carefully. If you hold on to your ex too tightly…

I am not however saying to forget your ex. I am saying to shift the gears in reverse and concentrate on YOU. YOU are the one that matters right now. The ball is in your court. Work out…take up a class, read a book, learn to cook..etc etc. Stop wasting valuable time sulking about something you have NO CONTROL over. You do have control over YOU.

If you obsess about your ex, what good comes from it? What does it do to make you feel better about yourself? Absolutely NOTHING. Let me make this perfectly clear, you may feel worthless or depressed but you need to get off your hiney and go to the mirror and look at youself and say “I deserve better, I am someone, You may not love me but I love myself and THAT is what matters.”

It’s ok to feel heartbroken and down. Those are typical feelings and are very natural and needed for the healing process to start. What is NOT natural is process this to go on for months, even years.

The question that I get the most is “How do I get my ex back”…as well as “How can NC get my lover back?”..

The answer is…

THERE IS NO ANSWER….. Several factors have to come into play for this to work. Love is a 1 in 4 chance. for example:

1. If I love you and you don’t love me – Won’t work

2. You love me and I don’t love you – Won’t work

3. We both do not love one another – Won’t work

4. We both love one another – Could work

Notice I did not say WILL work. It is possible to get an ex back. Absolutely. But sometimes there is resentment of hard feeling especially if they were with another while you were apart. It will take alot of mutual understanding and communication between both parties.

I got my ex back when I realized I didn’t need her. I finally realized that I could be happy with or wthout her and I SHOWED IT THROUGH NC.

The key is not TELLING SOMEONE “I think we should do NO CONTACT”…. JUST DO IT. CUT THEM OFF out of the blue. Wait until you are ready.

By doing this, you are DEMONSTRATING instead of TALKING.

Talk is cheap..we all know this. “I will change”…”It will be different”…. Talking right after a breakup is really NOT a good idea because someone is hurting (if not both parties) and things can be said that could hurt your future chances of opening the door again.

By following NC and working on yourself….simple enough “YOU HEAL” and become stronger. Learn from your mistakes…

Life is waaaaay to short to be upset or depressed. Now get up and BE SOMEBODY…BE SOMEBODY for the rest of your life.

You can get through this…I did and I am here if you need me.

-Your friend,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic Forum

 

Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad

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Hello my friends at theLoveLogic,

I see the same posts over and over. People so distraught over their situation that they believe their situation is different from the thousands posted in the “Getting Back together” forum alone. I named this post after a famous song by the Def Leppard.

It has come to my attention that many people want alternative to NC because they feel hopeless without it. Most of us feel this way because we are to concerned with getting someone back rather than fixing the issues within ourselves. Its nothing more than your comfort zone.

Several of us, you know who you are, feel that midnight promises gone by dawn will make the difference in convincing someone back to you. It won’t work. Have you ever heard of the story about the boy who cried wolf? It’s about a young shepherd-boy who claims there is a wolf prowling around his flock of sheep 3 times when in all reality there wasn’t. In the process, a nearby hunter would come running to his rescue only to find the child laughing. The last time the boy cried wolf, there WAS a wolf and the hunter feared it was again a prank and didn’t come. The flock was eatten.

The moral of the story was “There is no believing a liar, even when he speaks the truth.”

When you plead, beg, text message, “happen to run into them while out”..no matter what you call it…it is self defeating. You are telling yourself that to be happy, you MUST be with this person. I hear “But we were so happy in the beginning”…noooooo kidding? Wow!!…I figured that otherwise you wouldn’t be here like the rest of us. I know what it is like to have that pain in your chest, I know what it is like to feel hopeless, I know what it is like to sit in bed and cry because you feel as if your life partner is gone and possibly with someone else. I know what it is like to think of them constantly and have it interfere with my work. I have been there and done that.

I get emails and private messages all the time wanting me to answer questions that people already have the answers to. They know what to do but they just won’t do it. Why would it make any difference if I told them what they already know? It doesn’t. When a relationship goes bad, the thing you do not want to do is make it worse.

Do you realize that EXCUSES for contact are the number one reason that people PUSH OTHERS away. If you dated someone for 2 months to 10 years ( or more ) they will NOT FORGET ABOUT YOU ….relax. Take a deep breath.

****WARNING****

Do you want them to remember you in a crazy way? Keep trying to contact them over and over and over. If you broke up and you are deperate enough to say “But I love you” or “I have/will Change”, “Things will be different” and the WORST is “I PROMISE”.

If you love someone…..do you feel you are going to win them over when you didn’t show them everyday how special they were but now, since they left, you ahve changed? I don’t think so and neither do they.

To the ladies out there..a man that wants you back will SAY ANYTHING to try and convince you because men do not know any better because their ego and comfort zone has been breeched. For the men, most women SHOW you that it is over…they don’t call, they don’t text, they don’t do anything to SHOW YOU and you end up crushed. Men want the very words they tell women..They EXPECT a woman to TELL them “I miss you” ..”I love you”….”I want you back”…Are you seeing my point? WE DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT EACH OTHER WANTS…THIS IS WHY WE PUSH PEOPLE AWAY. If men would SHOW women..and women would tell men what they want…..MAYBE ..just maybe we could get somewhere.

Honesty is always the best policy. If someone has lied to you, what make you think the won’t do it again? I believe in second chances..but I have to be convinced. ( SHOW ME..don’t tell me ). The art of self control is a very liberating feeling. To me, I would assume it would be like a drug addict trying to quit cold turkey. They have feelings and cravings they reall DON’T NEED but they are desperate because of the FEELINGS they had when on the drug. I hope this is sinking in. Its called ADDICTION. When you realize, no matter how long it takes, that YOU are in charge of you and no one can take THAT away from you ….you start to be more confident.

What is confidence? A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance. What are MOST people attracted to…..CONFIDENCE among other things of course. When we look like a scolded puppy, and show desperation to someone and try to convince them AFTER the fact, tht you care about them….its an insult. You didn’t call them 5 days before the breakup because you were busy yet you call them every hour on the hour now? How do you think this makes you look? I will tell you….AN IDIOT.

Plain and simple. You didn’t show up when they asked you to be somewhere because you “had better things to do” and they treat you coldly or leave you…..YOU DID IT TO YOURSELF.. It’s not their fault. Whey would you try to convince someone you love them WHEN IT DIDN:T MATTER TO YOU THEN? Again….you look like an idiot and the more calling, pleading and begging you do…. the worst category of all is A CRAZY IDIOT.

There are exceptions to everything. I want those out there with broken hearts that you CAN be happy again and you CAN get on with your life. Listen to what I said…”YOU CAN GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE” Your life is your’s. Don’t ever….ever let anyone bring you down becaus eyou were somebody BEFORE you met your ex.

You were happy, confident and fun. you can be again with the right attitude and common sense. Relax….take a deep breath and make tomorrow different from today. Be blessed for this forum where you can come an share you thoughts, your fears and have those like myself that truely care about you. Sure we are posts yet we are real people behind them. I have been wher you are and my goal is to try and help as many people as I possibly can…why…because God know’s I wanted help too.

The person that finally made the difference…..was me.

Take care..and God bless

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic Forum

Break Ups Don’t Always Mean That It’s Over

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Hello Everyone,

I have read countless posts here regarding break-ups and heartache. I to remember the depression diet as well as the many hours of thinking of the worst case scenerio. The mind can be a cruel thing if you don’t get a hold of yourself in moments of weakness and hurt. I am living proof that relationships CAN be rekindled and better than before. There has been many post with wonderful advice….the key to all of the advice here is you must choose to take it or leave it. If you do not have a plan, you’re lost. It will be difficult to find what you are hoping for otherwise.

Break-ups, though they hurt, need to be looked at from a different point of view rather than OVER. Someone once said that if you take the “L” out of LOVER that it is OVER……..not true.

Rule 1.
Relax…take a deep breath and let it out. As long as you two are not dead there is hope, even if the other is involved.

Rule 2.
Be patient. Remember this…if you focus on them and NOT YOU..you are in for a rude awakening. People need time to reflect on “What just happened?” If you sit in a room and ponder what you did wrong with the light out listening to bad AIR SUPPLY tunes…your not focusing. There is nothing wrong however with grieving….been there…done that. (Just stay away from AIR SUPPLY)

Rule 3.
I believe with all that I am in the NO CONTACT rule. Why do ya ask? Well, pleading will get you NO where and you come off as weak and needy. No one likes signs of desperation. This also applies to those out there that want to send flowers and gifts….THEY WON’T WORK!! Any gift will be looked at as manipulation. A big no no. The way I see it is if you do not contact the other..you make NO MISTAKES!!! Makes sense! If you Pick up the phone …chances are you will get hurt whether it was something they say to you, or something you said to them….it usally makes you feel worse as you dig into Blue Bell ice cream asking yourself “Why the HELL did I say that!!!??”

Rule 4.
See Rule 3 again..IT’S THAT IMPORTANT!!

Rule 5.
Work on yourself! After a good grieving period (only you know how long) you need to work on you. Do this FOR YOU..not them. Wanna lose some weight, need a new outfit, get those power tools if ya want’em…
Focus on you and think about what happened in the relationship…What would you change if you had them back? Do you need them back or do you WANT them back? <– HUGE Difference. Were your needs being fulfilled while in the relationship? If not, why? THese were things I asked myself while I was away from my girl.

Rule 6.
They will call..JUST BE PATIENT!!! I promise you…..this almost NEVER fails. The key is NOT TO CALL THEM FIRST…try not to grab the phone as soon as it rings or maybe even don’t pick it up. Make yourself LESS available. This is HARD AS HELL TO DO (I can’t lie) but if you do…they will want to contact you more and more. Its a reverse psycology thing.

Rule 7.
Stay calm and don’t ask STUPID questions….(i.e. Have ya slept with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ yet? or how is your new @#$%^ loser boyfriend?)

If you be someones friend rather than bombard them with questions…you come off as more relaxed and together. People tend to tray away from crazy people (ha ha) I woudl stray away from using the “LOVE” word as well….people tend to run like FOREST GUMP when hearing it after a break-up or it just hurts to bad.

Rule 8.
Take is slow!. Don’t rush. Be their friend most of all and let them open up to you if they want. Don’t criticize or blame for mistakes that led to the break-up. Listen…..they will tell you and show you what they are feeling…..when I say listen..I mean with your ears and your heart.

Rule 9
Use your best judgement…….Remember….if you screw up and go to fast, or blame or any of the other HORRIBLE things that people do when they break-up..its your own fault. I am not saying other poeple are not cruel but if YOU make the mistakes…my point taken.

Rule 10
If they come back..DO NOT TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED!!! Love them like there is NO TOMORROW!!!

These are just a few things to think about on your road to getting back together. You can do it!! I know you can….Keep your head on straight and focus….Remember..you goal is to have them back again in your arms FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!!

Take care and good luck to you all…

Feel free to send me an PM if you would like…I will be more than happy to listen…

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

PS. Remember….Everyone has a different situation….in my post above I used the term “rules”. Please keep in mind these are basic guidelines that you could follow. The main thing is to maintain control of you. No one can change you BUT YOU. If you are basing your happiness on someone else..then it won’t work. You need to be happy with yourself first.

Keep in mind some poeple in this world are in love with the FEELING of being loved or wanted. Do not mistake this feeling for the real thing. Look inside yourself and ask yourself what you expect of someone and don’t settle. If the one you love can’t meet what you deserve..maybe it was better that your apart.

In closing….

If there is a core of loving between two people, I believe that it can be rekindled better than ever…the key ladies and gentlemen is not falling in love……IT’S STAYING IN LOVE

Just my 2 cents worth..

theLoveLogic Forum

A Letter to Myself

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My Dearest ( Insert your name here),

I sit here with thoughts of you in my heart and the memories of us play in my head like a great love story wishing only for a happy ending. I remember the times I held you close to me, the way you made me feel is like no other. I miss you so much. I feel as if I have had the air knocked not only from my lungs but my heart. I can’t breathe without you. If you only knew how much you mean to me maybe you could understand that the pain I feel is real. I took your love for granted. I felt as if nothing could take you away from me. I was so wrong. I have the tears to show for it.

My life is not the same without you. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t even go outside without remembering how many times we held hands and walked down the same street. The old proverb states you don’t know what you have until it’s gone but I knew what I had. I just didn’t let you know how much you meant to me. It was there….it has always been here for you. The secret to love is not falling in love…its staying in love.

I never meant to hurt you. I only hurt us by not allowing myself to feel the way my heart was telling me to. If I only knew that would be our last kiss, I would have made it last. The smell of you skin….the way it felt against mine. I would sit and watch you sleep thinking how lucky I am to have you in my life…..you make my heart smile. I wish I were one of your tears, for I would always sparkle in your eyes, caress you soft cheek and then die on your lips. I love you with all I am. I want you to understand that I know this is for the best right now. I know you are hurting to. I know we need this time to work on ourselves. The most loving thing I can offer you beside me….is you. Love in patient, love is kind, love is not jealous or boastful. Please be careful on your journey without me because you carry something very precious to me…you have my heart.

Our paths may someday meet again but please know that I am who I am because of you. You have helped me to realize that love does exsist and that the path of true love never runs smooth. I am here for you. Don’t worry about me. If I get lonely, all I have to do is close my eyes and you are there…beside me…smiling…and holding me close to you because I know deep in my heart that you will always love me to.

Love,

Me

theLoveLogic Forum

Learning Not To Become “Plan B”

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The scene is set months after a break. No contact has been initiated on both sides and the phone has been silent for months. “I wonder if they miss me. I wonder if they still think of me. I miss them so much but I don’t miss the arguing” you tend to tell yourself. You tend to over compensate the truth and tell yourself “I am better of without them anyway” sadly your heart is hurting as your brain tries to understand why.

Weeks go by and you bump into an old friend that knew your ex. You stop and exchange pleasantries and you make it an effort not to mention “their” name. You are running late for a meeting and you have to cut it short but you do wave goodbye, smile and thank them for stopping to say hello.

Two days later, your phone vibrates as you are brushing your teeth to meet friends out for drinks. You pick it up and out of the blue, it reads “Hello ..remember me?” You eyes begin to get bigger as your heart speeds up.

“What do I do?..Should I respond?” Before you know it you hastily reply. The exchange is a plesant one yet you ask your self why? “I thought they were dating ?”

One thing leads to another and BAM…before you know it you are sitting in a local bar fixing your hair like mad and constantly watching the door. You begin to sweat out of sheer nervousness and you can’t stop figiting with a bar napkin that has been place under your first drink.

The door opens and for the first time in 8 months, your ex is standing in front of you scanning the room and locking eyes with you only to give a big smile.

“Hey, how’s it going?”..”Good Good…and you?” “Really good, thanks for asking? “You look like you have lost weight?” they say. “I have. I have been trying to get back into shape for a while and I had pleanty of time to get that going.”

Hours go by. The early evening has turned into night and you must say goodnight.

“I really appreciate you meeting me out.” “Yeah, you to”, they say. “It’s great seeing you again.” You both exchange a quick hug. You have to tell yourself not to hold on to tight because that would only give you away. I pray they can’t feel my heart pounding.

Fast forward 3 days. The silly text messages and banter are coming at regular intervals during the day. Emails are exchanged and even your “nickname” they called you resurfaces. The smile that was once lost begins to emerge as hope opens the door to your heart and peeks out just to see what is going on outside.

You meet for another date and then another. Four dates later, “it” happens. You find yourself getting dressed at 6:30am to start getting ready for work. On your way home, you reflect on what happened and the way ity made you feel. The radio is filled with songs you can FINALLY relate to again. You start to sing alittle as you drive. Nothing is going to stop you now

or is it…

You text and wait. You email and wait. Nothing. “They must be busy”. You wait and wait until you patience turns to worry. “They will call..I know they will. Wow, what an amazing night! I wonder what they are thinking right now?” You tend to smile as you daydream of what once was.

The evening at home turns dark. “Where are they and why haven’t they called?”

Fast forward 4 days…

Nothing. Not a text, not an email, not a phone call. Your smile has been replaced with anger and you feel as used as the condom that was discarded after your night of “passion”.

Two weeks later, you receive a phone call from a good friend of yours. You have been holding this a secret for so long that you gush and tell your friend everything. You finally start to cry scream out loud “WHY!!?!…WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME?”….

“Are you ok?…Do you want me to come over?” your friend asks. “I may know why they did this?”…..”WHAT!?” you say out loud. “COME OVER!!!”

An hour later your friend is sitting beside you and hands you the local newspaper pointing to the “Engagement” section.

“I had no idea you saw them…let alone ANYTHING happen between you…they were married yesterday.”

Your heart sinks and depression comes knocking where hope used to live.

-SuperDave71

theLoveLogic Forum

Love is Patient, Love is Kind

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Have you ever wondered while having a rough relationship issue, why you felt the way you did? Where does all the sadness come from? How come at the drop of a hat, the tears can pour out of your eyes and start to flow down your cheeks like little raindrops. The question is why?

I know the scientific reason but how drab. We turn on the news and see tragedy everyday. We often tell ourselves “Oh how horrible for them”…as we give it 3 seconds thought and go on about what we were doing.

Life and experience go hand and hand in my opinion. My beliefs are that you make the best of life with what you have. In my own life, if I didn’t have something I wanted, I want it more and I tend to work harder at achieving my ultimate goal….to have it. It can be a car, a house, a new outfit, a new guitar…let your mind go wild.

As human beings, we all get in a huge hurry to have everything NOW…

Fast food…fast cars…microwave this…10 minute abs…eyeglasses in an hour…the list goes on and on. Most everyone has a cell phone that they can not only communicate through talking…but can also text and take photos…

We want it soon..we want it fast….and we want it now. I am going to give you a bit of a secret that you might now realize because it is against everything society teaches us….its just the way the world has become.

The secret is….sometimes we need to STOP and smell the roses.

What this old expression means is….sometimes we have to slow down…breathe in and out and take in the beauty around us. When we are in a hurry, we can miss a beautiful sunset, we can walk right by a blooming flower, we can overlook the puffy, white clouds in the sky…

Sometime when we get in such a rush…we forget about things….we tend to make more mistakes because we are furiously trying to finish for the sake of being done, rather than take your time, analyze the problem and then create a solution….no matter what the problem.

Nature itself has a way of slowing us down….

We can’t surface too quickly from the depths of the ocean because of the pressure…

We can’t run thru caves to get to the other side…if there is one

Forrests can be thick with brush and wood…we must take our time in order not to be lost, hurt or even killed…

Weather can also be a factor in slowing us down….

Those who know me from this forum assume sometimes that I am a hero of some sort; that I am someone special because I got back together with my ex and I post advice almost weekly and sometimes daily. The fact is I am a simple guy…not a doctor….not a therapist…..I am just me. I am here to tell you one of my secrets. Ya can’t buy it in a book…I would NEVER change you for it….it will change you life if you accept it…and its something you have always known.

SLOW DOWN….take your time and think about what your doing.

This is a healing forum…not getting back together but this secret also applies. There may be days where you don’t even want to get out of bed….there may be days when you think you feel better and then the next you feel even worse than when you first began. I have been there….I have done that and come out clean and clear on the other side.

You may be sitting there feeling better about your situation today….you may feel worse….I have NO idea what you are going thru but I can tell you this…If you let it, it will ALWAYS GET BETTER.

I want you all to konw something from the bottom of my heart. When I tell you that things will get better…I speak from experience…not just empathy. We have all heard the same thing over and over from those who think they are helping us feel better with phrases like:

There are other fish in the sea..

There are 1000 of men/women out there that woudl kill for a person like you…

They just didn’t know what they had…

Any girl/guy would kill to be with you….

Yadda yadda yadda….

Ladies and gentlemen…when I say “Things will get better”..I indeed mean it 100%. I have been on my knees crying my eyes out and in time and making myself realize that it is about me…..that I was able to get off my knees…..stop crying and stand tall. I am the man I am today because of it.

I am not arrogant, I am not against getting back together with an ex, I am not anyone special…I do NOT have all the answers..I do NOT expect you to follow my advice. I am here of my own free will doing what I can to maybe touch the heart of at least one person out there that needs it. We all want to be heard and appreciated for what we bring to the table…

Our thoughts..
Our talents…
Our very lives…
Our values..

The list goes on and on. You are somebody. You are somebody that matters to not JUST ONE PERSON….you matter to so many and you may not realize it because of the way you feel right now. If you are sitting there in your room ..in the dark…with tears in your eyes…and yelling at the monitor “NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME!!” …I am here to yell back at you….

BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU!!!! There are thousands of people all around the globe that come here to listen..to write..to find answers…to find friends …to find a solution…to give friendly advice but the fact is…WE ARE HERE TOGETHER.

If you feel as if you don’t matter..your wrong. If you feel betrayed and lonely….your not. I am here with you….you can ask any question ya want..or I can just sit here and read what you have to say…but you are not alone.

You matter. You may feel down and out because of a breakup or divorce….you may wonder what your next move is..you may be thinking as you read this that maybe a divorce is what you need or maybe DON’T need. Should you breakup with your lover? Should you try and reconcile?

