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I have been reading posts left and right trying to give as much positive advice I can to try to help those that right now are having a tough time with break-ups. I know the feelings inside are devistating as well as not being able to turn off the images in your head and of course that feeling of your heart hurting as it pounds out of your chest.
Depression can rob you of sleep, appetite, thinking clearly, making mistakes, and you could possibly start to feel as if you are worthless. Nothing could be further from the truth. First of all…ya have me. I am here and of course you have an army of people all over the world who are on your side and are willing to help you anyway we can whether it be advice, posting comments, or just a simple hello can sometimes make a big difference in someone’s life.
I am a very firm believer of NC. When I say NC…I mean COMPLETE NC. NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.
If you have been dumped it is typically about the following:
1. Arguing to much
2. Maturity level (to young for a serious relationship)
3. Someone else came along
4. “Need Space”
5. An ex came BACK in the picture
7. Someone cheated on you or vice versa
8. You were not what they hoped for in the first place.
I am sure there are several more but I wanted a quick list.
When an ex breaks up with you, what are they initially saying? They are saying I do not want to date you anymore. They are telling you THEIR rules. They are telling you sometimes “We can still be friends”. I agree with this last statement BUT only after a certain amount of time has been given. How much time? You can determine this time by asking yourself this question. “Could I handle seeing my ex with someone new?” If not….wait..if so, you’re going to be fine.
My idea of NC is give the ex EXACTLY what they asked for. They want to breakup…no problem. You’re not playing a game. You are not worth dating anymore but we can still hang out? What is THAT about!
You need to stand up for yourself (even though it hurts so much) an realize you are somone that deserves respect and if you don’t want to love me or even if you say love me…its by YOUR rules not mine. That is a selfish love. Saying you love someone and showing no love is cruel. It sets expectation on those who NOW expect to BE loved.
Give them what they asked for NOT what they want. You may not like the idea of NC. I understand that feeling. I know the feelin in your stomach that makes you want call them or just hear their voice. I have been there. I am an advocate AGAINST the common mistakes because I have done them all.
Everyone situation is different. There is no magic formula for success but you can increase your odds with an ex ONLY after you get yourself together. Calling an ex begging to take you back is NOT SEXY…it is not the impression you want to give either. What IS attractive is self confidence. Pick your chin off the floor and stop moping around waiting for the phone to ring. Ever watched a pot of water boil…it never does unless you walk away. (Figure of speak- a watched pot never boils) This applies EXACTLY the same. When you learn to LET GO of the expectation of getting your ex back it is USUALLY the same time they walk back in your life.
If you hold a wet bar of soap too tightly, what happens? It slips out of your hand.
Think about the above analogy very carefully. If you hold on to your ex too tightly…
I am not however saying to forget your ex. I am saying to shift the gears in reverse and concentrate on YOU. YOU are the one that matters right now. The ball is in your court. Work out…take up a class, read a book, learn to cook..etc etc. Stop wasting valuable time sulking about something you have NO CONTROL over. You do have control over YOU.
If you obsess about your ex, what good comes from it? What does it do to make you feel better about yourself? Absolutely NOTHING. Let me make this perfectly clear, you may feel worthless or depressed but you need to get off your hiney and go to the mirror and look at youself and say “I deserve better, I am someone, You may not love me but I love myself and THAT is what matters.”
It’s ok to feel heartbroken and down. Those are typical feelings and are very natural and needed for the healing process to start. What is NOT natural is process this to go on for months, even years.
The question that I get the most is “How do I get my ex back”…as well as “How can NC get my lover back?”..
The answer is…
THERE IS NO ANSWER….. Several factors have to come into play for this to work. Love is a 1 in 4 chance. for example:
1. If I love you and you don’t love me – Won’t work
2. You love me and I don’t love you – Won’t work
3. We both do not love one another – Won’t work
4. We both love one another – Could work
Notice I did not say WILL work. It is possible to get an ex back. Absolutely. But sometimes there is resentment of hard feeling especially if they were with another while you were apart. It will take alot of mutual understanding and communication between both parties.
I got my ex back when I realized I didn’t need her. I finally realized that I could be happy with or wthout her and I SHOWED IT THROUGH NC.
The key is not TELLING SOMEONE “I think we should do NO CONTACT”…. JUST DO IT. CUT THEM OFF out of the blue. Wait until you are ready.
By doing this, you are DEMONSTRATING instead of TALKING.
Talk is cheap..we all know this. “I will change”…”It will be different”…. Talking right after a breakup is really NOT a good idea because someone is hurting (if not both parties) and things can be said that could hurt your future chances of opening the door again.
By following NC and working on yourself….simple enough “YOU HEAL” and become stronger. Learn from your mistakes…
Life is waaaaay to short to be upset or depressed. Now get up and BE SOMEBODY…BE SOMEBODY for the rest of your life.
You can get through this…I did and I am here if you need me.