What is the answer?!?!? What should I do?!!?!? I NEED ANSWERS!!!!

The answer is simple…..SLOW DOWN…take your time (if you can). Look up at the sky and see the clouds…smell the flowers, watch the children playing in the park…listen to the ocean waves if you can…just slow down.

Think before you make any decisions. You may be happy..you may be lonely and unhappy…you could be on the verge of a major decision but you need to stop and think about it…think about the cause and effect of the solution you create for yourself and situation.

You can accomplish anything you want ladies and gentlemen….if you want it badly enough….NOTHING but NOTHING could ever stand in your way.

I am a firm believer in you can’t make people love you, but you sure can make them NOT love you. Begging, pleading, jealousy, arrogance, narcissism, calling too much, texting, too many questions you expect to be answered, IM’ing, facebook, myspace….

LET IT GO…stop pushing and let the dust settle. Let time heal your wounds of the heart. Time and self-love can cure almost anything. There are those out there that don’t believe in loving yourself. Years ago, I was trying to use other people to fill my OWN void of not loving me 100%. Sadly, those relationships failed EVERY TIME.

I believe in the power of positive thinking. I believe in the law of attraction…within reason BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE AT ALL IN the thought process of “If I do this…they will DO/THINK this”. If you think for one moment that healing comes quickly…..you’re wrong. Ever skinned your knee? How long did a physical injury take to heal? A few weeks maybe? Now throw your heart in the mix….you mind will play back all the good times you had….you will at first want them back ….ya can’t sleep, ya can’t eat…you feel hopeless. Does that take just a few weeks to heal…

You tell me………mine took over two years. I was still skeptical even after we got back together…but she earned me back. Her actions were consistent and what I wanted all along.

Ladies and gentlemen of theLoveLogic….you can get thru whatever your personal demons are. It will take you some time but it will start getting better. I am living proof.

If you are thinking you don’t know what love is anymore…I have a few perfect examples that love is alive and well and does exsist despite what you may be feeling.

Get a hug from a child….let them wrap their arms around you and hold tightly…

Look around any park, mall, airport, beach, restuarant.etc etc…and watch elderly couples. They still hold hands, they still open car doors if they are able to for one another, they still have that magic and love between them…

Listen to and Tony Bennett album…you will smile just hearing his voice…

Read anything Shakespeare..

Two words…Luciano Pavarotti….

Look in your neighborhood for a man buying flowers…

At night, look for couples that still dress up…go out and have a good time.

You can still have all of this….your life is not over…NOT BY A LONG SHOT!!!

I am with you all the way if you need me….and I have an army of caring people right behind me. SMILE!!! and the world smiles with you!!

I believe in God…and his loving ability to handle all things including my life. I trust in God and to him I am forever forgiven and blessed.

I leave you with these words…You are loved…now, tomorrow and forever

1 Corinthians 13- The Holy Bible

Love is Patient
Love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth

It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins;
but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or
tongues, they will cease; or
knowledge, it will be superseded.
For we know in part and we prophecy in part.
But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded.
When I was an infant,
I spoke as an infant,
I reckoned as an infant;
when I became [an adult],
I abolished the things of the infant.
For now we see through a mirror in an enigma, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know as also I was fully known.
But now remains
faith, hope, love,
these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Your friend,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic Forum

After the Love is Gone

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Hello everyone…

Whether you are broken hearted from the loss of a loved one, marriage, family, an ex lover….No matter what you situation, now matter how down you may feel right now….I will make a promise to you all….no matter where you are in the world…

THINGS WILL GET BETTER……if you allow them to.

I added the “if you allow them to” because alot of us assume time is the answer….I agree to a certain extent but I believe the truth lies in allowing yourself to heal.

One thing we know that never changes is that time never stops. Time always moves forward….we can’t stop it…..like death…it is certain.

Years ago, I was hurt like so many of you out there. I couldn’t do anything without letting the sadness overtake me. I, without me knowing, put my happiness on someone else. If I couldn’t have them, I couldn’t be happy. For those out there that have this type of mentality, you have my sympathy. I could not have been more wrong. I spent months crying, obsessing about my situation, my life without her, and why this was happening to me.

Plain and simple, I had a lesson to learn….a very hard lesson. It wasn’t til I was at my lowest point that I realized that it wasn’t punishment from God…or whatever you believe….it was something that “Life” was teaching me. Ask any elderly person out there what “life” lessons that have learned in there time here on earth and I can almost guarantee they can go on and on…the reasoning is because they HAD to learn.

When I was a child, I tried to put my hand on the eye of a stove when it was turned on….it was hot but my mother pulled my hand back before I could do so….what did I learn from it?

Two things

1. The eye of a stove can be very hot and I could get burned….
2. Listen to other people that are more experienced…they have lessons to teach.

I know you may be hurting right now. I cried many nights into a pillow as a 34 year old man because I “couldn’t live with out her”. I cried in the shower….I cried at work…I cried in the car when a certain song would play because I would think of my past with her…

Been there …done that. I am living proof ladies and gentlemen that if you stop and DO YOUR BEST to look at the lesson rather than the problem that you will begin to learn…

Am I insinuating you have done something wrong or is the reason why you are in your current situation because of something YOU did?

NOT AT ALL…not even close.

What I have come to realize in my short time on this earth, that if I die tomorrow, ….that no one…BUT NO ONE can prevent me from loving me.
Is this selfish to say? No. I disagree with anyone that would challenge me. When I look in the mirror, I see me. I do not see anyone else BUT me. I know what I am thinking at all times. I know my thoughts, I know MY dreams, I know what I like, I know what I don’t like, I know what makes me happy, I know everything about me..without guessing nor assuming anything.

No one is responsible for my happiness BUT ME. What does this mean? It means I love the people that come in and out of my life and appreciate each one individually and the lessons they teach me. There are so many wonderful things in the world we DON’T appreciate because we put too much emphasis on the very thing we assume is responsible for our complete happiness and when it is gone………we become “lost”.

When do we appreciate things the most? Sadly, most of us at one time or another tend to appreciate it only after it is gone….or we can’t have it anymore. People sadly get taken for granted every day. I have learned to appreciate everything about me and my life circumstances. I have such positive energy inside and out that it radiates in all I do.

I learned to pick myself up and move on. Was it hard….Absolutely! The things in life that we think are the most difficult, tend to be the very things when we overcome it, no matter if it is a problem in our lives or maybe a math problem on the blackboard, that make us the proudest.

Why is this? I will tell you….

When we don’t believe we can do something….and we end up doing it and doing well…we are in disbelief and shock because we actually took the time to provide a solution for ourselves. No one lives our lives but us…the individual.

We all have hopes and dreams…..we all have individual goals we may have had for years….before your current situation ever occurred. How many time I have heard the same thing over and over…

“I wish I had never met “.

Why? Why is it that when negative things occur, that we always look at the negative instead of the positive. Looking back on life, I have said this silly statement before. I am guilty as charged but I have learned to be a better person for it.

What have I learned? I have learned that being negative only brings more negativity. Some call it the “Law of attraction”…I call it common sense.
We all have choices….some are easier to make than others. I am not by any means trying to give an overall solution….but providing “food for thought”. We make poor choices, have done stupid things….say hurtful things we didn’t mean….we have learn to hate…instead of being the better person. As a chlid, we learned that lying COULD get you out of trouble….and the truth can be so difficult to tell sometimes not only for us…but for those it involves.

You can be happy….no matter how down you are…no matter how lonely…no matter how defeated you may feel….YOU CAN DO ANYTHING if you allow yourself to.

If someone doesn’t love you…….I am sorry….NOT for you…BUT FOR THEM……

Read that again…

If someone doesn’t love you…….I am sorry….NOT for you…BUT FOR THEM……

You are a treasure…..you are a gift that is to be appreciated until you take your last breath. You can make a difference in your own life NOT to worry about what someone else my say or assume about you.

NO ONE but NO ONE..knows you best…..THAN YOU! Self love can be the most difficult lesson you can learn. We tend to dream of that “someone” that will come along and just understand how we work and feel. Some call this our soul mate. Do I believe in soul mates….? Not really….I believe in me 100%. I have too much love to give for free to the people that SHOW ME LOVE.

Actions speak louder than words…..don’t let words stand in your way. Don’t ever let ANYONE tell you that you can’t do anything…

You can do anything….no matter what it is…

All you have to do is believe in yourself. If you have made mistakes in your life up to this point….don’t push blame….take responsibility for ONLY the things you need to and learn from it…move on and teach those who will be in your situation possibly down the road.

Don’t be afraid….fear can only hold you back. Let it go…let go of the “what if’s…” Go with what you know is a fact….not what you assume or wish….

To each and everyone of you…I want you to know something…

No matter who you are….no matter where you are…no matter how down and out you may feel….

there is hope…there is forgiveness….there is a lesson…and there is a long, and happy life waiting for you on the otherside of your sadness.

Forgive yourself of past mistakes and move on…..love yourself and let yoru confidence SHINE bright. Radiate what you have learned and SMILE again! You can do it….I am living proof that you can do it.

All it takes is a simple decision to let go of sadness and past hurt…

You can do it….Ya wanna know why? You may be sitting there reading this post doubting every word I say….but listen carefully

I mean this with all I am ….

I believe in you…..and all that you are.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic Forum

I Only Know That I Love You

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The room is dark with the dim light of candles burning; dancing with the melody of the air as it gently glides by. The wine glasses are barely empty with only a small sip left waiting at the bottom though warm from time standing still. This very evening was created for you by the grace of God.

The weight of her head on your chest makes you wrap your arms around her and hold her closer to you as you stroke her hair gently with your fingers. You glace at her soft, angelic face and notice her lips creasing upward around the outter edges showing you that smile you fell in love with years ago. Her lips are intoxicating. The very shades of red and pink are faded from kissing her softly for hours; the taste of wine still lingers sweetly on her mouth.

Slowly she lifts her head from your chest looking you at you in your tired blue eyes and whispers the very words you will never grow tired of hearing. “I love you baby…” she pauses “I have never loved another nor will I ever love anyone like I love you. I thank God everyday that you found me. I could not have asked for anything more. I just wanted you to know that.” Slowly, she places her head back on your chest as your heart not only swells but is bursting with the very feelings you felt the moment, the very hour, the minute you knew that you loved her. Words cannot match nor compare the feelings you have inside. Your very soul is smiling. You have never had a night like this before. Not this one. This one is forever. This is the one that you prayed for. Tears silently fall yet they are tears of joy. They slowly fall from your chin as she silently sleeps.

You whisper “I love you too baby”.

We have all had that magical night. The kind of night that you wish so badly you could have again and again. What made it so special? So memorable? What it your partner? Was it the location? Maybe it was the mood? Have you ever wondered, if money were no object and you could go back in time to your most memorable night, would you change anything? For the most of it, the answer would reasonably be “I wouldn’t change a thing.” Money can’t buy you love. No matter what the cost, material goods, like people, age and have a normal wear and tear. What about love? For those reading this and have had a successful relationship or marriage, have love changed or has it developed with age, like a fine wine?

What is a thread like this doing in a healing section?

I want you to close your eyes after reading this and think about your magical night. No one will ever be able to take that away from you. You can re-live that memory as many times as you want. I want you to reflect back and FEEL it. Don’t think of it visually. I want you to feel it. Do you best to remember how you FELT…REALLY CONCENTRATE ON THIS ONE.

Think about:

-What did they look like?
-How did they smell?
-Remember the feeling of warmth you felt as their arms wrapped around
you when they saw you
-Think about the mood? Where were you?
-Can you remember the sounds around you?
-Think about their lips and how they tasted as your kisses lingered?
-When the night was over, and they drove off, walked inside, or possibly picked up…how did you feel?

When you read the following examples, be honest and post if you smiled EVEN for an instant.

Am I trying to hurt those who are already hurting? Am I trying to be cruel and bring up a faded, painful memory that you assume will never be again?

No, not at all. I want those who are hurting to understand that the feelings you felt are perfectly natural and you can relive those memories if even for a moment. Why would you want to do that if you are hurting? It releases endorphins from your brain and make the body “feel” more relaxed.

There are so many out there who choose to feel sorry for yourself and look at the doom and gloom of life after a breakup. You’re not pretty enough? You’re too old? You don’t make enough money? You do this and you don’t that….

Let me burst your “poor pitiful me” bubble for a moment. You have heard me give many a lesson, but I am not a teacher, I am also a student. I merely try to give advice based on what I have learned. We call this experience…

Before you worry about sending a good-bye forever email, before you worry about deleting someone from your myspace friends list, before you wonder if you should send that “I miss you” text message….

STOP…stop, take a deep breath and think about this…

What is it really going to matter if you DON’T send an email, a text, a smoke signal, a telegram, a fax, a love note, a phone call….

Does ANY OF THE ABOVE TASKS make love magically GO AWAY or FADE!

Have you EVER IN THE HISTORY OF YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY OR RELATIVES head ANYONE say…..

“They immediately STOPPED loving them when they were deleted off of their friends list, buddy list, messenger, cell phone or any other RIDICULOUS device. How elementary is that? How childish? To think that love fades so quickly…open your mind and stop being dramatic for one moment.

Love is like a cinder in a camp fire from the night before….you may wake up and “see” the fire is out, yet DEEP INSIDE, the cinders burn JUST AS HOT…they just need some attention to get them going again.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not camparing loving somoene to a campfire but the IDEA of the core of love DOES NOT JUST GO AWAY.

To put it bluntly..not even death can stop someone from loving you.

Have you ever lost a friend or family member? The day they passed, did you stop loving them? Silly question indeed.

Let go of “I have to do something before they go away…”

LET THEM GO!!! You will hurt..sure you will, but if you don’t push and do foolish things to prove that they are justified from walking away…they MIGHT ….JUST MIGHT COME BACK…

BUT….

I caution you

Listen very carefully,

The moment you let “I will wait for them to come back” and let it take root in your heart, that is where you will stay. You will not get better. You will not move forward. You will not stop thinking of your ex or your partner. You will not start to sleep better. You appetite will not come back. You will not enjoy YOUR LIFE…..YOUR LIFE, NOOOO ONE ELSE’S
If you want to be dramatic and say they were the one for you, please by all means do so.

Do us all a favor and add something to that last statement…

Add this “They were the one for me” AS OF RIGHT NOW <– Add this to the end.

We have NO idea what is going to happen tomorrow. Stop guessing and just LET IT HAPPEN. Relax. You can do it. I have never met anyone who physically DIED because their ex didn’t call last night out of the blue.

Men are often perceived as being insensitive. I can tell you with all that I am that this rumour is not only not true, but insulting to the very men who still know how to treat a woman like a lady.

To everyone reading this. Be you and be happy with who you are. Stop trying to change what CAN’T be changed. It would be like an athlete saying, “I love her so much, I am going to try to do WORSE at playing basketball.” How absurd! Just be you! You are unique. You are special. There is NO ONE exactly like you, but there are millions out there that WOULD LIKE YOU ALOT if you gave them the chance.

You can do it. I know you can. I know that you can do anything if you believe in yourself. Find that inner confidence. Find YOUR CINDERS for the taste of LIVING again. DO your best to let go of sadness and hurt. Snap in that backbone and know that jsut because they walked away DOESN’T mean you are worthless. NO WAY! You are a diamond. Though the finder didn’t see that in you, a trained eye would EVER THROUGH YOU AWAY!

You can do it…

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself….get off of myspace and facebook and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!

I promise..things will get better!

You have my word.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic Forum

I Remember You

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I noticed her from the day she walked thru the door in seventh grade. Her name was Amy. I remember how I felt and how my chest became heavy. My skin began to tingle as if it suddenly it became very cold yet my cheeks were warm to the touch. She grasped her book with both hands as she held them to her chest. It was as if time itself was moving in slow motion. It was if her feet didn’t touch the floor as she glided across the room to her desk. She sat approximately 4 rows over and 4 seats down.

I watched the way she played with her long, light brown hair. She would slowly get her fingers and pull her hair behind her ear on the right hand side. I would notice the curves of her cheek as she turned her head to say hello to a friend. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I can remember me actually being excited to get to first period so I could see her every day. Then with no preparation at all…she saw me for the first time. I can remember her looking at me at 12 years old as if it were yesterday.

I raised my hand slowly as if to say hello silently in a room full of sleepy students and a teacher that was rambling on about who knows what. She smiled and slowly waved back. I cannot explain the feeling as a young boy that a beautiful girl could have such an immense affect on me let alone how my heart was feeling. I was convinced something I have never experienced in my life was so right.

I day dreamed of Amy all the time and how I hoped I saw her in the hallway… if only to catch a glimpse. I didn’t know what love was. At this point in my life, I loved my family but it hadn’t felt like this. The days turned into months and she knew not only my name but would say hi to me in the hallway and stop by my locker before school to say hello. I began to watch her lips as she spoke and how they would curve upward ever so slightly when I looked into her soft, blue eyes. They would glisten as if the sun was reflecting off the ocean. She would often look away when I looked into her eyes, sometimes keeping her chin lowered as she would try to hide the smile on her face from me.

She would sometimes call me at night. I would be lying to say I remember any of our long conversations but I know that I looked so forward to those phone calls from her. “David, Amy is on the phone for you”…my father would say. “I got it dad” I would say as I screamed across the house so he would hang up the phone. Her voice was soothing and soft. I can remember her laugh. The wonderful thing about a memory is that I could see her smile and soft, wet lips as they laughed at me over the phone though I was not in front of her. I could imagine her cuddled up on her bed talking to no one else but me. We became as close as 12 year olds could be. I was falling in love with her…my first ever.

The school day started like any other. It was cold outside and I was just dropped off to school by my mother. She didn’t come visit me that day yet I saw her all day. The air was different. Something inside me just didn’t “feel” right. I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friend Ray and I noticed she was sitting with someone new that day. He had blonde hair and his name was Al.

From across the room, I could see how she was staring at him. I could see her smile the same way she used to smile at me. My heart fell to my knees and I suddenly had to leave the cafeteria to get some air. To be honest, I was beginning to tear up and I didn’t want anyone to see, especially her. I have never known what it was like to love until Amy but something else found me. My heart hurt. For the first time, a young boy of 12 knew what it was like to have a broken heart and it was hard to breathe but not like before. This was a different feeling. To think she was not going to call or come by my locker hurt more than anything. I hung my head for a few days and I would silently watch her walk thru the hallways. I saw them often together yet I could say nothing. I didn’t know how to express to anyone let alone admit my love for her to anyone in fear of ridicule and pure embarrassment.

Two weeks later she approached me in the hallway as asked if she could speak with me. I found it hard to look at her though my heart was still hurting, yet I was so happy to be with her…even for a moment. “I didn’t mean to hurt you” she said. “He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes” she went on to explain. “I understand” I blurted softly. I managed a soft smile and said I needed to go as the tears once again shown the glittery faces. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t hate her. I had those feelings of selfishness we have all had at one time or another and I wanted her for my very own. As I began to scuttle away from her she called me. “David, please don’t be upset”. I kept on walking. I couldn’t take it. I had my pride even at 12 to keep me from tearing up in front of any girl let alone one that had broken my young heart.

Time moved on.

We still spoke. It took some time for me to adjust to her relationship. She would even sometimes stop by my locker “just to say hi”. I still felt the love pains every now and then. I would often dream of her while alone in my room. I could still see that sweet smile she had as I drifted off to sleep. The school year ended months later as I was moving away and would not being attending the same school. We would sometimes talk on the phone but communication stopped as time moved on and friends and many grades later kept moving forward… whether I was ready for it or not.

When I was 30 years old, some friends of mine and I decided to go to a local pub downtown as we have not been out together in quite a while. It was a warm summer’s night and the band played on as we laughed and had a few drinks to relax. There was a large group of women at one table with one in particular wearing a white, bridal veil. They were loud but we could tell they were celebrating a friend’s soon-to-be marriage. A friend of mine walked over and they asked him for a gift for the bride and he bought her a drink. Several other women began to walk to our table and ask for gifts for the bride. I had no idea what to do and quite frankly I didn’t think it really mattered. I pretended to ignore the question yet smiling as I drank.

This is a night I will never forget. As I sat in my chair, a beautiful woman in a white wedding veil said “Will you at least sign my shirt?”…I looked up and my jaw dropped. It was my Amy.

God as my witness, she was standing right in front of me …just like when we were 12. The memories flooded my mind and heart at the same time. “Amy…oh my gawd, is that you?”…I managed to choke the words to my question. “Oh my Gawd..David!!?” she had tears streaming down her cheeks. We embraced tightly and didn’t let go for quite some time. I held her hand and told her congratulations on her upcoming marriage.

We shared a few stories about our lives and the night grew longer. We had to leave each other once again. I was able to share some time with someone I never forgot nor will ever forget. She said it was great to see me and vice versa. She began to walk away as she kept turning back at me and smiling the same smile she did over 18 years earlier.

“Amy!!…wait”….I yelled. She walked back to me and I said what I wanted to say so many years ago. “Amy, I loved you so much many years ago but was a coward to tell you because I thought you would laugh at me. I want you to know I never forgot you and I wanted to thank you for being my friend and being the first love of my life. I just wanted you to know that.” There were no tears because the fear of being a 12 year old boy was gone. I had become a man.

“David, if you only knew how much I loved you. You were so special to me. I went out with Al because you never said anything and I was tired of waiting. I always secretly loved you…and I never forgot you either. Thank you for being you. “ She lifted her veil and gave me a soft, lingering kiss on the lips. It was just as I had imagined while lying in my bed so many years ago. “Be happy Amy…love that man like there is tomorrow”..I said. Her last words to me will always make the flesh on my arms stand straight up and my heart skip a beat no matter how much time passes…she said.

“I will love him like I should have loved you David”…

She walked away with her friends. I watched her run across the street holding onto the veil. She disappeared into the darkness but never from my heart. I got my second chance to tell her. I got to tell my first love that I loved her so. Amy..this is for you. Where ever you are, whomever your with.

Be happy… because

I remember you…

Your loving friend,

SuperDave71 (David )

theLoveLogic Forum

Love Walks In

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You may be reading this is hopes of finding the answer to your relationship problem. You may be sitting in your home or flat all alone with the drapes drawn and the darkeness outside your window matching how you feel on the inside. I want to let you know…you are not alone no matter how far away you are. You are no exception to the rule. You are not cursed or your higher power is not trying to take something you love so much in order for you to learn a life lesson.

You are not ugly. You are not fat nor stupid. No matter how you feel inside, you are you and that makes you beautiful in so many ways I can’t begin to tell you. You may not feel as if you are worthy of love but I am the voice of reality. Listen to me and hold this close to your heart as you as you try to sleep. You are somebody. You have always been. You heart is breaking because you are sitting there in silence combing the Internet for answers to something that has none. I also know what it’s like to yearn. I know what it is like to cry in the shower in hopes that those around won’t hear you. I know what it’s like to jump when the phone rings. I know what it is like to wake up and wonder if they are thinking of me.

The love you had just walked out the door. It hasn’t called. It hasn’t texted nore tried to contact you. It hasn’t knocked on your door and said “I’m so sorry I hurt you, I love you and want you back”…

Where does love go? How can something so powerful that felt so good, so ‘right’ be gone? We wait and wait and wait yet nothing. Just because we can’t see love doesn’t mean that love isn’t there.

Let me give you an honest example:

When I was 16, I met a beautiful girl named Shannon. I met her on the bus once as I was going home from school. I was sitting there waiting on the bus to leave and the door flew open and there she was. I have never seen her before in my life yet she was real and sat right beside me. She introduced herself as well as I did. The ride lasted only 10 minutes but I can honestly say, in that ten minutes my life was changed. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about but I can remember the way I felt like it was yesterday.

To all the women out there, men can fall in an instant. I don’t care who you hear differently from, she had my heart in an instant. Her long, blonde hair and soft blue eyes. I was captivated. The corners of her lips curled as she smiled and I couldn’t believe she was talking to me.

She came to her stop, the doors opened and she was gone. I can remember turning my head to watch her walk away. I felt giddy. I felt as if God himself sent me a sign of hope. I thought of her all night and I hoped I might see her again.

Two weeks went by and nothing. I looked for her occassionally in the hallways but she was no where to be found. One afternoon before the final bell, she passed me in the hallway and she stopped and asked if I was going to ride the bus today. I didn’t plan on it but I told her yes quick as an instant. “Save me a seat ok?” she said. She didn’t even know my name.

Love makes you do silly things. I hated riding the bus but funny how I didn’t mind that day nor any day after that. She was always in my thoughts. We did this for almost 4 months. We grew fairly close and I learned she had a boyfriend that she wasn’t sure if she liked or not. One afternoon I said “if you ever need to talk”…I am only one street over and we might could go walking sometime. We exchanged phone numbers and that was that.

I didn’t see her much after that; not until the phone rang and my mother said it was shannon. “Hey David…um..I was wondering if you would want to go walking with me tonight.” “I will be right there..” As a teenager of 16, I wanted to look my best and I am sure as fast as I got ready that I looked more silly than I did anything else. I walked to her house. I knew it by heart because I watched her so many times. I would watch her to the point where the door would close and I we would drive away.

I knocked on the door and she came out and asked “Ya ready?”…I of course returned with an “Absolutely..” Not to sound cliche’ but one night of walks became several nights of walks. I began calling them “Our walks”. I remember wanting to hold her hand. My secret love for her was beginning to be harder and harder to hide. The moon would oftern shine brighter for Shannon. She was so beautiful bathed in the moonlight. She would smile for me sometimes. I can’t be sure but I my heart tells me she did.

I remember after a autumn, late rain, she called and we went walking though she rode on my back. I was able to feel her against me. She was holding me. Even for a moment, I was not a tennager, I was a man in love and she didn’t know it. It was if my heart was yelling “HEY, I LOVE YOU..” yet my eyes would have to look away from her’s sometimes so she couldn’t see how much I really cared. I didn’t want her to see thru me.

Our walks lasted over a year and I had to tell her. I had to let her know how I felt. She and her boyfriend were still together but when we were together, our walks, we were together…at least to me we were. What did I know? I was young and dumb and was choosing to follow my heart no matter what the cost. If you have nothing, and love something so much…what will it hurt if you can’t have them yet you let them know how much you love them?

It was a rainy October night. The street were shining due to the cold rain. You could see your breath as you exhaled and she was coming over for a quick dinner. My parents were out that evening as I planned to have her over and tell her the feeling my heart wrote for her and her only. I was so nervous. She arrived and we shared of all things chinese food by a mild candlelight. I can remember to this day how she glowed. She was with me. My heart wanted her with mine even at the age of 16 that she was all that mattered. I was so happy..for an instant. I was so overwhelmed with the power of love that I took her hands in the candlelight and said “I hope you don’t mind me saying so and I hope I am not out of place…but I wanted you to know my heart loves you. I think of you non-stop every day and I hope we can still see one another…our walks have meant more to me than anything and I want to thank you for being my friend.” She was speechless. I was speechless and I foudn myself not being able to look her in the eyes.

“I need to go”..she said. I told her I understood and she thanked me for dinner and drove silently away. As I stood there in the cold…a lite rain began to fall.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. I didn’t hear from her nor see her. I was devistated. How could something that felt so good be gone? My heart was broken. There was no reason why..there was no explaination…there was no hope for me.

Two months and 3 weeks go by. I was staying at home one friday night and I was watching a rented movie in the dark. My living room was empty as my brother was on a date and my parents were out with friends. At 10:30, there was a knock at my door. I turned on the lights and she was standing right in front of me. I didn’t know what to think. I threw open the door and she said “Hi…I wanted to come see you.” “Why?..why now?”..I asked. “I missed you”..she said. She had no idea that my heart was already shattered and it took all of me to not show the tears that were forming in the corners of my eyes. “I missed you to…you have no idea how much.” After all of that she asked “David….will you go on a walk with me?”. “I would be honored…” As I closed the door, she grabbed my hand and held it tightly. At 16 I became a man because the love that once walked out of my life, walked right back in.

I can’t tell you what we talked about that night…but that night was made for us. Under God and all the stars in the heaven’s that night was mine and nothing can take that away from me. Her hand in mine energized a young man to thank God everyday for the things I have not only learned, but to understand that just because things seem hopeless…love walks in.

I hope you find what you are looking for and never give up on love…let alone yourself.

“Of these three, faith, hope and love…but the greatest of these is love”

1st Corinthinans 13

“Love Walks In”

Lyrics by Van Halen

Contact is all that it takes
To change your life, to lose your place in time
Contact. Asleep or awake
Coming around you may wake up to find

(Ooo-ooo-ooo)
Questions deep within your eyes
(Ooo-ooo-ooo)
Now more than ever, you realize
(Ooo-ooo)

And then you sense a change
Nothin’ feels the same
All your dreams are strange
Love comes walkin’ in
Some kind of alien
Waits for the opening
Simply pulls a string

Another world, some other time
You lay your sanity on the line
Familiar faces, familiar sights
Reach back, remember with all your might

(Ooo-ooo-ooo)
Ooh, and there she stands in a silken gown
(Ooo-ooo-ooo)
Silver lights shinin’ down
(Ooo-ooo)

And then you sense a change
Nothin’ feels the same
All your dreams are strange
Love comes walkin’ in
Some kind of alien
Waits for the opening
Simply pulls a string
Love comes walkin’ in

(Guitar Solo)

Oh, sleep and dream; that’s all I crave
I travel far across the milky way
To my master I become a slave
‘Til we meet again some other day

(Ooo-ooo-ooo)
Where silence speaks as loud as war
(Ooo-ooo-ooo)
Earth returns to what it was before
(Ooo-ooo)

And then you sense a change
Nothin’ feels the same
All your dreams are strange
Love comes walkin’ in
Some kind of alien
Waits for the opening
Simply pulls a string
Love comes walkin’ in

(Guitar Solo)

Love comes walkin’ in
Baby, pull the string
Love comes walkin’ in
Love comes walkin’ in, yeah!
Huh-uh! Ye-ah, oh-oh oh

Take care of you.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic Forums

No One Saves Us but Ourselves

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**Author’s Disclaimer**

I am neither a therapist nor a professional counselor. The following advice is given in a take it or leave it format. The author (me) does not intend for the user (you) to agree 100% with the following but to merely listen with the intent to learn from the author’s mistakes. My post will not give false hope to the user but will give the user a possible different way of dealing with their current situation.

Thank you….and I wish you the best no matter what your situation.

Let’s begin…

To those who are hurting, confused and looking for answers to what happened to your relationship, I hope you find what you are looking for. I can give you advice based on how you WON’T find it but it is up to you to find the truth. Your journey should start inward. Take a long, deep look inside yourself. No one in the world, no matter how much time, no matter how much you have shared, no matter how you loved them knows you better than you. The truth is inside you.

Breakups hurt. It is as if the very wind is knocked out of you. You find it hard to concentrate or even sleep. You try to turn off the voices in your head, the memories of what once was. The “could of..should of..would of” seem to haunt you as you look outside the truth hope to do anything you can NOT to look at yourself. Sometimes, other tend to blame themselves for something that wasn’t even their fault yet your conscience gets the best of you because you feel defeated, you might as well BE defeated.

No matter how much you love something, no matter how long, no matter what you have gone thru together, no matter if they were your first love or the tenth, NOTHING IN THE WORLD SAYS THEY HAVE TO CONTINUE TO LOVE YOU OR CAN’T LOVE SOMEONE ELSE. Get this through your head. Some of the “loves of my lifetime” have since gotten married and have children with someone else despite our promises in the midst of our courtship. Does it hurt to know they have moved on? No. Not in the least. The true meaning of love is to never stop loving despite if it isn’t returned the way you had hoped. This is compared to large pill that is taken without water, it’s very hard to swallow.

I have heard all the excuses, I have read all the private messages, I have read the pleas and the cries for help and I am here to tell you something that MAY rub you the wrong way. I do NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS. You do. I can create threads based on my experiences and YOU can determine if the advice is good or bad. It’s the same with deductive reasoning. You have the right to choose. The same as you have the right to be upset, live in the past, feel depressed and every other negative feeling you may have.

We have all been hurt. We have all felt heartache and felt so defeated that we would rather hide inside than to face tomorrow. My question is, what does it solve? What does a self-defeating attitude towards yourself solve?

Taking an aspirin is good for the heart and minor aches and pains but if too many are consumed…it is harmful. You must know you limits.

If someone decides to end a relationships with you, some of the most common responses to the break are to immediately try harder. Why now? Why try so hard AFTER the fact that you were thinking about leaving in the first place? Are they not the same person you HAD ONCE BEFORE? Why is it when faced with the reality of those that don’t even love themselves we expect them to love us? We can make excuses for them. We can even wait around and “hope for the best” or even pray they change their mind. My advice on this forum is simple. Go with what you know; never what you hope or dream about.

To wait means to stop. Ask yourself this…what are you stopping and are they stopping for you? If you are reading this post, I am almost certain you know for a fact that they are. Wer all want what we can’t have but is it WHAT WE REALLY WANT? or is it good enough right now? No one wants to be lonely. No one wants to feel as if they are not attractive enough, or loving enough or even good enough. You have always been you. Long before you ever met your ex, you were you. From the day you were born, you were you. We choose the way we become. Our very thoughts can alter the way we think, we feel and the way we live.

For example, if a simple doctor visit was able to find a small tumor and the doctor said it needed to be removed, would you NOT have it removed and hope for the best? Would you not want the object of your negativity removed? The more you dwell on the negative the more negative you will create for yourself. Negativity grows like cancer. It is never healty and there is nothing positive that can come from it.

What you know and what you assume or “think” are not what truly is. Intuition is one thing but to sit around and wonder “why” they are acting this way..and assume the millions of things that you do, simply turn that around and ask yourself…”Why am I acting this way?” Find the root of your negative feelings and you will kill that which plagues your mind, body and spirit.

You ex cannot make you feel the way you do. They are not “making you feel this way.” You are. You are creating your own reality by your thoughts. If you choose to be jealous, hurt, depressed, defeated or even suicidal, this is because you choose NOT to look at what truly ‘IS’.

Your life is not over. Despite the way you feel inside, you life is yours and no one has the power to take that away from a broken heart. Those, such as Romeo and Juliet, though ficticious, chose their fate. If you learn that your life is not on a myspace page and to understand that there are things out there bigger than you and me, a calm may be found within.

Sometimes things just happen. No one is TRYING to UNLOVE YOU. The fact is, like the wind, love can change direction. It can be a gust or it can be a light breeze. So many of us, myself included, was guilty of holding on to the negative. The harsh reality of it all says we can love anyone we want for as long as we want but the cold facts says the same about your partner as well. Love has no rules. Love has no logic. If you ask someone who has been in love before HOW they fell in love…I am almost certain they will say something along the lines of “it just happened”.

We tend to find what we are looking for when we are not looking. If you were loving to you ex and you tried to make it work with your best effort, then have a clear conscience knowing you did your part. Don’t take the burden of something that isn’t yours. Why carry unnecessary weight? Would you do someone else’s work yet be paid the same? I think not. Despite your cir***stances, no matter what happened, no matter if you want to try and fool yourself into thinking “but my story is different”…look around you. There are thousands of threads and posts that says yours is indeed unique but not different. There is a huge difference.

You cannot make anyone love you. There is no action, song, poem, sonnet or anything you can muster that can prove your love for someone after the fact. The cold truth says it will only prove you to be a bigger fool that you were before the break. Your calling, texting, begging and crying will most inevitably fall on deaf or on unconvinced ears. When we do things “after the fact” we are merely acting in hopes of getting a positive reaction from a negative situation. If I said I loved you, then beat you with a large stick yet AFTER the lashing I said I loved you even more…what would you believe and why?

“Actions speak louder than words..”

The way to love someone back to you is to LOVE YOURSELF MORE. Trying to convince your ex that you love them after the fact is demonstrating to your ex that they could have loved them all along YET CHOSE NOT TO. It only makes you look weak, desperate and most importantly they will not love you more but will only feel sorry for you.

Would you rather ACT crazy or be crazy? Anyone can back me up on this one. If you try to convince your ex into loving you, they will run. You ahev just proved to them that you are not the person they fell in love with. You are a groveling, sad, deperate person with no self worth. You are demonstrating to them that you would rather give up on YOU in order to be loved by them. Do you love desperate people? Do you know how unattractive that makes you look in their eyes? Crying and drunken phone calls solve nothing. The cold truth is, when you call and you recieve no answer..you mind will start to wander and then it will start to panick.

Panick can be one of the biggest love kills in the natural world. You start to ask yourself “where are they” …”are they thinking of me”…”are they ok?”…”are they seeing someone else? A snowball rolled down a steep hill will only get bigger and bigger and heavier and faster. Your thoughts are the same. The good news is if you are aware of your thoughs and WHY you are thinking what you are you can stop it BEFORE you put your desperation into action.

Most of the time, I have felt WORSE years ago when I tried to contact my ex and she didn’t answer. My mind was a whirlwind and I was carried away by my own desperation to hear her voice. I had many a restless night knowing I could not control her or her thoughts. I could only control mine. It is a horrific feeling to know that you can’t make someone love you desite your greatest effort. If two do not share mutual love why try harder to make them love you? If you do not like a certian meal would you eat it more often because you hope you will start to enjoy it? I think not.

No matter what your ex is doing without you, the fact is it is their business. You may not like it but you can choose to hold onto something that isn’t there, move on to healing yourself or start no contact in order to find yourself. I chose no conact and I found me. To be lost with someone you love is not loving yourself. Let go of the negative feelings of defeat and worthless. They will only grow and take root inside you. Don’t make excuses for someone elses beahvior; take ownership of your own.

Your reality is your own. Make it what you want not what you hope it will be.

Take care,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic Fourms

Missing You

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They used to call you ten times a day but now…nothing.

The emptiness you feel inside is taking over who you used to be. What happened to the late night talks on the phone when you couldn’t be together. All the trips, the meeting their family for the first time, the glances and smiles from across the room. What ever happened to the “spooning” in the bedroom as you fell asleep together?

Ever feel like you brain just won’t turn off? The thoughts of “what happened” or “when are they coming back” seem to haunt you even as you sleep. You just can’t seem to get them off them off your mind. Where is the “good” in good-bye?

The lonliness you feel is only temporary. The memories you both had together still linger but you can’t stay in the past. Time pushes us forward regardless if we are ready. If we choose to linger in the past, time may move forward but our lives stay still and stagnant. On a personal note, I can remember how much I didn’t want to leave the house because “what if”…you can fill in the blank anyway you want. If my phone rang, I wanted her to know I was there. In my NOT thinking process, I wanted her to know I was there when she wanted to come back. Isn’t that what love is all about? No…not by a long shot. Loving someone is learning to let go if you need to and move forward with loving yourself. No one can love you like you can. If you don’t love yourself, who can you love?

I have often thought about what she was doing years ago, but I was wasting valuable time on me by doing so. It wasn’t about her anymore. It was about me. You take one away from two, you have one. Since I am the one in control of EVERYTHING I DO, logical reasoning says “take care of you”. No one is saying you can’t love someone from a distance. Love never fades. The levels of love are many but the ciders under a once roaring fire still burn underneath the ash. Just because you visually cannot see the fire doesn’t mean you can’t rise the cinders from the ashes to make it roar once again.

I have often been asked, how did you do it? How did you get past the pain of your breakup many years ago? I say with an honest heart, I didn’t get over it, I went through it. I learned that I was in control of me and no one else despite my feelings for her. I also realized that you can’t help anyone if they refuse it. You cannot live someone elses life. I believe that I was put on this earth to love my fellow man and my family, to help those who need it, and to give thanks for all the blessings in my life. Show the one’s you love that you love them.

Never live with regret …

Sadly, our lives do not come with a manual or guide of any kind. We can’t fast-forward, hit pause, or rewind. IN the blink of an eye, I tunred 37. Life is what you make it. The sun doesn’t stop shining because your heart is broken or even yearning for something it once had. If you love someone, never take advantage of that gift. The old expression “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” is never more true until love walks away.

I have often thought of love like a pier on the ocean. You have many vessels that come and go. You watch them sail away to the point that you can see them but it doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. Their sails are full of the westward winds and off to a new destination. You never know if that very ship will someday be sailing back to tie up and never leave.

Love never fails. Love is always there no matter how feel. Love cannot be turned off like a light switch. It only celebrates in the good in those that honestly know how to recieve it and give it away for free.

**Remember**

Love can be ignited with only a spark or small burning cider..all you must learn to do is not smother it.

Though your heart may be missing the one you love, know that it’s not always over. Use your time wisely and figure what went wrong and how you can prevent it. Take your time and I hope that somewhere in the distance, your ship sails back to you. Show them that you are worth dropping anchor.

Take care,

SuperDave71

Don’t Take Your Love Away

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As the night lingers on, you hang off the side of the bed with your heading hanging heavy in your hands. The clock on the side of the bed shines a bright 3:30 AM. You can’t seem to sleep because the loneliness keeps waking you from your already troubled mind. The questions of why, how and when start to swirl around your head as silent tears fall as you try to convince yourself this isn’t happening.

The dreams of yesterday are now a lingering memory of love that once was. The very thought of your ex stings like salt thrown on an open wound. The old expression says “There is no rest for the weary” and you are sadly realizing that whoever created such a quote must have had a night similar to your own.

You can hear the thunder as it billows outside and the rain falls like teardrops. The moonlight bathes you through the blinds as you think out loud, “Are they thinking of me”.

Have you ever had a sleepness night because your heart was broken? Have you ever wondered what happened even though you already know the reason why? We choose sometimes to be in denial rather than face the hidious truth behind our possible own failure; but did we fail?

Choosing to accept responsibilty for something you didn’t do is foolish. Choosing to accept fault for something you did do is called being responsible. We have all been there. We can all relate to the pain though it may be described differently, the source is the same. I have oftened wondered why our hearts hurt when our brains are responsible for our feelings and emotions. Why do we call it a broken heart? Is it because it hurts when love leaves us or is it merely a cliche’?

Why is it that in a matter of an hour, a day or even a week, we can fall in love with someone yet it could take a lifetime to forget them? We can ponder the mysteries of the heart all we want but we are merely going in circles. We are trying to make sense of something that has no logic. Love has no logic. We can’t convince ourselves why we fell in love or even how, but we do know how we feel about ourselves when we are with the one we chose and they chose to love us right back.

Someone once said the greatest things in life are free. I tend to agree with this. What I have learned is that just because we fall for someone, doesn’t mean they are going to “catch” us. We must first learn to catch ourselves. If you choose, think of your life as a car that is driving at night with it’s headlights on. You may feel more safe as you move forward to your destination but the beams only reach so far. You are seeing only what is in the path of the headlights and nothing more. What about what you can’t see? In the early development of children, they believe that if you can’t see something, it’s not there. We know this not to be true in our logic but do we know that in our hearts?

I have tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt because I wanted them to love me so much. I wanted to feel their love. I never recieved it. Plain and simple, they didn’t want to love me the way I wanted to be loved. Just because I hoped they would, doesn’t mean that they were capable or willing to do so. I have learned we ltend ove those that we choose based on two simple things.

1.) The way we feel when we are with them.
2.) The way we feel when we are without them.

Think about it, you can remember the way you felt when you knew you were going to see them after work or later that evening. You took pride in the way you looked, the way you presented yourself. You smiled, you may have even sang as you got ready. On the way to meet them, you may have even longed for them. The closer you were to them, the more excited you became. I can honestly say, many of my ex’s have been in slow motion as I watched them smile at me from across the room as they walked to sit next to me. No one matter but us. There was no one else in the room. She was all that mattered. Isn’t it amazing how a simple smile from the one you love can turn your day around.

Love makes you do things you would never think of on your own. You no longer are thinking of yourself. You have someone that wants to be with you and your heart soars because of it. Ever danced in the rain? Have you ever on the way to see your lover, stop and pick up a random gift? Why? What made you stop the car and say “I think they would like this”? Plain and simple, love did. Love conquers all. Sadly, there are those that believe love doesn;t exsist because they tend to lose it or it leaves them more often than none. I am here to tell you, love never leave. Your perception of love does, but love will never leave you.

Memories of yesterday can hurt at first if you let it but look at it this way, a memory is a recollection of a past event interpreted by the individual. You can choose to look at it negatively or positively. It’s your choice. We have all, at one time or another, treated someone badly or they did something to hurt us and we chose to hold onto the hurt rather than learn from it. Time passes and suddenly things are the way they once were and you forgot why you were upset in the first place. The reason is because you chose to let it go. You decided it was not worth it. What is more important, being right or being IN THE RIGHT. There is huge difference. Those who chose to be right are not seeking a loving response in arguing their point. We can be right and loving, but not at the expense of losing those that mean the most to us.

Learn, as I did, that there are those that love. There are those that want to be loved and there are those that were once loved. Which are you? I chose to look at my life as a loving experience. Though the lessons have been tough, I am a better person because of my experience. If the lessons were easy, would I be the person I am today? I tend to believe I wouldn’t. We all have our own demons. We all have our own vices. We have all felt defeat, loss and pain in our lives. We all share that common bond of “been there, done that” but ask yourself, what did you learn from it and what will you teach others that matters most.

The world doesn’t owe you anything, you take what you want. You work hard to earn your keep, respect and love as well. There are no excuses that can be made for not getting what you need. Remember that sometimes, unanswered prayers can be the best you ever recieved.

Did someone take your love away? Do they still hold your heart? I can say with all that I am that love never ends. I am 100% sure that you have an endless supply of love inside you. No matter how much you may have given away, you will always replenish it with more. Someone will come along and you will not only start over loving again, they will give their love to you. Is there a thing as too much love? Not in my book, not by a long shot.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic forums

Personal Thoughts on No Contact

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You slowly put your cell phone back in your pocket but you cannot find the words, any words at all, that would express the feelings you feel inside at this very moment. You chest feels empty. It begins to feel as if something is missing and that “thing” becomes clearer and clearer the more you think about it. The love you once had just walk right out of your life.

What do I do? This isn’t happening! She just said that she loves me yesterday. Maybe she is just mad because I haven’t been spending much time with her lately. She will call tomorrow. I am sure she is just tired and frustrated. Tomorrow comes and your phone never rings.

Has this ever happened to you? Regardless of how your separation took place, the feelings we share could be very similar based on how we feel about ourselves. In the beginning, like any shock, we try to reason with ourselves as to what just happened. Usually after this initial stage, we try to create viable scenarios that would make the situation go away or “fix” itself.

For Example:

The breakup has just occurred and you are already thinking of ways to “win the back”. Time has not passed and the very problems that ripped you apart, despite your words of love, have still not been solved. Despite the reasoning that is obvious in this example, we still plot and scheme ways to get our lover back.

Why is it that people that, let’s assume, neglect their lover or take their love for granted are the one’s that end up more hurt than those that haven’t? The reasoning is that they assumed they would never leave and always be there but when they did leave, they panicked. They let their “they love me too much to leave” attitude block their reality of knowing that if you neglect something one of two things will happen.

1.) It will separate from the one neglecting
2.) It will find someone else that is NOT neglecting.

Notice that in BOTH examples, the choice has been made to leave the very person that was taken them for granted.

Think about it. Why is it that people run to someone else after a breakup? Please don’t get me wrong, this is not always the case by any means but to those that this situation applies, why is it that they can “move on so quickly”. I am sure so many have asked this question over and over again. There isn’t one answer that fits this question, but I will try to help you understand the reasoning. We all look for the very things that make us not only happy but fulfill our needs both physically and mentally.

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed with looks or even personality that we let our very standards go by the wayside. Here is simple way to look at it. If you were an Olympic pole vault athlete and you set the height as high as you could vault, why would you lower the distance? Think of the height as your “high standards” in a partner. You may even think of this as high expectations. When you meet someone new that you are interested in, you are using those very standards that you must have in order to have an attraction.

There are many things that you must consider as well. Were you looking for love? How long? These are important because they are part of the attraction phase. If you have been looking for a while and BAM….there they are, you will be MORE attracted to them because you have been searching. Now, what if you weren’t looking? Chances are you will still be attracted BUT probability says not as much as you would be if you were looking. To validate this, would you be happier if you found something you lost months ago or would you be happier to find something you were recently looking for?

Now, imagine the process of dating as either keeping your bar where it is and seeing if you match or inevitably lowering your bar (standards) thus lowering your very standards that were in place before you met your new interest. Why do so many lower the bar? My take on this is simple. A majority of people have looked for love and never found it. It was when they didn’t look they found it but … the paradox is that once it found them, they WANTED to be loved and when their very standards were not met they lowered the bar to compensate. In layman’s terms, they were trying to fit a square where a circle should be.

How could they jump into a relationship so fast right after a breakup? Again, I have my theories on this but my conclusion is simple:

1.) They were already thinking about them BEFORE the breakup occurred.
2.) The new interest picked up the very pieces that fell apart in their last relationship.

Does this mean its love? Not by a long shot. Let’s dig a little deeper shall we? If you take the same scene where a neglectful person is rejected, probability says they will typically RUN towards what has already left them in order to satisfy their own need to feel loved; not rejected. This theory is called “a distancer and a pursuer. This is also the very thing that makes “No Contact” work the way it works.

In a distancer and pursuer relationship, after the honeymoon stage you start to feel settled or things take on a “routine”. The need to impress the one you adore because less important. I am not saying isn’t important; I am merely saying that the need to impress subsides because you are already a couple. When one party becomes unhappy or disappointed in their life or even disappointed, people tend to need space. They choose to alienate themselves in order to look for answers personally or to possibly limit the amount of distractions in their busy day-to-day lives.

Some can take this as “uninterested behavior”. If someone wants “space”, you can almost guarantee something is wrong or there is a big decision that needs to be made. The fact we can take it so personal is another topic all together. When one party distances, the other starts to pursue sometimes without even knowing why. The threat of abandonment or rejection can cause most anyone to be on their best behavior and assume that by being overly sweet or giving that this will “bring them back”. Nothing in the world can compare to the desperation that failed love can bring. Think about it, how may times have you done crazy things that you probably would never do, because of the fear of rejection or being alone? In all reality, even if you were thinking of leaving them FIRST, we can STILL be the one’s running around begging them to stay. The root is self worth.

If you don’t value yourself, how can you value others? So many out there silently walk the streets, the malls, their jobs or wherever they may roam not loving or valuing their own opinions. When a new mate steps in, they place their self worth onto the new interest by their actions.

For example:

If they call twice a day, they must like me. If they call 10 times a day, they must love me.

Affection can also be misleading. Holding hands, kissing, hugging and sex are all a part of love but is it love itself, not at all, only symptoms. Love is what holds you together. Think of love as glue. If you don’t have love in your relationship, it will inevitably fall apart; it is only a matter of time. Now, if you take the same love and put it on yourself, and you don’t love yourself, how are YOU going to be held together? That’s the rub.

Getting back to the original thought, No Contact is used so that one can get THEMSELVES back together. There are so many that assume there is a trick or some magical idea that just because distance is created, that they will come running back. I hate to break it to you but this is not true but only based on an assumption. I mean let’s think about something. If someone asks for space yet you continuously contact them, the probability of them giving you a negative response is going to be higher than if you left them alone. Love bonds can be triggered by one or all three things,

1.) Timing
2.) Attraction
3.) Setting

Does this guarantee love? Not at all but could be very key to feeling the butterflies that flutter in your stomach when you are away from them yet you think about their smile, a moment you shared or a special place you visited.

No contact is for you to distance yourself from a person and situation in order to think about what it is YOU want. There is one of you. No one else can feel what you feel, think what you think or reason like you reason. People can always have similar thoughts or feelings but not just like yours. You are unique and that makes you not only an individual but very special indeed. You are a snowflake in a snowstorm, there is not another just like you.

The majority of mistakes, when it comes to no contact, come from the overwhelming feelings that build and build that say “If you don’t contact them, you will lose them or they will stop loving you”. I have been there, done that and I am here to be in your face to say there is NOTHING further from the truth. You are allowing your need to contact your ex to validate your own WANT to see or hear from them. You are assuming that by contacting them that they will want what you want. You are assuming that they are home thinking of you waiting patiently by the phone. Your mind can be your worst enemy when the daydreams of yesterday, the happy times, come to haunt because there is nothing you wouldn’t do to have one more chance to make it right. You keep telling yourself, I had just one more day. If I get to talk to my ex, I will make them understand.

Reality has a way of slapping you in the face sometimes because the beautiful pictures in our minds and that we feel in our hearts do not match the action that brings them into play.

For Example:

I will just call them to check on them. I want to make sure they are ok.

The Root: I can’t stand not talking to them because the fear inside me tells me they will get over me and find someone to take my place.

No contact can be brutal at first. Most relationships start to develop a routine. Now this is not always the case but sometimes the routine becomes so commonplace that when something comes along to break it, it’s difficult to adapt. Think of it as an airplane doing a tailspin, it just doesn’t feel natural and you don’t want ANY part of it. Breaking the routine is tough enough. Add not seeing nor communicating with someone you really love and add the new routine in the mix. I bet you thought I was done. To add to the recipe, try throwing in a mix of “what if’s” and “I wonder what they” and you have utter chaos not only in your head but your heart.

Some perceive No Contact as cruel. I disagree. My reasoning is if they broke it off with you, they have no right to you any longer. If you have ever been fired from a job, you don’t reap the benefit after you are let go. Silly example but it works. They forfeited their privileges at the door the moment they said goodbye. I say keep them guessing if you are that important to them.

To make a point crystal clear, for the record and for clarity’s sake, there is no water, time, distance or lack of oxygen that can ever put out the flame of true love.
Use your time wisely. No contact is used to allow your head and heart to switch places. Remember, you love with your heart but reason with your head. Don’t get them confused. To learn the principles of human emotion and how people react to not only one another but to situations requires effort and observation. If you have trouble understanding or you are left so broken and confused, go with what you know and not what you assume.

To conclude, the golden rule says “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” What does this mean exactly? If you ever have a question on your motives with your ex think of the golden rule. In my opinion, I would rather do nothing than do something that could be the very thing that could ruin your chances of reconciliation. You can do it. I have faith in you all.
Relax…breathe in. Now let it out. There is nothing in the world that is more important than you. I am always in your corner.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

www.theLoveLogic.com/forums

How EXACTLY is No Contact Supposed to Work for Me

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I am neither a therapist nor a professional counselor. The following advice is given in a take it or leave it format. The author (me) does not intend for the user (you) to agree 100% with the following but to merely listen with the intent to learn from the author’s mistakes. My post will not give false hope to the user but will give the user a possible different way of dealing with their current situation.

Thank you….and I wish you the best no matter what your situation.

Let’s begin…

I want to to take a deep breath and relax for just a moment. Let’s be perfectly clear on something. This thread WILL NOT GUARANTEE SUCCESS on getting your ex back but it will help you to understand why you hear so much on “No Contact” and how it works.

- What Exactly is No Contact -

Plain and simple, it is giving your partner all the time the need WITHOUT any contact from you.

The following is considered contact:

-Phone Calls
-Text Messages
-Emails
-Notes or messages thru mutual friends or family
-Purposely showing up where you know they might be ( Home, Job, Local Hang out, etc)

No contact is for you to take the time and focus on yourself. So many have the opposite reaction that the most commmon mistakes occur in getting back together. Ask around the forum, ask anyone who knew exactly what No Contact was and STILL pushed and pushed…how successful were they?

The moment you hear, I think we should breakup or “I need some time alone”…

DON’T PANIC! DON’T BEG! DON’T PLEAD! DON’T CRY

Save that for later. The hardest but most logical thing to do believe it or not is agree with them EVEN IF YOU DON’T AGREE.

( Ok…read that one again )

I know what your thinking..WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO AGREE WITH THEM IF THEY ARE LEAVING ME?

Listen carefully. If someone is thinking of breaking up with you and you are getting the common red flags that so many throw up and wave, learn that you cannot control other people’s feeling, their decisions nor do ANYTHING to change their mind. If something is done to attempt to win them back ( ie: Gift Giving or Promises) and you run back in their arms, you solve nothing. You may have them back in your life, but the unresolved issues will start to build like a pressure cooker.

So many people pretend nothing is wrong just to be “loved”. How can this be? If you don’t love and respect yourself, how on earth can anyone love and respect you? Sadly, they can’t. You have to give respect to get respect. By respecting your values, your morals, your God given ability to distinguish between what is right and wrong…you will bring to you what you give. We become the company we keep.

To pretend nothing is wrong gains nothing; at least not for long. You may have eased your mind and the heartache is subsiding but get ready….there is more to come. I cannnot emphasize this enough.

Be cautious…

- It’s Time to Start No Contact -

“But Dave… I can’t do this…I don’t want to NOT see or talk to them.”

My reaction is simple, be prepared to lose them 100%. I compare this to asking for something you really wanted for your birthday. You have dropped hints for weeks on EXACTLY it is you wanted and you may have went a little overboard and put post-it notes on all the mirrors with EXACTLY what you want for your birthday on each one. When it came time to open your gifts, you did NOT GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU ASKED FOR! You asked over and over….yet you didn’t get it nor was there ANY explanation given WHY? How disappointed would you be?

But starting No Contact, you are taking YOU out of the equation, NOT THEM! The difference is, you are in control of you…not them. This is where MOST people get confused. So many think with their hearts and forget THAT THEY MATTER FIRST. I have been there. I have done that. I know what goes through your heart and head. The emotions can be overwhelming to say the least but if you let your head think without panicing, your chances of sucess just went up 50% from 0.

To give them the proper space is a loving act. You are giving them exactly what it is they want.

* NOTE *

Anyone who want to “Friend Zone” you right after a breakup is a fool. You cannot go backward. I have never heard of an New-Virgin before. It can’t and will never happen. Time cures all wounds and anyone that will take a backseat to those that ONCE LOVED THEM need to look up the word “confidence”. DO NOT SETTLE FOR FOR LESS THAT YOU DESERVE.

* END NOTE *

- Won’t They Forget About Me -

100% garbage. Absolutely the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Get this mess out of your head. This is just your fear trying to reason with what you are doing because it’s not natural. Why try to avoid someone you love? It doesn’t make sense … yet.

The fact is you need to take a few steps back to be able to look at the whole picture. Look at past events. Please keep in mind the phrase “When we first met..” DOES NOT APPLY. The reasoning is tha when most couple meet 98% of them are ‘happy’. It’s called the honeymoon stage. This is the stage where everything with your parter is ‘perfect’. You smile all the time, you call one another and talk for hours on end, you dance in the rain….you get the picture.

Take a look back a few weeks or a month or two depending on how long you dated. Were there signs that you can see? Were there too many “guys or girls nights out”…Does your ex hide their cellphone? Do they get text messages that they never show you because “it’s nobody”.

Think about it…

- How Can No Contact Work –

No contact works on the principal of 2 things:

1. You realizing without outside interference that you matter first.

2. If you ex takes time away and realizes that they miss you and do not want to be without because they are the person they are because of you…and the way you make them feel.

There is no other principal. We must all realize that we matter. We are the masters of our own world and the decisions we make are ON US. Just because someone’s decisions do not match ours, does not mean we are lost. We must learn that we have the right to love anyone we want but IT DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN HAVE THEM AS OUR OWN.

I have loved many. I have learned to love me FIRST and I am a happier person because of it. What feels better? When you work hard and get what you want or if it is given to you?

I say when you EARN IT. Why? Because you know with all the hard work and effort you put in, you EARNED IT. People must realize that to earn something themselevs means to APPRRCIATE IT. To be appreciated is a TREMENDOUS GIFT and it is not to be taken for granted. Those that do take it for granted, lose it forever or do not realize what they had until it’s gone.

A relationship, as we all know, takes two people. You may percieve things as amazing or perfect, but if the other peorson involved doesn’t….you are going to have problems.

You must remember that a loving relationship has a one in four chance of surviving anyway.

1. I like you and you don’t like me = Failure
2. You like me and I don’t like you = Failure
3. We don’t like one another = Failure
4. We both like one another = Could possibly work

You MUST remember that the feelings you have, may NOT be the same as
the person you are dating. Be aware.

Just because you feel euphoric doesn’t mean the other person does.

To those who are hurting; for those who are holding on so tightly because the thought of letting go of your partner is too much to handle and that would mean that you do not love them anymore…the more you will not move forward. Forward does not mean “getting over them”. Letting go means letting go of the feelings that are keeping you from thinking more clearly and letting go of silly ideas of “If I do this…this will happen.” I have made every mistake in the book. My heart had the best intensions. I wanted to love them back to me with “DOING” something rather than helping myself.

Realize that nothing you can say, buy, convince or do will bring your partner back. A sudden proclamation of love after a breakup will be seen as a pitiful reaching out. An undying promise to “do better” or “make it up to you” is just that …words. I speak from experience. I have been there. I have been in the trenches of breakups and they are not easy to navigate with all the emotions running around inside heart. Letting go means becoming NOT ONLY the person you were BEFORE your ex partner, but becoming a better you.

We learn from our experiences in life and love. We know that acting a certain way will get us a positive reaction and others will get us a negative reaction. Learning to take responsibility for your own actions allows you to take a step back from all the confusion and panic. Panic leads to more panic as with any negative emotion will only lead to more of the same. When a negative thought enters your head, ask yourself the following:
Is this thought what I assume?
Is this thought what I know ( the truth )
You cannot make assumptions about what you ex is thinking or feeling. Asking yourself over and over as well as friends, family or co-workers “do you think they think about me” is not helping you and can be very distracting. You might as well contemplate the meaning of life rather than asking yourself a hypothetical question.

By nature, as human beings, we are inquisitive. We want to know the answers to our questions and we want them now. After a break, the same questions arise from your heart as they did mine.

Here is a small list:

1. Are they thinking of me?
2. Do they still love me?
3. Have they moved on?
4. Is there someone else?
5. What can I do to make them understand?
6. If I get them back, I will
7. Why haven’t they called or contacted me?
8. Should I talk to their parents?
9. We were so perfect for one another, why is this happening?
10. Will they ever come back?

I cannot tell you how many times during my personal breakup that I kept these VERY questions rolling around in my head. Think of a million ping pong balls rattling around in my head and each ball represents a question or thought of my ex. It was overwhelming UNTIL I REALIZED right now, it is NOT ABOUT MY EX. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW.

The statement above is not a selfish one. It is the very thing I needed when I couldn’t answer the ten questions above. I was wasting time trying to answer questions that I had no idea what the answers were. I refer to this as the treadmill. You mind races and races yet you get no where. You end up exhausted and more frustrated than before. The mind can play tricks on you. One moment you have common sense and the reasoning skills you developed in your many years of experience calms you. You can sit back and take a breath. Out of know where, the questions pop into your head and panic starts to take over and your breathing increases and the “what if’s” are now overtaking your head AND your heart.

The first step is knowing the difference in factual thoughts or assumptions based on your negative thinking. At first this can be very difficult, yet you need to take the time to explore why you are having these thoughts. You must first realize that negative thinking and assumptions will get you NO WHERE. Let these ideas go. Push them out of your head and tell yourself that you are not going to let these take root inside of you. You can do it. All you have to do is have confidence. Reach down deep and find that seed inside you. With this, you can grow as much as you want if you allow that seed (you) to take root in positive ground. THIS is your first step is healing.

- Setbacks -

You are sitting at home and thinking about your day to day life and the phone rings. It’s your ex partner. Do you answer? Do you let voicemail get it? What do you do?

The way I see it, if you are not mentally ready to hear from your ex, don’t answer. How do you know if you are mentally ready? If you pick up the phone, months have gone by, the conversation is going wonderfully and then they mention their new boyfriend/girlfriend, it is going to rehash old wounds or has your heart moved past that? DO NOT set yourself up for being hurt.

Your ex partner may have the best intensions if getting back in touch with you. How will you know if you don’t pick up the phone? The sad truth is, you won’t. Sometimes we get a crack in the door that was previously shut but we do not know if it will be slammed again. This is something YOU will have to evaluate. This is the time where you take the step to the phone or walk away. Regardless, it can be difficult either way. You will have to decide based on how you feel and how you have grown in mind, body and spirit.

To look at something completely different, what if you run into an ex partner unexpected and you see them with another lover? How are you supposed to react? This again is something you will have to decide. Use the skills you have developed in your time away to make the best decision if it cannot be avoided.

Newton’s Third Law States:

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

The statement means that in every interaction, there is a pair of forces acting on the two interacting objects.
In short, if you act positive at the encounter, probability says you will GET a positive result. In my opinion, even is your ex partner is with someone else, do your best to remain positive. I know this can be difficult but do your best to try and focus on you.

Setbacks can ruin months of progress if you let it. What I did years ago was to visualize myself in such a situation. This is not easy but mentally it allowed me to prepare. Did it ever happen? No, but I at least tried to put myself in such an occasion just in case. Please do not get me wrong. DO NOT DWELL on this. I call this forward thinking. Only use this skill if you KNOW your ex is seeing someone new. Do not purposely put yourself in a situation that might hurt you. Do you best to make ANY contact you have with your ex a positive one.

I could go on and on about this but I think you get the general idea.

- Contact -

Time goes by, you DID pick up that phone and things led up to a potential meeting.
By greater intervention, your ex and you have set up a time and a place to see one another; preferably a neutral location where both will feel at ease and not feel so territorial. What do you do? What do you say? How do you react? The “what if’s” questions begin to flutter in your head and heard. There is not a book, a guide, advice, a kind word or a song that can prepare you for such a meeting.

All I can say is smile. Put on a smile that lights up a room. Smiling puts people at ease. If tears begin to swell, do your best to avoid them. Crying can be mistaken for many things. No one wants to hear, “maybe we shouldn’t have met.”

One of the hardest things to avoid is the “what happened to us” questions. Put your ex partner at ease and talk about what you have been up to. (job, family, travel, learning a new skill, etc) They are JUST as nervous as you are. By putting them at ease it allows them to open up more to you. Do not be a gusher. A gusher is someone who believes that if you do see your ex again that they profess their love for their ex right off the bat just to get it off your chest. This can be a disaster. Avoid this at all costs.

Another recommendation is to keep the encounter brief. In my opinion, 45 min is plenty for a first encounter. Do you best to make the moment a pleasant one and smile. I cannot emphasize that enough. Don’t over do it but a smile say “confidence”.

Take this opportunity to thank them for meeting you out and let them know they can contact you again is they wish. Put the choice on them gently. Do not make assumptions about your ex partner. They may have just wanted to see what you were up to. Never assume because it went well that anything will come of it.

All you can do is create a positive moment. The more positive moments you can create without making your ex feel uncomfortable, the better. Being positive you are, the more positive things will come from it. Learn to become the new you. Reflect back on what you have learned about you and let it shine. Radiate the new you and learn from what once was. Hold strong. You are a treasure. You are someone that deserves love and adoration. You are not what you once were but you times one hundred.

- Conclusion -

There isn’t enough time in this guide to cover everything I would have hoped. I do however want you to realize that you matter. If you want to improve yourself, you need to find out how. Let go of the notion that if you cannot be loved by someone, that you will never be loved by anyone.

You have a choice…and that choice is yours. Make it a choice that will reflect in all that you do.

I wish you all the best.

Life, Love and Happiness.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

www.theLoveLogic.com/forums

Shattered

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Sometimes it gets difficult to sit and write something so profound or helpful to those who have broken hearts. After all words are only words unless there is emotion attached to it. Too often we tend to see and dwell on the negative in our darkness that it’s hard to see or feel anything that would help us try and pick up the pieces that was once our heart.

Time heals all wounds but with all wounds, the scars are always there. When your heart is broken, it can grow back crooked and misshaped. Though the heart is healed, it can take on a new appearance or even learn to love less if you let it. A hardened heart can be one of the hardest things to let go of. There are times when not loving is easier because the risks of it breaking again are too great. Why try if it is only going to be broken again?

Let me ask you this…

Why try anything if the fear of failing is greater than the want to succeed? Sometimes hearts grow together and sometimes they just don’t fit. No matter how much we want them to, the glue never holds. No matter how much you give, you can’t make something love you back. What you must decide is if your partner is worth the fall? How do you know? The answer is, you don’t know. That’s the rub.

Love just doesn’t happen. You made a choice as well as your partner. Many do not realize that despite your greatest efforts, you can’t make someone love you back. You may have shared months or even years together but if the love isn’t there, what do you have? Companionship? You may try and fool yourself in believing that it’s better than being alone. If you have ever truly been in love, you know the difference. It cannot be mistaken because you get what you give back freely and openly. Love doesn’t have a time limit or an expiration date. Love is the greatest feeling in the universe. Without it, where would we be?

If you had to describe what love felt like to someone that has never been in love, how would you describe it? Sometimes you may hear he common descriptions such as butterflies in your stomach or feeling like nothing is wrong in the universe as you smile constantly and put that extra pep in your step. Love songs begin to take on new meaning and you can’t wait to see your partner, even for a moment. Holding hands with the one you love feels like a magnet. You naturally come together. You hand feels like its home and belongs in the other. Words don’t have to be spoken because the energy of just being with the one you love is enough. How many times have you seen an elderly couple holding hands and just “being”. They do it because of the love they share for one another. Love never ends.

If your heart has been broken, the bitterness can set and stay like wet concrete. If you let it harden, it will be difficult to remove. When love is lost, it’s not the pain that stays with you that hurts so much; it’s your heart wanting the love it had once back that is no longer there. The love IS there but not the form that you’re used to. Love, like a drug, can be addicting and when it is suddenly and unexpectedly taken away it hurts and the symptoms can be difficult to deal with. You can’t go to the doctor and say your heart is broken. There is no cure for a broken heart but time. How much time? ; As long as you need really. You are the one who will know when your heart is feeling better.

Walls can quickly be setup in order to protect an already fragile heart. You try and fool yourself into believing you can protect it. All it takes to tear down the walls is the right time, place and person. In all its greatness, your heart is exposed. Take the lessons learned from before and apply them in order to love with your head and heart.

Love can grow from a simple hello. A tiny spark can ignite into a raging fire if you don’t control it but such as the same with love. You can’t put limits on love and it isn’t controlled with an on and off switch. Someone may say that they don’t love you but what this primarily means is that they don’t love you the way you should be loved. The pain is still the same regardless but take some comfort in know that love hasn’t ended, it has merely changed form. Remember that a hardened or bitter heart doesn’t love as freely as one that is open. If you give or have given love with limits, you will get back exactly what you have given. Why should someone have to prove their love for you if you only give a small percentage?

Being in love is a risk BUT a risk worth taken even if short lived. The way I see it is that the experience alone is worth it despite the possible heartache. Why? Let me put it to you this way. I want you to remember what it felt like when you were in love. Can you remember the first time they kissed you? Can you remember the way you felt when they said they loved you and you loved them back? Can you remember how you felt when you were introduced as their boy/girlfriend? Can you remember the moments between seeing one another and how anxious you were to see them? Do you remember the hours on the phone together even though you spoke of nothing really important? Do you remember what it was like to fall asleep in one another’s arms?

Now take all of those feelings and throw them away. Take all the memories of someone you loved and try and throw them away like it never happened. The truth is, you can’t. Regardless of the downfall of your past relationships, the memories and experiences stick like glue. You may dare to venture in your dark closet of relationships young and old to gain knowledge or experience but learn to look in, find what you need and close the door. Don’t dwell in your past but learn from it. Though your heart may be broken, let time and life’s lessons be your band-aid. Don’t let your heart grow back crooked.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

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If It Was Meant To Be

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After days of not speaking to one another the silence is broken as the phone begins to ring. With each ring your heart starts to beat faster. You can feel the nerves in your stomach begin to tighten as the mind begins to slowly panic. “It’s her”, you silently tell yourself. After taking a deep breath, you slowly and cautiously answer the phone. “Hello….hey….I don’t want to fight anymore. I love you and –“ you begin but are cut off with the words you hoped and even prayed you would never hear. “So you are giving up on us? After three years you just want to give up? What about us? What about all the plans we made? ….I can change!! I know I can. If you would just listen a second….” The phone falls silent. All the memories of three years begin to flood your heart as the tears slowly begin to flood your eyes.

Regardless of how your breakup occurred it hurt. Sometimes there are those that let foolish pride stand in the way of love. The need to be right conflicts with logical reasoning which in turn makes things even worse. You are seen as selfish as well as unloving. Breakups are never easy. No matter how much time has transpired, the heart as well as ego hurt in unison. The feelings of not being attractive, wanted, needed or the idea that someone else has come along can weigh heavy in your heart. You start to over-analyze every word, every action, every time your ex came over late or was too tired to come over. You begin to think so much that you lose sleep. When you do end up in bed, your mind just won’t shut off. Your mind begins to think of all the good times together. You go over in detail how you met, the first time you kissed, the first time you made love, the trips; the holidays together…..the thoughts just won’t turn off.

Then you mind and heart dig deeper….

You begin to envision the last time they said they loved you. The thoughts of the late night promises and plans you made together begin to tear at you and your heart aches because of it. You try to convince yourself that they will be back. You assume they hurt just as much as you do. You hope they do. If you found out otherwise you would possibly feel worse than you already do right now. The nights seem to stretch for days. The mind is a funny thing, yet it can cause your body to react to things it assumes is the truth if you convince yourself otherwise. Time seems to stand still.

Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible but not because of lack of sleep but because your body is yelling “what’s the point”. If you do manage to get out of bed you typically find your morning thoughts to be of your ex. The thoughts begin to come slowly at first then they hit you all at once like a fist to the gut. Where do they come from? How do you make them stop? What are they doing? What are they thinking? Do they miss me? Are the coming back? What did this happen? Do they still love me? Do they see a chance down the road for us to get back together? Are they ok? Should I call to make sure they are alright? There are millions of questions you don’t have answers to and the assumptions start to kick in after days of silence. When one starts to assume, you make terrible, regrettable mistakes. When the simple trust could be that they just fell out of love with you yet you assume it was because of something you did or didn’t do, you begin to panic. You start to believe if they left you because you did or said something or maybe had a small argument that you could possibly apologize and have them back in your arms in no time. A sense of peace may calm your nerves for a short while yet it is short lived when the harsh reality of being alone sinks in.

The idea of your ex knocking on your door and throwing themselves at you in a moment of uncontrolled love is idealistic but not viable. It may work in the movies but not in reality. The more you assume you ex will do something such as call, write, text, email or come over; the more you will be setting yourself up for disappointment in the end. Sure they might call, but when? Is there a time limit? Is there a common knowledge or proper protocol that ex’s MUST follow in order to appease their ex lover? I think not. The more you expect something if ANYTHING from you ex, the more you will be waiting for something that may never come to be. Just because you wait doesn’t mean it will come to you. For example, you might want be a CEO of a Fortune 400 company but if you do NOTHING to achieve your goal, what is the probability of it becoming a reality? We cannot predict what others will do, say or feel. The more we assume, the more we do not know the truth. The more we do not know the truth the more we panic. The more we panic the more mistakes we make when it comes to ended relationships.

The thought that someone else could come along and reap the benefits of our hard work can be devastating. All of our time, love and future plans together destroyed in seconds can get the best of us if we let it. How can they be doing this to us? The truth be told is that they didn’t do anything to you, they did it to themselves. Even if your partner cheated on you, they did it to themselves and you are collateral damage. The more you give your ex power, the more you will not be living your life. If you wait for your ex to “do” something such as contact you or ask you out, you will be in a holding pattern. You will jump when the phone rings or possibly stay home in case they drop by or get online to chat. Why would you want to put your life on hold for someone that just walked out on you? If someone left you why on earth would you wait and see what happens? It’s because we hold on to what once was and the way they WERE when they were with us. We hold on to the love that ONCE was. We hope and pray that they somehow change their minds and run into our arms once again. Sure this happens in the movies and on rare occasions it does happen in reality but not without time and more importantly change.

How do we change? Why should we change? Do people really change in order to be loved by another? I guess it really depends on the logic behind the word change. If you assume that someone will love you just because you do this or look a certain way or believe this or that, how is this any part of love? To give up your own self-respect in order to be loved by another with conditions, is absurd. Love is patient, love is kind I say. I often use the phrase “See me , love me or F- off” All I mean by this harsh use of the English language is that I don’t have time to settle for those that refuse to give me the love and respect I deserve. I have found that in my 38 years that there are those that enjoy the power that you give them in order to manipulate. When someone knows for a fact that you will “always be there” how can they miss you? How can someone miss what is always there? The mystery is gone. It would be like running downstairs Christmas morning to find EVERY PRESENT unwrapped. Sure they are gifts but the excitement is the guessing or mystery of what it is. Relationships are NOT GAMES. There are so many that believe “If I DO this…they they will DO this.” If you “change” who you are and show them you have changed, you might expect them to love you because you DID what they asked you to do. I disagree with this 100%. I believe in compromise. Now in all honesty, years ago I was a marionette in my ex’s hand. She could say or do anything and I would not want to upset her. How foolish of me looking back but I learn from it in a HARSH way.

People love you because of the way they feel when they are with you. If you present yourself in the beginning of the relationship of something you aren’t then they are going to expect the person you’re not all the time. When we begin to date, we are on our best behavior. We tend to over-do it a little. The phone calls, the up until 2am conversations, the walks, the hand holding and the “Whatever you want is fine” line. As time passes and the chase is over, the need to impress is not longer a factor at least maybe in your eyes. Since I am writing this from a male point of view you can understand that men get lazy. I am not afraid to say it because I have been guilty of this myself in years past. When this happens, the masks as I call them come off. You show your true self. You present yourself as YOU rather than the person you wanted them to think you were. This is NOT always the case. There are times when people are who they are. How do you know the difference? Actions speak louder than words.

There are some out there in the world today that believe their ex owes them something after a break. I am not referring to money (this time). They have this false idea that just because they spent their time, love, affection and respect for someone that they magically assume that they are owed. What exactly they think they deserve is beyond me. For those foolish enough to think an ex owes you anything (unless we are talking money) you are only fooling yourself. If you worked in a company for 10 years and you were fired because you lacked on your performance for the past 2 years, does the company ask you what they owe you? Do they ask you what it is you need in because of tenure? I think not. Why would someone owe you? If you have this sense of entitlement, you’re not being loving you are looking for someone to respect you that has just rejected you. I suggest you get off your power trip because the person you want to respect you just walked out on you. That is a harsh reality to face but you can’t get blood from a turnip either.

After a break, you tend to badger your friends over and over. We have all been there. We ask our friends rhetorical questions and expect answers. We tend to say the same thing over and over yet we are mostly presented with this answer: “If it was mean to be..” What kind of answer is that? That isn’t an answer; it’s an open ended comment. Of course if it was meant to be it will be! It’s not that it doesn’t fit in this particular situation, it’s that it is over used and cliché’. When someone leaves you, there is a reason or reasons they did. You cannot fix THEIR problems or why they walked out on you. If you have the notion that you should “be there for them” you are only waiting to wait. Heaven forbid if you turn it around and look at it from a natural point of view and ask “Would they be there for me?” If you hesitate for two seconds, the answer is maybe. Who wants a maybe? I want a yes. I am the type of guy that loves a guarantee. YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM. They have to do this themselves. If you expect them to do it for you, you AGAIN are fooling yourself. In order for someone to change, they have to WANT to change without the pressure of “Change or I will abandon you.” Natural occurring change happens over time, not day; not weeks. People do not change despite what they tell you. They change naturally because they see what it is they need to improve about themselves, NOT because you told them to. If you allow someone back in your life that says they have changed, looks like they have changed but hasn’t…you will be right back where you started soon enough. Don’t give people credit until they earn it.

The more you use the word ‘they’, ‘she’ or ‘he’ the more you are pushing your thoughts and actions towards what it is your EX needs, wants and desires. In reality, you are putting your needs aside in hopes of winning someone back. When did you start considering your ex a prize? When did you STOP considering yourself a prize? If you feel gifts or rings are a way of winning someone back, again you are only fooling yourself. In panic mode, we believe we have to DO something in order to stop them from NOT loving us. For some odd reason we believe their love is like an hourglass full of sand that keeps slowly dwindling over time. If we don’t stop it, their love for us will be over never to be seen again. Let me be honest with you…WRONG! WRONG!! This is your heart thinking. It is not intended to think. It’s to live and love. Your brain is meant to reason and think. USE IT! True love never dies but it can change rolls. You cannot stop the process of love changing rolls but you CAN CHANGE MAKING FOOLISH MISTAKES. Take time to let go of the panic. If it sets in again, do NOTHING. If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong. There is nothing worse than hearing from an ex about how much of a jerk you are when you are at home wishing desperately that they would come back. If you make mistakes, it’s fine but remember, the MORE mistakes you make, the worse you will feel. Also remember more mistakes means pushing your ex further and further away. Why justify your ex for breaking up with you? Don’t do it. You have been warned.

Despite our greatest effort, despite our love for our past, despite our want to reconcile, we have to realize that it’s not just up to us. It takes two WILL partners to make it work. Use your head and think about what it is you truly want and need. You are not foolish. You are someone that deserves to be loved despite ONE PERSON not loving the way you planned. Take that nonsense away and learn that you need to learn to respect yourself before you expect it from others. If you don’t love and respect yourself, how can you expect others to? If they walk away, they take the respect and love with them leaving you empty and wanting it back. Try to cope with feelings you may be experiencing right now. I know it’s difficult. I have been there. I know exactly what it is you might be going through but it does get better if you WANT it to. You have to decide to wait around for something they may never happen or take the chance. No one is to blame but you if you wait and nothing comes of it. I chose to move forward. I use the attitude of “If you want me bad enough you will follow me.” I have never looked back and nor will I. I choose to live my life the way I see fit. I make my own decisions. I make my own choices and know that in the long run I never settled for anything less. I hope you can find the courage and strength within yourself to take my words and push yourself forward. There is greatness inside you that cannot be stopped. Just because someone walked out of your life doesn’t mean someone greater won’t walk in. Let go of the anger, the sadness and hurt. Give it to God or your higher power. Learn that all things happen for a reason.

If it was meant to be….the MAKE IT BE BECAUSE YOU MADE YOU BE.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

theLoveLogic.com

Relationship Advice – I’ll Get Over You

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It’s been over 8 months since your partner walked out of your life. The images of yesterday and the good times play in your head like a romantic comedy that didn’t have a happy ending…at least not yet. Food has lost its flavor. You can’t seem to focus on daily tasks because you can’t seem to turn off the thoughts of “why” and “are they coming back”. You have picked up the phone over a thousand times; you just need to hear their voice once more and to make sure they are ok. The thought of calling is scary enough but the thought of someone else answering convinces you to put the phone down every time. “Maybe they are waiting for me to call? If I don’t call, maybe they will think I don’t care? What if all I had to do was say I am sorry and that I will change.

They know I love them more than anything so maybe I should just…”

Does this scene strike a chord inside? How many times have we tried to convince ourselves that we need to “do” something in order to save a dead relationship? Though the breakup was tough, you both walked away and have refused to communicate despite the urges. The “what if’s” have been robbing you of sleep and day to day life so many time lately you can’t stand it any longer. The need for 100% closure is killing you softly inside because despite common sense telling you it’s over, you have to hear and see it for yourself.

Despite words, actions tell us most of what we need to know. If someone used to call you morning, afternoon and evening then suddenly stops without explanation, something is indeed wrong. Why did they suddenly stop? Why now? What did I do? What did I not do? Human nature forces us to look at ourselves first and ask the questions we are so familiar with over and over again. Sadly, we might end up trying to fix something that isn’t broken and end up pushing others further away in the process. Desperation can be a beast all its own. When we feel someone is pulling away, something inside tells us to “fix it”. How do we do this? We ‘over do’ what we might have always done while in the relationship or even worse, we end up doing things we never did before in order to make someone stay. Most of the time, we end up looking exactly like we NEVER intended; desperate, needy, clingy and weak.

How to you make someone stay in love? Is there a magic formula for keeping someone in love with you? What if you have given all of you to someone and they STILL lost interest? Do you try harder? Do you try to present yourself in a new light in order to look not only better in their eyes but their heart? I believe that love is an equal, two way street. If one starts to lose interest, you can’t patch it. It is 100% up to the individual. Situations vary of course but if you were both loving and giving yet the spark is beginning to fade, what can be done to salvage the already dying relationship? A fire will die without oxygen. How do we supply the needed “fix” in order to reassure someone to stay? The truth is nothing. I am basing this on a loving relationship between two partners and not a one-sided relationship that ended up being someone giving and someone taking the majority of the time.

Sometimes those that have taken advantage of a partner are more lost than those that haven’t because the needed supply of attention is gone. If you cut off the food supply, you starve the beast. It’s the same when it comes to selfish love. A one-sided or selfish relationship will perish when the one starved for love FINALLY realizes that the love is not here, nor has it been returned and are convinced to move on. This leaves the selfish partner acting desperate for attention and tries to convince the other to stay so they can “change”. It rarely happens and typically ends up being a “a little too late.” Crying wolf will never get you what you want because you should have been honest with who you were up front instead of dressing up in sheep’s clothing and being someone you could never be.

Why do we hang on after the love is gone? Why do we want to be dragged for miles though our past and end up hurting ourselves more than our partners ever did? The answer is that we are choosing to believe the one that just got away was “perfect” or in all fairness, perfect in your eyes. We will begin to see your partner as a vision of what we have always wanted instead of what they actually were. How many times after a breakup did you end up fanaticizing about your ex in ways you have never thought of while IN the relationship? Our heart puts the ex on a pedestal and in return, we end up hurting ourselves more because we know that “perfect love” is gone.

The more we give our ex partners the power of us (meaning we put them before ourselves) the more we will stay exactly where we are or end up hurting deeper than we had previously. To put someone before ourselves is not only dramatic but it starts to convince you that you don’t matter as much as someone else. Do you not matter in order to be loved by someone else?

There are so many that refuse to move on because they feel guilty for not caring about the ex. Months could pass yet the wounds are left wide open. With any wound left untreated, it starts to fester and cause more problems than the original cause. Why continue to throw salt on your OWN wound? You can love your ex from a distance but you need to understand that you control you. No one ever said you couldn’t love someone. You need to learn to put your needs first and love yourself. You do matter. You have always mattered and you don’t need someone to convince you otherwise. It’s not easy to get through a breakup. It takes time. How much time is different for everyone but if you want to feel better, you will.

To assume someone will come back into your life as you sit around and wait, would only postpone your heart from healing. I have often said “why wait for a train at the airport?”. The best advice I could give is to mourn your lost, don’t over analyze your situation, try and prevent your ex from being put on your pedestal and learn from the past in order to move forward. To constantly bombard friends and family about the same issue over and over again is only demonstrating your need to be TOLD that something may change. You want to hear someone say they are coming back in order to ease the pain in your heart. The truth is that no one knows. Time is your ally if you use it wisely. The more you waste time thinking about the past, the more you will STAY in the past. You will constantly make yourself feel worse because you can’t feel the love they once had for you in the present. You can’t feel their arms around you. You feel their soft lips on yours. You can’t feel them beside you when you sleep. You can’t see them look at you and smile from across the room. Why? Because they are NOT THERE. There is no way someone can turn off the feelings and thoughts of yesterday, but you can try to push them out of your head for now until you can come to grips with the break. The more you do not accept that the break is final, the more you will be in emotion limbo. It could take weeks or even months to accept but he sooner you try to move forward, the better off you will be.

No one can tell you HOW to get over someone because everyone is different. You will know when you are ready to move forward. Listen to your head and let it do the thinking for you. Don’t allow your heart to make logical decisions. It will serve no purpose. Learn by doing nothing, when those panicky feelings emerge, means that nothing can go wrong. Why do something and push someone further away than do nothing KNOWING you can do no wrong?

Letting go is not giving up. Letting go means that you are going to free your mind and heart from the burden of whatever is causing the worry. Why stress over something when you are in FULL control of you? I choose to live for today rather than looking at my life and thinking “the best is over”. The more you start to believe in you and your ability to feel better, the faster you will start. Think positive. Try and visualize yourself feeling better and smiling. The more you think positive, the more you will BE positive. It takes practice at first but soon it will become a habit. The more you practice a good habit that is positive, the better off you will become. Negativity attracts more negativity. Why would you want to purposely bring more pain and hurt your way? Let it go! You can do it. Don’t let temporary circumstances get you down when you have the rest of your life to feel better.

To quote the Shawshank Redemption
“Get busy living or get busy dying….damn right.”

Believe in yourself and your ability to feel better. No one can do this for you and you have the power within yourself to do anything you choose. Take responsibility for your own actions and let the universe deal with everything else.

Take care of yourself,

SuperDave71

 

 

 

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Tell It To My Heart

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“Come on…why won’t they answer?” you begin to ask yourself. The 2nd ring turns into the 5th and now the 8th when you are faced with the sounds of your ex instructing you to “leave a message; I’ll get back to you”. The sound of their voice comforts you…if only for a short while. You snap your phone shut before hearing the beep. “Why won’t they talk to me? All I want to do is say I am sorry and that we can work this out? Why are they making this so difficult?” Your heart beings to ache and your mind begin to wander as it concocts images of someone taking your place in your lover’s arms and your stomach begins to rumble with distaste. The crowded streets seem empty though the hustle and bustle of everyday life surrounds you yet, your thoughts are somewhere else far, far away from the present.

Have you ever been in the situation where you are doing you best to deal with current break the best you can yet the emotions start to swell in your heart and the urge to cry is so much that you just can’t stop? You often find yourself thinking a “break” is merely temporary. You often try to convince yourself that your lover is at home right now grieving over the loss of you. Our hearts and thought can play many cruel images if we let them. Though time passes slowly, nothing can take the thoughts of your ex, your pasts together or a possible solution to your current heartache. You may be going through the actions of daily life; yet your thoughts are somewhere else. Have you ever thought that the word break meant to be broken or to break down? What about heartbreak?

Years ago, I can remember thinking these thoughts. I was no different than you might be right now because my heart was still in the relationship and I assumed my partner’s was too. I figured if my heart was breaking so was theirs. If my heart was filled with love for them, their heart in turn must be filled with the same love for me. Sadly, I was only fooling myself. My heart was trying to convince my head that if I felt this way and my ex told me that she loved me many times before that she must STILL love me . I cannot tell you the harsh reality I had to face when all of my assumptions never came to pass. The feeling of rejection can chill you to the bone as well as sweep your pride right under a rug. You often find yourself trying to win someone back merely because you have to prove it to yourself that you can. There may be love in your heart but your pride is at stake. How dare they reject me based off of nothing! How can someone stop loving me when our relationship was perfect? You have to ask yourself the same question I had to ask myself and that is “who thought the relationship was perfect, you or your ex?” If you’re the one feeling rejected, then your ex did not share the same thoughts or feelings your heart did.

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn growing up is that the world owes me nothing. To put it another way, just because I wanted something to happen and even tried with all my heart to make it happen doesn’t mean it WILL happen. We have to accept the good with the bad; the successes with the failures. Another big lesson was that failure to get what you want doesn’t mean to quit, it means KNOWING when to quit. There is a huge difference between the two. Knowing when to quit doesn’t mean you accepted the outcome, it means you accepted it as not being within your control. No matter how long you were with your ex, you do not control their heart; they do. You may want them back with all that you are but wanting and hoping doesn’t solve your current situation. The heart tries to fight the mind in the beginning. The thoughts that go through your head are endless about your partner. I have been there. I wanted to make each and every thought just disappear but they continued to plague me even when I tried to sleep. Accept the things you cannot change on your own and accept the life lesson each failure brings. How you learn without making mistakes? Experience is the key when it comes to matter of the heart. Problems arise when you try to apply logic to matters of the heart. The way the heart “thinks” is not the same as the brain.

As an example of the above statement, the brain assumes sometimes that if you feel the way you do, that the other party involved possibly feels the same as you do based on the time together and the level of loved shared by both either past or present. This is NOT a true statement. There is no logic when it comes to matters of the heart. Why is it we can be fine one moment and suddenly burst into tears while driving when a thought of your ex pops into your head? There is no rhyme or reason for such reactions but we can learn from all experience if we allow ourselves.

Blaming never solves a problem and neither does arguing. To argue means to defend your pride as well as your need to be right or validated. When has arguing about a break solved anything? If you ex is seeing someone new, it can take the wind right out of your sails yet making threats or foolish phone calls will only make you more foolish in their eyes. What business is it of yours what they do the same as what business it is of theirs what YOU do? An ex relationship, no matter what the cause, doesn’t owe you an explanation. Yes, I realize that is also a tough one to understand but it’s the truth. It’s our hearts that need an explanation. Sometimes when we assume everything is perfect ON BOTH SIDES of the relationship, we end up hurting ourselves more than our partner because we assumed that just because you felt a certain way that they must feel exactly the same, if not similar. Love in its truest form is always returned equally and without asking. If you find yourself asking your partner to love you or DO they love you the chances are you are pushing something that they just don’t feel at the present moment. To push someone is to push them away in my opinion. You can’t make someone love you if they don’t or even worse…you can’t make someone love you AGAIN if they choose not to.

No matter what thoughts go through your head, words solve nothing. You cannot solve weeks, months or possibly years of relationship issues with words. Actions speak louder than any words ever could. If you don’t believe me, ask your friends what words solved when they went through a breakup. I can tell you that the common reactions of begging, pleading, texting and being desperate in any form only pushes your partner further and further away. Who wants to be with someone who is weak and needy? Put yourself in their shoes a while. If you heart just isn’t in the relationship anymore and your ex hounds you over and over again in hopes of convincing you to love them again or give them a second change because you say you will change, how would they look in their eyes? Would you want to see your ex begging you to come back because they miss you or would you rather not see them at all because the breakup was difficult enough regardless? Every situation is different. No one can tell you what will happen in your current situation but, based off of experience with negative behavior chances are you will get a NEGATIVE reaction. Promises made during a break are rarely the glue that holds love together. Love holds love together but it has to be from BOTH parties involved. Why on earth would you want to convince someone with words why they should stay? I cannot tell you how foolish I looked years ago when I was the one that did the begging. I figured it was a way to lovingly convince my ex’s that I loved them. What I didn’t know is that it had the opposite effect. Desperation in ANY form is unattractive.

When rejected, we all have the urge to work out and get our physical appearance in check. I find nothing wrong with this yet if your partner loved you for you, what difference is bulking up or slimming down going to really make in their hearts? The truth is you are working on your side because you can’t face the fact that it is your inside that needs the most work. Please don’t take that last statement the wrong way but the physical appearance is the easy part. Having to look within is the hardest part. The reason is we can look in the mirror and SEE with our own eyes what we need to work on. Looking inside requires much more effort and reflection. To put it another way, it forces us to see what and who we really are not only in our eyes but the eyes of those around us. If you want to put the physical appearance against what is on the inside a different way try this. You can work out and diet all you want. Weeks later you look fabulous but if your partner left you because you were arrogant or egotistical, what does the physical bring with it in your hopes of getting your ex back? Sometimes you just want to feel better. I can completely agree with this but if you are trying to look better in your ex partner’s eyes then you need to look at the real reason(s) they left you in the first place.

Facing the truth can really be humbling. To know that you loved someone so much yet possibly took them for granted means you brought the conclusion on yourself. This is not always the case but there are those that assume when someone loves you that THEY WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. I find this to be a VERY foolish statement because everything that is living needs nurturing. If you neglected a plant of food and water for very long would you expect it to live and grow? Why would you stop nurturing those you love? What is the difference? I want you to listen carefully.

If you learn anything from this thread it’s this:

The moment you assume your partner will never leave you is the exact moment they started to think about leaving you.

This is a very harsh statement to understand but its purpose is simple. Never assume someone will stay with you forever just because they say they love you. If you don’t believe me…tell it to your hear why they just walked out the door and possibly out of your life forever.

Think about it…

-SuperDave71

A Common Sense Guide to Women for Men

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**Author’s Disclaimer**

I am NOT a therapist nor a professional counselor. The following advice is given in a take it or leave it format. The author (me) does not intend for the user (you) to agree 100% with the following but to merely listen with the intent to learn from the author’s mistakes. My post will not give false hope to the user but will give the user a possible different way of dealing with their current situation.
Thank you….and I wish you the best no matter what your situation.

Let’s begin…

You have heard the advice over and over again. You have read the same thing hundreds of times yet the situation stays the same. Your ex is not closer to you or possibly you just found out they were dating someone else. What happened to you? Do you matter? Of course you do.

In my opinion, if you feel defeated…you are defeated. What does this mean exactly? If you believe that you have no chance with your ex, chances are you won’t. Every situation here at theLoveLogic is different. We all have had our share of breakups, heartache and major setbacks. We share a common bond in the belief that we CAN get our ex’s back. Relationships would be so easy if they had a manual. We could all turn to the back and select “Troubleshooting” but we know this is not the case. We all make mistakes. We have all yelled and screamed like children when we don’t get our way. The sad reality is that we do not fear the consequences of our actions BEFORE we make the mistakes. Our hearts ache because we didn’t use our brain.

Albert Einstein said that humans only use 10% of our brain capacity. I can personally say I agree with this based on my past actions. I cannot tell you how many times “after the fact” that I had said to myself “Why the hell did I do that?” I have stirred many nights wondering what the next morning will bring. Will I receive a phone call? Will I get the cold shoulder? Is it over? Do they STILL love me? Am I a bad person for what I did or didn’t do? The list can be endless. We can be our worst enemies. Being alone with your thoughts can be dangerous and set you back with quick actions that were brought on by “It seemed like a GREAT idea at the time”. I cannot tell you how many times my heart was filled with the BEST intentions of love and compassion but failed miserably to get the point across because I was needy and desperate.

If I were to cook an eloquent meal for someone I loved, would I not research and take my time learning what they wanted and how to prepare the meal? Why wouldn’t I just prepare a burger or a few hot dogs? I wouldn’t because I wanted to prepare something THEY loved and wanted…rather than something etable. This analogy is not based on food per se’ but the idea of relationships being similar.

Let’s break this down:

Common Sense

For all the guys out there, I want to express something I hope you can remember the rest of your life. In every relationship I ever had I made mistakes. We are not perfect. If you compare those mistakes they may not be the same, but some are very similar. Here is the secret I want you to put in your head and remember.
The secret is not falling in love, it’s STAYING in love.

Men for the most part love the challenge of seducing a woman. A beautiful woman that gives a man attention is desirable. It is in our nature to be drawn to her. This, however, does NOT IN ANYWAY say that men are bad. My point is simple, we love the challenge. Guys, let’s say in our pursuit, we wine and dine. We dress in our finest. We open the door. We give the compliments. We give our 100% attention. We do the very things that women find attractive. Finally, she loves you. She thinks you are like no other she has ever met and she is the happiest she has ever been in her life. She brags to everyone about finding you. She tells her family about you. She thinks about you all the time at work, school and any free time she may have….She wants to be with you all the time, even if it is in the next room. The phone calls can last hours. We use our best material on her to woo her further. She is walking on air.
Sadly, the walking on air fades. Why? Because the opening the door, giving complements, giving 100% attention, the dining and going out vanishes in a heartbeat because THERE IS NO OTHER REASON TO IMPRESS HER. I want you to read the last line about a thousand times. I want you to get it in your head that if you believe you can be the man they always wanted and expect you to be…they will stay. If you stop doing the very things you did “in the beginning” you will become a statistic. You will sit ALONE  in your home and tell yourself “it was so good in the beginning but she changed.” Nine times out of ten, she changed because YOU did. This is not as simplistic as I am making it out to be. Please do not get me wrong on this. I am also NOT blaming men for all the issues in a relationship whatsoever. My theory is only to educate so that you can think about your current situation and learn from past mistakes.

As men, we must appreciate the treasure we find. I learned a very difficult lesson when I assumed my girlfriend would never leave me because we were ‘made’ for each other. It was my own arrogance years ago that allowed two relationships to fade away and disappear as I was left trying to pick up the very pieces of what used to be my heart and ego. Don’t let this happen to you.
There is a typical cycle of dating I want you guys to understand. It took me over 36 years to realize this but I am going to freely pass this along to you.
You meet a beautiful girl that is loving and really likes you for you. You pick up on this and you begin to casually date one another. You wine and dine and impress the girl until she is yours. Months later she tells you “I love you”…You smile because you love her to AND ALSO BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE IS YOURS. You can NOW take off the mask you had IN THE BEGINNING. You can finally BE YOU. You don’t have to impress anymore. You settle in to your relationship but find that she is not giving YOU the attention you once had. You both start to argue. The fights and going out with friends begin to take their toll. Finally, you breakup.
Or even worse…
The fights begin to take their toll and you realize that she is smiling a lot more when she leaves. To your dismay, you find out later that she has been secretly seeing someone that met the very needs you neglected to meet. The very things you did to win her heart….someone else is giving to her freely.
The art of seduction begins again….with someone new.

OUCH! Please don’t get me wrong, there are thousands of situations that are NOT similar to this. Read the above carefully and evaluate you current situation the best you can. There is NO way I could create all scenarios but I wanted to use my thought process based on what I have learned in my past.

My point is this; treat your lover with respect, honor and dignity consistently. There are billions of people out there that could be perfect for them. If you give them the opportunity …they might take it. Would you display a money clip with thousands of dollars freely so everyone can see? No, you would protect it. Women are priceless treasures….if you don’t believe me…Fall in love with one….neglect her…..and when she leaves you, she will not only take away herself….she will take away your heart.

Love a woman the way you expect to BE loved. You can never go wrong with this equation. It will never fail you if you live and love by it.
She Left Me

If you lover has ALREADY left you because of something you did or said, you have a serious choice to make. Ask any guy in the forum that has tried to get an ex back quickly, and they will tell you it didn’t happen. The best strategy for getting an ex back is a plan. You have heard many say this before and it should NOT be something new. The kicker is, the plan STARTS WITH YOU…NOT your ex. If you believe that you can “DO” something such as:
1. If I can just talk to her, I think I can get her back (wrong)
2. I will buy her a (wrong)
3. I will hurt her new man if he touches her (wrong)
4. If I show up at her door and (wrong)
5. (wrong)

Regardless of what idea you may have to “win” them back, it will almost 10 times out of 10 fail. Why? because you did NOT put yourself in THEIR shoes. When traveling to an unknown destination, we would typically take a map. This will allow the user to find where they are going. It also allows us to create a plan on how to arrive at our destination. The way I see getting back together is a lot like traveling. If you don’t know WHERE your going, how do you expect to get to your destination? Think about that one for a second. You call, text, plead, beg show up and proclaim your love after you cheated on them, you are only beating a dead horse. It also will show your ex you are weak.

Cheating

Men are supposed to be strong. I didn’t say bullying or over-protective. Women look up to men because of their nature and character. If you go out, pick up a girl, cheat on your lover once (or multiple times) and expect them to “take you back”…you need your head examined. The moment you have a thought in your head of cheating, sit back and close your eyes and imagine your ex reaching into your heart and ripping it out while you feel every fiber being yanked away to what was once your chest. I try to put myself in other’s shoes BEFORE making hasty decisions. Sex feels amazing. Sex with someone you love is DEVINE. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Ask ANY woman on the planet. She will tell you the same.

If you cheat and expect a positive result, you need to re-evaluate your morals. Have I ever cheated you may ask? Yes, I have years ago. Was it worth it? With all that I am, I say absolutely not. There are several reasons why people cheat but men cheat because they ASSUME they will not get caught. I don’t care how much you have “had to drink”, I want you to chew on this for while. If you have a lover, and they cheated on you, no matter what the “excuse was” (drunk, feeling lonely, etc) would you forgive them 100% and let them know that the trust you once had for them has NOT been affected whatsoever? I seriously doubt it.
Trust

Everyone knows you earn trust. From the moment you meet anyone, you trust them UNTIL they PROVE themselves otherwise. When you met you ex, you trusted her. You wanted to get to know her, you thought about her all the time, wanted to see her, kiss her and just “be” with her. She made your heart swell. A simple mention of her name made you smile on the inside and out. Months pass and you are seriously dating. Then, out of the blue, a friend calls and wants to go out with you. You meet out and you have a few drinks. The girls are flirty and your friend is single and enjoying the moment. Do you or do you not take advantage of the situation? Don’t get me wrong, innocent flirting is harmless but it’s when you hear the famous, “No, I don’t have a girlfriend” or “No, I am not dating anyone” line that gets in the way. In my opinion, as soon as that line creeps in your head, your lover should get a phone call from the TRUST police.

“Hello Mame…”
“Yes?, who is this please”
“Hello Mame, we are the trust police and we wanted to inform you that your boyfriend is a lying piece of crap.”
“Oh my….how bad is it TRUST officer?”
“Mame, he just used the ‘No, I am not dating anyone’ line”

“Thank you for calling officer…I will rip his heart out for him…thanks again!”

Trust is the one thing ALL relationships are based on. Whether business or romantic relations…trust is the key. If you have NO trust, there can be NO love. Just putting it out there for you.

A little bit of advice for you and this is a BIGGIE
If you lose someone’s trust…it is almost one-hundred times harder to earn it back
Can it be done….it can. How you ask? My favorite line of all..

“ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS”

If you treat someone lovingly and demonstrate it consistently, your relationship will have the very foundation that will allow it to flourish. If you are not consistent and you tell your lover how much you love them yet DO nothing to demonstrate it, how do you expect to get anything reciprocated? If you needs are not being met in a relationship, take a look at what you are giving. If you are giving 100%, and NOT getting 100%, you have issues that need to be communicated. To anyone that is reading this, PROBLEMS DO NOT WORK THEMSELVES OUT on their own.

Real issues need to be communicated and worked on by BOTH parties involved. If only one party is doing the work…the other is not needed in the relationship. Think of it this way, if you and your partner have the exact same job and both are being paid the same amount of money…but you are doing the work for both of you and only getting paid ONE salary. Is that fair? NO….the other party is NOT needed.

Walking Away

Sometimes despite our valiant efforts as men, we fail. The truth is, we really don’t FAIL. We only lack to fill the other person’s physical and emotional needs. Is that a character flaw in us? No way! We, as men tend to take things too personally or we have the notion that if something is broken, we HAVE to fix it. Some things are beyond repair. People have to realize that even though love blossomed in the beginning, sometimes despite how much sun and water and food a rose gets…it will eventually die.

Despite how you are feeling right now about whatever you are personally going through, do yourself a favor. Take something positive away from every negative situation. The love of your life may have just walked out the door. You might be sitting alone in your room waiting for the phone to ring. You may be reading these forums every night hoping and praying you find the answer to your situation. The sad fact is, you know the answer. With all the negative and confusing emotions rolling around in your head and heart….you keep trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes, you just have to say, I gave it 100% and if it wasn’t good enough…it just wasn’t meant to be. Try not to take it so personal if you can.

If you didn’t give 100%, create a plan that if your ex does open the lines of communication with you, that you can GIVE 100% and SHOW them consistently. If you sit around and don’t work on yourself whatsoever and expect the SAME relationship to be DIFFERENT,(better) than before, you are in for a harsh surprise. Who wants to hear “You haven’t changed a bit!” NOT ME! A lot of guys head to the gym and start looking better. I agree with this and it makes you feel better. I do want to say this though. If you look great and are still the you once were…your still NOT getting what it is that women NEED. Sure they want a strong man that looks great and takes care of himself, but they ALSO need a man that will be JUST AS STRONG AND GOOD LOOKING ON THE INSIDE

I wish you all the best…

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

A Common Sense Guide to Men for Women

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**Author’s Disclaimer**

I am NOT a therapist nor a professional counselor. The following advice is given in a take it or leave it format. The author (me) does not intend for the user (you) to agree 100% with the following but to merely listen with the intent to learn from the author’s mistakes. My post will not give false hope to the user but will give the user a possible different way of dealing with their current situation.

Thank you….and I wish you the best no matter what your situation.

Let’s begin…

I decided to write this series in two parts; One for the guys and this one for the women. I want you all to understand that when it comes to women, like most men, I am clueless but I do make a conscious 100% effort to try. I would also like to preface this to them men out there that may be somewhat curious and decide to read this. I am merely posting my opinions and advice based on what I have experienced in my own life.

The phone rings. You pick it up and you hear the same voice you have heard for months possibly years. The tone is not the usual but it is cold, almost unfamiliar. “What is it honey?” you reply. The worst four words in the English language that pertain to relationships are as follows:

“We need to talk”

I have heard this so many times before I can’t even begin to count them all. I don’t know what triggers the brain to release the “shivers” but when the phrase is spoken, the cold begins to creep all over you. I remember years ago, while in college, I received a phone call from my soon to be ex and I can almost re-live the very moment. My mood went from…”Hey baby, whatcha doin?” to “What do you mean?” as my smile faded to a frown almost instantly. If I only knew that the smile I was wearing would not return for almost a year, I would have done my best to be a better man. Do I blame myself? No. I just didn’t understand the circumstances involved ripping my heart out and it being handed to me.

I find it amazing that people use the phrase, they “broke my heart”. I believe it to me more like them handing your heart back saying “I am sorry, but I don’t want to carry this any longer” and then gently handing it back as we tell them in a panic “No God, No ….I gave this to you. I want you to have it. Please don’t give it back!!” Being a man of 36 years, I have met some wonderful women out there. Some rejected me, some left me, some just came, saw and left. C’est la vie right? I can however be man enough to admit that I was hurt some of the time but I learned from each an every one of the experiences. If you turn a negative situation into a positive one, what do you lose? You lose nothing.

Ladies…it’s your turn.

Let’s begin…

Your man is not giving you the respect you deserve. He has somehow “changed”. He has been more distant not only physically but emotionally. You have tried to talk about it with him but he doesn’t want to listen. You find that he get irritated at the smallest things. The phone hardly rings anymore unless there is a direct question or business that needs to be taken care of. You worry yourself to death and you are hoping the worst is over. The nights out with friends grow more frequent and the “call me later” request is ignored. Is this the same man that used to call me ten times a day just to say hello? Is this the same man that said I was his everything? What have I done to deserve this?

The questions begin to bounce off the back of your head as you feel the “panic door” that has been closed for so long to slowly creek open. Then, it happens. You hear the question echoing in your head and feel it in your heart. It rings like a bell as you begin to feel the goose-flesh rise all over your body.

“Does he still love me?”

 

Common Sense

For the ladies out there, I am going to say it out loud. I don’t mean to be offensive to my gender but MEN ARE STUPID. HA HA (*Author’s Note** Ladies, we can’t move on unless you get that grin off your face and stop laughing why you are at it!!) Women love to talk. They will tell you exactly how they are feeling all the time. Sadly, the men eventually “tune you out” and only pick up the following words.

1. Sex ( just the mere mention of the word will make a man turn his head)
2. Breakfast, lunch and Dinner. (Any of the words will work)
3. Money
4. Free Beer
5. Vacation
6. Ball game ( pick a sport)
7. Plasma Screen or New Big Screen
8. New Car or fix up an old car.

The following list was created to make you smile. Men are very stereotypical and are typically happy by nature. Men are adventurers. We like to explore the unknown. We, just like the ladies out there love to be given attention but be warned; too much attention can scare a man off in a heartbeat. (the same applies to a woman). The old saying too much of a good thing can actually hurt you.

Ask any man how his day was, I bet he can tell you in less than three minutes. Ask a woman; you get a play by play walkthrough that the ESPN color commentators would be jealous of. Men for the most part do not like play by plays, we love highlights. Women tend to be offended easily when men act as if we don’t care. Sure we do, just use small words and if the man is looking like he is tuning out…end your next sentence with the word ‘sex’ and you will once again regain his full attention. (Just Kidding!) O.k….sorry for my silliness.

Like any relationship issue, lack of communication could be one of the main reasons for breakups. The paradox is this; Men selectively listen and women will tell you EXACTLY how they feel. How can a man love a woman and still not listen? Well, the truth of the matter is men DO listen. Think of it this way, if you go to a movie and describe to a friend what it was about, a man will tell what it’s about with the highlights and a woman will be MORE detailed.

This is not a fault, it’s our nature. How can something we naturally do be wrong or considered a flaw? Men will do anything for the woman they love. Think about it, women typically love to be wined, dinned and give compliments as well as given your full attention without being to over-bearing. Men ask you what you like, what you do, about your childhood, your family and anything else he can think of so he can find out a more about you.

If you want to know what a man thinks…here are some the lyrics from the famous song:

“When a Man Loves a Woman” By Percy Sledge
When a man loves a woman
Can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else
He’d trade the world
For a good thing he’s found
If she is bad, he can’t see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down
When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He’d give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that’s the way
It ought to be
When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I’ve got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don’t treat me bad

I cannot tell you how much I love this song. Not only for the song itself, but the meaning and passion put into writing it. When I was in my teenage years, I wanted so much for a girl to like me. I would have given anything to feel love from a girl. Sadly, I would have accepted almost anything because I didn’t know what I wanted in the first place. How do we know what we want if we NEVER had it? How can we say someone is or “soul mate” when you have NO idea what is out there to choose from?

Men and women generally go on first impressions. We look at the exterior before we look “under the hood” so to speak. Dating is considered test driving and purchasing is considered a commitment. Take a guess what repossession is considered?

 

He has been “Acting Distant” lately

When a man acts distant or replies with short, direct answers to simple questions, there is a problem. It could be one of many things but it would be better to confront him with a simple, hey are you ok? Do you want to talk about it? I don’t know about you guys, but I respond very well to body contact. As a man, I like it when my lover touches me gently on the arm when talking to me. I love it when she looks into my eyes.

Why? Because as a man, I love having the full attention of the very person I love the most. This is of course true for both men and women.
I cannot say this enough but problems and issues do not solve themselves. Whether love, money or family, problems do not just fix themselves. Sometimes people take silence as not caring. Sadly, some care TOO much. Show that you care, let your lover know but looking them in the eye and saying something loving like “If something is bothering you, I am here for you if you want to talk. If it bothers you, it bothers me. I love you and I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. I am here if you need me” , then leave it alone.

Men DO NOT respond well to nagging. You want to close off your man emotionally and possibly physically, continue to question him “I know something is wrong…..tell me what it is.”

To all the men possibly reading this thread out of pure curiosity, please back me up in the following statement to the ladies. If you ask a man that is distant and maybe has his mind somewhere else, NEVER ASSUME IT IS ABOUT YOU. It could be anything. Always go with what you know…rather than what you may assume. I cannot tell you how many e-mails I have received that describe this very issue. Arguments SHOULD NEVER be used as a ways of hurting someone intentionally. Disagreement can go on for hours and escalade so quickly that by the time you guys are finished screaming at one another, you can’t remember what the original disagreement was.

I don’t care if you are male or female, if you bring up something in an argument that was supposedly resolved, you will only make it worse. Remember, when you agree to disagree no one should get hurt. If you have something to prove, and choose to be right, you will make your own bed…and now you must lie in it. Try to be loving, kind, understanding and concerned. Anything else could be seen as being pushy or even worse, untrusting.

 

We have Children Together

I get questions about this all the time. It is a very touchy subject so please understand that you are getting advice from someone who has never had children.

Let’s begin…

In my opinion, the children ALWAYS come first. This is true with both MEN and WOMEN. Two adults that want to name call, or despise one another in front of the children should get professional help. This act is cruel, insensitive not to mention NOT LOVING…not for your ex but to your children. Children are innocent until exposed to such horrific displays of temporary insanity. I could not imagine not being able to be man enough to hold back the tears and resentment if any were present towards the mother and taking it out on the children.

Children are NOT SPIES! DO NOT ask you children to TELL YOU who mommy is seeing or what she is doing!!! This is so unfair and vengeful to your ex as well as the children. These are YOUR children. Be a POSITIVE ROLE MODEL…..not a vengeful parent who only wants revenge for the simple fact that the relationship didn’t work out with the father or mother of your children. Not only are you setting a horrible role model, you are letting the children know that it is OK to be hateful.

Ladies and gentlemen, the world is filled with too much hate already. We don’t need anymore. Spread love and happiness to your family. Learn to put past differences aside when it comes to the children. Learn to cooperate with the other parent. This can be difficult sometimes depending on the situation but TRY to be the better person. Let the other know that you want the best for the children FIRST and that all other hard feelings between you two should be left in the privacy of a journal, professional counselor, a family member, pastor..etc etc. but NEVER in front of or directed at the children.

 

He Cheated on Me

There is not a feeling in the world that can compare to being cheated on. Infidelity is wrong no matter what the excuse. The last word the last sentence is “excuse”. Here is a list of commonly used excuses.

I was drunk
I was high
I was lonely
I was depressed
It just “happened”
I told them to stop but…

Ladies and gentlemen, an excuse is just that…IT IS AN EXCUSE. It is a fraudulent way of trying to explain the simple fact that you were stupid. I know that sounds harsh but we are adults. We make adult decisions. We can choose what we do 100% of the time and its called free will. Most infidelity happens for the simple explanation of “I wanted to and I didn’t think I would get caught”.

I am not trying to over simplify, I am merely being brutally honest. How many people out there have heard the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater”. I look at it like this; until the cheater knows in their heart that it is wrong they will do it again. See if this sounds familiar. A man falls in love with a woman. He loves her and they seriously date.

Down the road, the man is presented with sex from an outside source and accepts. He doesn’t get caught but karma ( what comes around goes around) presents itself to the relationship. Let’s assume 9 months after the cheating occurred, he falls even deeper in love with his woman. He has NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY…until he finds out that she cheated on him with a co-worker. He is mortified…he yells, he screams, he calls her names and threatens the other guy. It’s too late. She has already fallen in love and he is left licking his wounds as he is left with the sinking feeling of guilt as the phrase “What is good for the goose is good for the gander” rings in not only his head…but his heart. DON’T DO IT!!

Men are not the ONLY cheaters. Women can be JUST as guilty. The same circumstance described above also applies to both sexes. No exceptions. If you are not happy in your current relationship, leave. There is no need to let someone lose all trust in you and your ability to be trusted in the future.

 

Walking Away

In any situation, you always have to look out for you. It can be one of the hardest things ever to do. We want to give the other partner the benefit of the doubt. To all the woman out there…..never trust a man that talks. Let him be a man and show you. People that say they will change, yet do nothing are just trying to buy time. Real men DO…others talk. Learn that if someone loves you, they will do what is necessary for the relationship to work FOR BOTH PARTIES involved.

No one ever said love was easy. Do you self a favor and have high standards. If you lower them and you settle, it’s your own fault. I am a realist. I was hurt just like so many of us have been. I am neither difference nor an exception to any rule. I do what is best for me. Does this mean I love my partner any less? Absolutely not…It just proves I love me more.

Life is an adventure to be lived and experienced with someone you love. If someone doesn’t want to share it with you, so be it. Take away the positive memories and learn to watch for the very things that separated you in the first place. Learn from your mistakes. Life is what you make it. Make the best of it…you can do it.

I wish you all the best…

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

If it was Meant to Be

http://www.theLoveLogic.com/forum

After days of not speaking to one another the silence is broken as the phone begins to ring. With each ring your heart starts to beat faster. You can feel the nerves in your stomach begin to tighten as the mind begins to slowly panic. “It’s her”, you silently tell yourself. After taking a deep breath, you slowly and cautiously answer the phone. “Hello….hey….I don’t want to fight anymore. I love you and –“ you begin but are cut off with the words you hoped and even prayed you would never hear. “So you are giving up on us? After three years you just want to give up? What about us? What about all the plans we made? ….I can change!! I know I can. If you would just listen a second….” The phone falls silent. All the memories of three years begin to flood your heart as the tears slowly begin to flood your eyes.

Regardless of how your breakup occurred it hurt. Sometimes there are those that let foolish pride stand in the way of love. The need to be right conflicts with logical reasoning which in turn makes things even worse. You are seen as selfish as well as unloving. Breakups are never easy. No matter how much time has transpired, the heart as well as ego hurt in unison. The feelings of not being attractive, wanted, needed or the idea that someone else has come along can weigh heavy in your heart. You start to over-analyze every word, every action, every time your ex came over late or was too tired to come over. You begin to think so much that you lose sleep. When you do end up in bed, your mind just won’t shut off. Your mind begins to think of all the good times together. You go over in detail how you met, the first time you kissed, the first time you made love, the trips; the holidays together…..the thoughts just won’t turn off.

Then you mind and heart digs deeper….

You begin to envision the last time they said they loved you. The thoughts of the late night promises and plans you made together begin to tear at you and your heart aches because of it. You try to convince yourself that they will be back. You assume they hurt just as much as you do. You hope they do. If you found out otherwise you would possibly feel worse than you already do right now. The nights seem to stretch for days. The mind is a funny thing, yet it can cause your body to react to things it assumes is the truth if you convince yourself otherwise. Time seems to stand still.

Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible but not because of lack of sleep but because your body is yelling “what’s the point”. If you do manage to get out of bed you typically find your morning thoughts to be of your ex. The thoughts begin to come slowly at first then they hit you all at once like a fist to the gut. Where do they come from? How do you make them stop? What are they doing? What are they thinking? Do they miss me? Are the coming back? What did this happen? Do they still love me? Do they see a chance down the road for us to get back together? Are they ok? Should I call to make sure they are alright? There are millions of questions you don’t have answers to and the assumptions start to kick in after days of silence. When one starts to assume, you make terrible, regrettable mistakes. When the simple trust could be that they just fell out of love with you yet you assume it was because of something you did or didn’t do, you begin to panic. You start to believe if they left you because you did or said something or maybe had a small argument that you could possibly apologize and have them back in your arms in no time. A sense of peace may calm your nerves for a short while yet it is short lived when the harsh reality of being alone sinks in.

The idea of your ex knocking on your door and throwing themselves at you in a moment of uncontrolled love is idealistic but not viable. It may work in the movies but not in reality. The more you assume you ex will do something such as call, write, text, email or come over; the more you will be setting yourself up for disappointment in the end. Sure they might call, but when? Is there a time limit? Is there a common knowledge or proper protocol that ex’s MUST follow in order to appease their ex lover? I think not. The more you expect something if ANYTHING from you ex, the more you will be waiting for something that may never come to be. Just because you wait doesn’t mean it will come to you. For example, you might want be a CEO of a Fortune 400 company but if you do NOTHING to achieve your goal, what is the probability of it becoming a reality? We cannot predict what others will do, say or feel. The more we assume, the more we do not know the truth. The more we do not know the truth the more we panic. The more we panic the more mistakes we make when it comes to ended relationships.

The thought that someone else could come along and reap the benefits of our hard work can be devastating. All of our time, love and future plans together destroyed in seconds can get the best of us if we let it. How can they be doing this to us? The truth be told is that they didn’t do anything to you, they did it to themselves. Even if your partner cheated on you, they did it to themselves and you are collateral damage. The more you give your ex power, the more you will not be living your life. If you wait for your ex to “do” something such as contact you or ask you out, you will be in a holding pattern. You will jump when the phone rings or possibly stay home in case they drop by or get online to chat. Why would you want to put your life on hold for someone that just walked out on you? If someone left you why on earth would you wait and see what happens? It’s because we hold on to what once was and the way they WERE when they were with us. We hold on to the love that ONCE was. We hope and pray that they somehow change their minds and run into our arms once again. Sure this happens in the movies and on rare occasions it does happen in reality but not without time and more importantly change.

How do we change? Why should we change? Do people really change in order to be loved by another? I guess it really depends on the logic behind the word change. If you assume that someone will love you just because you do this or look a certain way or believe this or that, how is this any part of love? To give up your own self-respect in order to be loved by another with conditions, is absurd. Love is patient, love is kind I say. I often use the phrase “See me , love me or F- off” All I mean by this harsh use of the English language is that I don’t have time to settle for those that refuse to give me the love and respect I deserve. I have found that in my 38 years that there are those that enjoy the power that you give them in order to manipulate. When someone knows for a fact that you will “always be there” how can they miss you? How can someone miss what is always there? The mystery is gone. It would be like running downstairs Christmas morning to find EVERY PRESENT unwrapped. Sure they are gifts but the excitement is the guessing or mystery of what it is. Relationships are NOT GAMES. There are so many that believe “If I DO this…they they will DO this.” If you “change” who you are and show them you have changed, you might expect them to love you because you DID what they asked you to do. I disagree with this 100%. I believe in compromise. Now in all honesty, years ago I was a marionette in my ex’s hand. She could say or do anything and I would not want to upset her. How foolish of me looking back but I learn from it in a HARSH way.

People love you because of the way they feel when they are with you. If you present yourself in the beginning of the relationship of something you aren’t then they are going to expect the person you’re not all the time. When we begin to date, we are on our best behavior. We tend to over-do it a little. The phone calls, the up until 2am conversations, the walks, the hand holding and the “Whatever you want is fine” line. As time passes and the chase is over, the need to impress is not longer a factor at least maybe in your eyes. Since I am writing this from a male point of view you can understand that men get lazy. I am not afraid to say it because I have been guilty of this myself in years past. When this happens, the masks as I call them come off. You show your true self. You present yourself as YOU rather than the person you wanted them to think you were. This is NOT always the case. There are times when people are who they are. How do you know the difference? Actions speak louder than words.

There are some out there in the world today that believe their ex owes them something after a break. I am not referring to money (this time). They have this false idea that just because they spent their time, love, affection and respect for someone that they magically assume that they are owed. What exactly they think they deserve is beyond me. For those foolish enough to think an ex owes you anything (unless we are talking money) you are only fooling yourself. If you worked in a company for 10 years and you were fired because you lacked on your performance for the past 2 years, does the company ask you what they owe you? Do they ask you what it is you need in because of tenure? I think not. Why would someone owe you? If you have this sense of entitlement, you’re not being loving you are looking for someone to respect you that has just rejected you. I suggest you get off your power trip because the person you want to respect you just walked out on you. That is a harsh reality to face but you can’t get blood from a turnip either.

After a break, you tend to badger your friends over and over. We have all been there. We ask our friends rhetorical questions and expect answers. We tend to say the same thing over and over yet we are mostly presented with this answer: “If it was mean to be..” What kind of answer is that? That isn’t an answer; it’s an open ended comment. Of course if it was meant to be it will be! It’s not that it doesn’t fit in this particular situation, it’s that it is over used and cliché’. When someone leaves you, there is a reason or reasons they did. You cannot fix THEIR problems or why they walked out on you. If you have the notion that you should “be there for them” you are only waiting to wait. Heaven forbid if you turn it around and look at it from a natural point of view and ask “Would they be there for me?” If you hesitate for two seconds, the answer is maybe. Who wants a maybe? I want a yes. I am the type of guy that loves a guarantee. YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM. They have to do this themselves. If you expect them to do it for you, you AGAIN are fooling yourself. In order for someone to change, they have to WANT to change without the pressure of “Change or I will abandon you.” Natural occurring change happens over time, not day; not weeks. People do not change despite what they tell you. They change naturally because they see what it is they need to improve about themselves, NOT because you told them to. If you allow someone back in your life that says they have changed, looks like they have changed but hasn’t…you will be right back where you started soon enough. Don’t give people credit until they earn it.

The more you use the word ‘they’, ‘she’ or ‘he’ the more you are pushing your thoughts and actions towards what it is your EX needs, wants and desires. In reality, you are putting your needs aside in hopes of winning someone back. When did you start considering your ex a prize? When did you STOP considering yourself a prize? If you feel gifts or rings are a way of winning someone back, again you are only fooling yourself. In panic mode, we believe we have to DO something in order to stop them from NOT loving us. For some odd reason we believe their love is like an hourglass full of sand that keeps slowly dwindling over time. If we don’t stop it, their love for us will be over never to be seen again. Let me be honest with you…WRONG! WRONG!! This is your heart thinking. It is not intended to think. It’s to live and love. Your brain is meant to reason and think. USE IT! True love never dies but it can change rolls. You cannot stop the process of love changing rolls but you CAN CHANGE MAKING FOOLISH MISTAKES. Take time to let go of the panic. If it sets in again, do NOTHING. If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong. There is nothing worse than hearing from an ex about how much of a jerk you are when you are at home wishing desperately that they would come back. If you make mistakes, it’s fine but remember, the MORE mistakes you make, the worse you will feel. Also remember more mistakes means pushing your ex further and further away. Why justify your ex for breaking up with you? Don’t do it. You have been warned.

Despite our greatest effort, despite our love for our past, despite our want to reconcile, we have to realize that it’s not just up to us. It takes two WILL partners to make it work. Use your head and think about what it is you truly want and need. You are not foolish. You are someone that deserves to be loved despite ONE PERSON not loving the way you planned. Take that nonsense away and learn that you need to learn to respect yourself before you expect it from others. If you don’t love and respect yourself, how can you expect others to? If they walk away, they take the respect and love with them leaving you empty and wanting it back. Try to cope with feelings you may be experiencing right now. I know it’s difficult. I have been there. I know exactly what it is you might be going through but it does get better if you WANT it to. You have to decide to wait around for something they may never happen or take the chance. No one is to blame but you if you wait and nothing comes of it. I chose to move forward. I use the attitude of “If you want me bad enough you will follow me.” I have never looked back and nor will I. I choose to live my life the way I see fit. I make my own decisions. I make my own choices and know that in the long run I never settled for anything less. I hope you can find the courage and strength within yourself to take my words and push yourself forward. There is greatness inside you that cannot be stopped. Just because someone walked out of your life doesn’t mean someone greater won’t walk in. Let go of the anger, the sadness and hurt. Give it to God or your higher power. Learn that all things happen for a reason.

If it was meant to be….the MAKE IT BE BECAUSE YOU MADE YOU BE.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

After the Love Has Gone

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Memories of a time that you were happiest with someone that is no longer a part of your life can you like a knife if you let them. You may sit and ask yourself in silence “What did I do?” or “What can I do to get them back?” The emotions and thoughts of yesterday only make your head spin and your heart ache even more as you attempt to start picking up the pieces that was once your heart not knowing where or how to begin. You are not alone. Heart break is nothing new and the disappointment it brings. I want to give you a few personal tips that helped me years ago that might help you on your quest to get yourself back together. No matter what, realize that you are going to be ok and also know that it takes time in order to heal all wounds.

If a break is new, learn to accept it. I know this is difficult because we all have that idea of a hopeful reconciliation soon after a break. We tend to convince ourselves that “They just need time” or “All I need to do is <fill in the blank> and that will prove that I love them”. If you have ever had these thoughts, I caution you in not putting these thoughts into actions. Desperate attempts at getting back a loved one soon after a breakup are seen as just that. So many out there get so overwhelmed with guilt, desperation, abandonment and even worse, feelings of not being good enough that they begin to build a wall of desperation that pushes the ideas of contacting and “all I have to do it talk to them and convince them I love them”. This is a huge misconception. Talking solves nothing. If you didn’t communicate while in the relationship, what makes you think your partner will listen now? You can chalk this one up as “a little too late”. Try to look at it through your partners eyes and NOT your own.

You might have been the most loving, giving and best listener on the planet yet they still walked out on you. What gives? How can someone that is 100% dedicated to the relationship STILL be dumped? In short, people change. You might have been perfect in your partner’s eyes but something inside them changed allowing them to feel differently about you. THIS is one of the most difficult things to accept because you start blaming yourself or trying to convince yourself you should have done more while in the relationship. Don’t be fooled. Men have a tendency to drain their wallets in order to show someone how much they love them or tend to go into panic mode in order to try and convince someone to come back. Crying will get you know where if trying to win someone back. You will only be seen as desperate and weak. It is better to accept the breakup and cope with the lonely feelings and long nights instead of justifying the breakup by proving to your ex that you are desperate and will not leave them alone. Think of it this way, if you breakup…walk away in order to keep you together. Don’t add fuel to the fire and prove to your ex that you are weak, needy, desperate, lonely, depressed or panicked. By walking away, you are giving the impression that you can handle anything. This is very difficult to do but by doing this, you are giving your ex exactly what they wanted which in turn is a loving act.

I know what you’re thinking? You are thinking “why do I have to walk away and be the tough one when I want them back?” Let me go ahead and answer this with another question. How can you convince someone that you love them by begging them back to you or annoying them to no end? You can’t. No matter the desperation you might be feeling on the frontend, you need to realize that because a break occurred you need to know the following:

1.) There was a problem somewhere in the relationship
2.) Though you thought it was perfect, your partner did not
3.) This breakup could have been in the works for weeks or maybe months
4.) You cannot convince someone you love them by talking
5.) Relationship problems take time and effort by BOTH WILLING partners

If you can understand these concepts from the beginning or if you are reading this now and realize you have made some common mistakes, the next logical step is to stop doing what you think they want you to do. In other words, and I have said it before, stop thinking with your heart and use your brain instead. Breakups are hard. You might have been though years together that were incredible while you were together but the more you try and live in the past (saying things like “we were perfect together”) only stops the healing process because you are living in past feelings and not current feelings. If you remain in the past, your present and future will ONLY stay in the past.

You might be so used to the love, the affection, the phone calls, the emails and text messages that once it stops (and sometimes without warning) you tend to feel lost. We have all been there. Imagine your life tomorrow without television, the Internet, radio or cell phones. We are so used to these items we tend to take their existence for granted. Relationships can be the same way. All routine can get boring after a while. Instead of fighting to get back what you hard right now, learn to relax and think things through BUT DO NOT OVER-THINK. The difference is if you start using the term “They” instead of “I” you will still be thinking and trying to convince yourself that you are still in a relationship. Let me be clear on something, the moment someone breakup with you, you are officially single BUT…now read this part very carefully, your partner has lost all exclusive rights to you but you must give them the same benefit. You cannot pretend that you can still openly communicate just because in the past you were used to it.

For example:

If you have ever been let go from a job, do you show up the next day and pretend you still work there and have access to all the business resources? Of course you don’t. Why would you pretend everything was ok when it wasn’t after a breakup? The same common sense applies.

Being alone after a break can be a very humbling experience. All the thoughts that go through your head as well as all the memories you go over and over again. Sometimes the mind can get the best of you because you start to conjure up thoughts of what your ex is doing and possible who they are doing is with. The best strategy on this issue is go with what you know is a FACT not an assumption. Just because someone breaks up with you does not mean they have already met someone. Those that do find out their ex is dating soon after a break means one of two things:

1.) They were in the wings while you both were together
2.) Rebound in order NOT to deal with their current feelings

Regardless of what they are doing, our goal is to get YOU back together. I know it’s difficult in a cyber-age NOT to check the social groups or view the pictures they upload what let me ask you this? What does viewing their profile accomplish? That you are a cyber-stalker? Maybe it is that you have to know the truth if they are dating someone new? Maybe is it you want to look at their status and pray that they are just as miserable as you are? Again, this has NOTHING to do with you. Right now you are single and have lost the right to such information. If you have these urges, you are still convinced that you have rights to your ex and this only delays your progress in getting yourself back together.

Do you realize that the first step is getting back together is getting yourself back together? You heart has been wounded as well as your pride and self-esteem. You need time to take all this information in and learn from it. After a heart surgery, do you get off the table and go to work the very next day? Absolutely not! You need to heal and recuperate after such an operation. Regardless, heartaches are the same. In order to move forward and start to let go of your past with your ex, you need to understand that by working on yourself and not focusing on your ex, you are slowing growing stronger every day. The more you tend to focus on anything BUT yourself; you will not begin the slow process of healing. I urge you to take the time and learn from your past. You can’t change it. You can only move forward and learn from it. Do your best NOT to live in your past but only reflect on it.

Blaming yourself for a breakup is not the answer. Why give yourself the extra burden of trying to cope with a breakup by blaming yourself? Blaming solves nothing let alone carrying the burden all by yourself on your shoulders. Just because someone threw in the towel doesn’t mean you are worthless. If you feel that you are not good enough to love or who would want to love you just because of your current feelings, it’s natural to feel this way AT FIRST but NOT NATURAL to constantly feel this way. You are not a piece of trash nor are you worthless. People change and so does the love they have for one another. We are human. We tend to focus on the NOW. We are so used to high-speed access that we want and demand answers now. When no answers can be found, we tend to hypothesize about what we WANT to believe rather than wait on the truth.

For example:

Going to someone’s social networking page and seeing them happy with friends in a current photo days after the breakup means that they must be happy to be rid of you right? Wrong! You have NO IDEA what they are feeling and just because a picture sees a smile, how many cameras can take a picture of a broken heart? The idea that you EXPECT your ex to be sad and broken hearted just because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s the truth nor should you expect it.

The more you assume your ex will be locked in at home sobbing and wanting you back is your way of making yourself feel better about you. In retrospect, you are HOPING they feel this way because the more sad and upset they are, it must mean they really do care and love you. Put this in that thick skull of yours, just because someone doesn’t show it in tears and depressions DOESN’T mean they don’t love you or care for you. Let those thoughts right out the window. The secret is not to believe they feel the same as you just because you shared the same relationship together. This is one of the toughest things to remember especially when your heart doesn’t want to give up.

To expect an ex to come crawling back or want to see you soon after a break is foolish. There is no time limit on getting back together if it is even possible. People have to change because they want to NOT because they are TOLD to. Just because an ex comes to you and tells you the things that they wish were different doesn’t mean that if you change they will love you again. The idea of changing in order to be loved by someone else is desperation on your part. By having thoughts like this you are NOT you. The difference in this theory is that by loving someone, you listen with your ears and your heart. Most people will tell you exactly what it is they don’t like about your actions or words. If you don’t change when they bring it to your attention, it will only make it that more difficult to convince them in the future. Take time in order to get yourself back to the new you. Now notice I did not say the OLD you. In my book, you need to learn from the OLD you in order to become the new you.

It takes time to get to the point where you can start thinking about yourself more than your ex. It may seem like an eternity but I promise you when thoughts of your ex creep in, push them out and tell yourself that you will think of the later. The way I see things is if it doesn’t benefit you in a POSITIVE way, let it go. Why focus on the negative when being positive is 10000% more potent? By learning from your breakup and not feeling sorry for yourself or taking responsibility the break you will be slowly be learning to let go one day at a time. Remember that letting go does mean for ever. Letting go allows both parties involved in the break to have the time and space they need to possibly let the ember of love grow into a flame once again. Just because you can’t see or feel their love, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

People ask me all the time about contact. The way I see it is that if you have business to attend to ( bills, belongings, children involved, etc) then by all means communicate BUT do not take business as an opportunity to plead your case. Take care of the business and let it go. The more contact you make with your ex, the more opportunity you have to make mistakes. If you do nothing, then nothing can go wrong. If your ex contacts you, don’t be so hasty to answer the phone, email or text. The reasoning is they are USED to you responding. By not responding they begin to see maybe they lost that right when they left you. As long as business is taken care of any attempt at communication should be VERY limited. How can you miss what is always there? You can’t! The way I see it is that by creating space and working on yourself and not letting thoughts of the past or your ex and what they are doing interfere with your progress, you are well on your way to healing much faster than if you let memories of yesterday interfere with today. Take it one day at a time. Take my word for it; the sun will shine on you again. The smiles that left your lips will once again show in the eyes of friends, family and coworkers. Have faith in yourself and don’t let anything stand your way.

I wish you peace, love and hope

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

Sometimes the Truth Hurts

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We often assume that just because we have been in an intimate relationship for any length of time that the other partner owes us something when things take a turn for the worse. No matter how much you hurt or want them back, you feel cheated when they refuse to give you the answers you need. We all have our reasons for closure yet some of us never get the closure we need and others refuse to face the truth that the relationship is really over.

I will be the first to tell you that hearing the phrase “we need to talk” usually sends goose-flesh up and down my spine just because of the pretence of what it usually means. I can mentally rub the walls of my heart and feel the scars each love that left made and I can often recall how I felt when they ended it. I have heard them all:

1. “It’s not you, it’s me”
2. “I think we should see other people”
3. “We are just not compatible”
4. “I met someone else”
5. “I don’t love you anymore”
6. “I’m just not happy”
7. “I just don’t want to be In a relationship anymore”
8. “I need some space”
9. “We should just be friends”
10. “I love you like a brother”

After a while you begin to wonder what you’ve done right or was there anything you did that was good while you were together. Just to be clear and honest, I take responsibility for my part of any failed relationship but I refuse to ever blame myself. What does blaming do? Does it change your current situation? No. Does it make you look any better in the eyes of your ex? No. Does it make you feel instantly better? No.

What I have discovered in my experience is that I just want the truth. I don’t care for excuses. I don’t want someone to beat around the bush. I don’t want someone to treat me badly in order for me to break up with them so they don’t have to feel guilty. I don’t want someone to tell me anything about my partner and what they did or had been doing. I only want the truth. I will be the first to tell you, the honest truth can be more painful than the separation or break itself. For instance, who wants to hear that their partner was out kissing someone else while you were out with friends? Who wants to hear that your partner is secretly seeing someone else while you work at night? Who wants to hear that when you were out of town on business, your partner slept with someone else in your own bed? OUCH! Please keep in mind, these are only examples but we have all heard or possibly have our own horror stories. Why do we tend to feel so horrible when we hear the truth and why is it other just plain refuse to hear the truth?

Let’s dig a little deeper shall we…

The Truth and Nothing But the Truth

Have any of your old partners ever been 100% honest with you when it came to breaking up? I have and I cannot tell you how much I respected them then and now. I may not have liked what they had to hear but I was man enough to take it and I got over it much faster and even thanked them after time passed. Closure is getting the truth; nothing more, nothing less. When partners seek closure they want to know exactly why the other wants to break and how they came to such a conclusion. Sometimes people don’t know what they want so they break it off with a partner just because if they don’t know what they want how can they know they want to be in a relationship? I have been foolish enough to take someone’s words like “We need space” and respect their wishes as they are out sleeping around with someone who was in the shadows for weeks before the separation. Here I was thinking I will give them the time they need out of my love for them and they ended up stabbing me in the back and heart at the same time.

When someone tells you it’s over, the best thing to do it accept it. The sooner you do, the sooner you will start to feel better. I didn’t say this was an easy process but I take people words as what they mean. I have been the poster child of “You don’t really mean it do you”? way too many times in my life to not believe what they say. The sooner you learn to accept it is over, the sooner you will begin the healing process. Back up for one second and read that last line again. I stated the sooner you will begin the healing process but I refuse to say how long it will take. No one knows the answer to this but you. I guess you can look at it like a cut. The sooner you disinfect it and cover it with a bandage, the sooner it will heal. The more you don’t take care of it, the longer it will take and the more possibility of a noticeable scar.

There are no “What if’s” in this equation. The more you try and give credit to someone after they told you it was over, the longer you will sit around waiting for them to come back to you. Do you like to wait? Ever waited in a long line? Ever waited to board a plane? Ever waited for concert tickets? No one likes to wait but we do because we have to in order to take care of business. I know what you’re thinking. You want to tell me “Good things come to those who wait” and I concur. But waiting for someone who ISN’T waiting for you is just PLAIN FOOLISH.

No one said this would be easy. Healing is a gradual process but the key is knowing you will eventually feel better if you want to. Sitting around moping is not going to speed your recovery. Thinking your ex is waiting by the phone for you to call is you trying to visualize what it is your heart wants. You are hoping they are wanting you back but you don’t know so you choose to think about it or “wish” it. I wish I was a millionaire and I can wish it all I want but probability says it will not come true if I merely “wish” it too happen and do nothing. The same applies for healing. If you want to heal yet do nothing to help yourself, why would you expect your heat to heal any faster?

The bottom line is we all want to feel loved and respected. If someone says it’s over, then try and understand that this is for the best regardless of what it is you want. Why try to convince someone that they are making a mistake when they don’t see it they way you do? Why beg and plead for someone to stay when their heart has already packed up and walked out the door? Begging, pleading, crying, stalking, texting, emailing constantly is not going to make someone’s heart comes back. You are going to make yourself seem childish, less mature and possibly show your ex that they are doing the right thing but leaving you. Don’t do it.

Refusing Not to Accept the Truth

I hate to admit it but I am somewhat of an expert in this area. For years I assumed I was the perfect catch. Not in an arrogant way but I thought I had it all figured out. I was respectable, loving, kind, gentle, giving, honest and trustworthy. What took me the hardest time to realize is that when someone treats you exactly how you want to be treated and makes you happy but DOESN’T MEAN THEY WILL LOVE AND STAY WITH YOU. I had a horrible time seeing things from other people’s perspective. I was a great listener but what I mean is I thought if I gave 100% of me to someone they would want to stay and give me 100% right back. THIS was not the case. This was a hard lesson for me back in my younger days because I thought I was doing exactly what they wanted me to do. When someone tells you it’s over, you tend to want to try harder than to give up.

I would often tell myself, “I love this girl and I am going to fight harder to keep her”. Oh the agony! I would cater to my ex’s, buy them expensive gifts, flowers at work, write songs, mix CD’s or whatever else came to mind. What I did not realize is that I was making things worse. I assumed my gestures of love would SHOW or DEMONSTRATE my love for them when the truth be told, it was making me look desperate and needy. After years of doing this with several women, I got the hint. If you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result…well you get the idea.

The more we use our hearts to think, the more we get in trouble. I choose to never assume what someone is thinking. I ask unless they tell me. If they said they loved me then I would assume they did BUT I would expect actions to back it up. Why is it when people say it’s over that some just can’t accept it? “Oh they didn’t mean it. We are perfect for each other” they would tend to say. WRONG! You are assuming from YOUR point of view and not theirs. I would often believe my ex was sitting at home thinking of me. I had never been so horribly wrong. My ex said and did two things.

1. Said it was over
2. She left

Now I know this sounds a bit elementary but when your heart is involved it gets rather complicated if you let it. Why would I have assumed she was thinking of me or wanting to get back together in the above example? The answer is BECAUSE I WANTED HER TO WANT ME BACK.

The sooner I took her words and actions to be the truth, the sooner I always got back on my feet. We can hope for the best all we want but the way I see it is that is someone wants you badly enough, they will do anything to have you. The more we wait and wait and wait for an ex to come back, the longer the imaginary line gets. You will wait and wait. You might even wait so long that your ex is now dating, engaged or even married. Have you ever waited so long that you find out your ex is married and has kids? Why was it that you finally stopped waiting? What made you realize that they moved on possibly weeks before they broke it off with you? It has to do with being honest with yourself. It’s not easy getting over someone but you can do it. Realize that all things happen for a reason. You may not know what it is at the moment but I promise down the road you will understand.

The key to healing is you. You are responsible for your own thoughts, actions and feelings. There isn’t a drug in the world that can take away the memories of your past. You can’t turn love off like a light switch, it merely changes roles. Be grateful that you have felt love and even the heartache though difficult. Learn from your mistakes. Learn that no matter what that life keeps on moving forward. It doesn’t have to do with blaming your current situation on life giving you a unfair shake. It has to do with what you do with the circumstances that life throws at you. You are an extraordinary person. Live your life like there is no tomorrow.

-SuperDave71