After the Love Has Gone

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Memories of a time that you were happiest with someone that is no longer a part of your life can you like a knife if you let them. You may sit and ask yourself in silence “What did I do?” or “What can I do to get them back?” The emotions and thoughts of yesterday only make your head spin and your heart ache even more as you attempt to start picking up the pieces that was once your heart not knowing where or how to begin. You are not alone. Heart break is nothing new and the disappointment it brings. I want to give you a few personal tips that helped me years ago that might help you on your quest to get yourself back together. No matter what, realize that you are going to be ok and also know that it takes time in order to heal all wounds.

If a break is new, learn to accept it. I know this is difficult because we all have that idea of a hopeful reconciliation soon after a break. We tend to convince ourselves that “They just need time” or “All I need to do is <fill in the blank> and that will prove that I love them”. If you have ever had these thoughts, I caution you in not putting these thoughts into actions. Desperate attempts at getting back a loved one soon after a breakup are seen as just that. So many out there get so overwhelmed with guilt, desperation, abandonment and even worse, feelings of not being good enough that they begin to build a wall of desperation that pushes the ideas of contacting and “all I have to do it talk to them and convince them I love them”. This is a huge misconception. Talking solves nothing. If you didn’t communicate while in the relationship, what makes you think your partner will listen now? You can chalk this one up as “a little too late”. Try to look at it through your partners eyes and NOT your own.

You might have been the most loving, giving and best listener on the planet yet they still walked out on you. What gives? How can someone that is 100% dedicated to the relationship STILL be dumped? In short, people change. You might have been perfect in your partner’s eyes but something inside them changed allowing them to feel differently about you. THIS is one of the most difficult things to accept because you start blaming yourself or trying to convince yourself you should have done more while in the relationship. Don’t be fooled. Men have a tendency to drain their wallets in order to show someone how much they love them or tend to go into panic mode in order to try and convince someone to come back. Crying will get you know where if trying to win someone back. You will only be seen as desperate and weak. It is better to accept the breakup and cope with the lonely feelings and long nights instead of justifying the breakup by proving to your ex that you are desperate and will not leave them alone. Think of it this way, if you breakup…walk away in order to keep you together. Don’t add fuel to the fire and prove to your ex that you are weak, needy, desperate, lonely, depressed or panicked. By walking away, you are giving the impression that you can handle anything. This is very difficult to do but by doing this, you are giving your ex exactly what they wanted which in turn is a loving act.

I know what you’re thinking? You are thinking “why do I have to walk away and be the tough one when I want them back?” Let me go ahead and answer this with another question. How can you convince someone that you love them by begging them back to you or annoying them to no end? You can’t. No matter the desperation you might be feeling on the frontend, you need to realize that because a break occurred you need to know the following:

1.) There was a problem somewhere in the relationship
2.) Though you thought it was perfect, your partner did not
3.) This breakup could have been in the works for weeks or maybe months
4.) You cannot convince someone you love them by talking
5.) Relationship problems take time and effort by BOTH WILLING partners

If you can understand these concepts from the beginning or if you are reading this now and realize you have made some common mistakes, the next logical step is to stop doing what you think they want you to do. In other words, and I have said it before, stop thinking with your heart and use your brain instead. Breakups are hard. You might have been though years together that were incredible while you were together but the more you try and live in the past (saying things like “we were perfect together”) only stops the healing process because you are living in past feelings and not current feelings. If you remain in the past, your present and future will ONLY stay in the past.

You might be so used to the love, the affection, the phone calls, the emails and text messages that once it stops (and sometimes without warning) you tend to feel lost. We have all been there. Imagine your life tomorrow without television, the Internet, radio or cell phones. We are so used to these items we tend to take their existence for granted. Relationships can be the same way. All routine can get boring after a while. Instead of fighting to get back what you hard right now, learn to relax and think things through BUT DO NOT OVER-THINK. The difference is if you start using the term “They” instead of “I” you will still be thinking and trying to convince yourself that you are still in a relationship. Let me be clear on something, the moment someone breakup with you, you are officially single BUT…now read this part very carefully, your partner has lost all exclusive rights to you but you must give them the same benefit. You cannot pretend that you can still openly communicate just because in the past you were used to it.

For example:

If you have ever been let go from a job, do you show up the next day and pretend you still work there and have access to all the business resources? Of course you don’t. Why would you pretend everything was ok when it wasn’t after a breakup? The same common sense applies.

Being alone after a break can be a very humbling experience. All the thoughts that go through your head as well as all the memories you go over and over again. Sometimes the mind can get the best of you because you start to conjure up thoughts of what your ex is doing and possible who they are doing is with. The best strategy on this issue is go with what you know is a FACT not an assumption. Just because someone breaks up with you does not mean they have already met someone. Those that do find out their ex is dating soon after a break means one of two things:

1.) They were in the wings while you both were together
2.) Rebound in order NOT to deal with their current feelings

Regardless of what they are doing, our goal is to get YOU back together. I know it’s difficult in a cyber-age NOT to check the social groups or view the pictures they upload what let me ask you this? What does viewing their profile accomplish? That you are a cyber-stalker? Maybe it is that you have to know the truth if they are dating someone new? Maybe is it you want to look at their status and pray that they are just as miserable as you are? Again, this has NOTHING to do with you. Right now you are single and have lost the right to such information. If you have these urges, you are still convinced that you have rights to your ex and this only delays your progress in getting yourself back together.

Do you realize that the first step is getting back together is getting yourself back together? You heart has been wounded as well as your pride and self-esteem. You need time to take all this information in and learn from it. After a heart surgery, do you get off the table and go to work the very next day? Absolutely not! You need to heal and recuperate after such an operation. Regardless, heartaches are the same. In order to move forward and start to let go of your past with your ex, you need to understand that by working on yourself and not focusing on your ex, you are slowing growing stronger every day. The more you tend to focus on anything BUT yourself; you will not begin the slow process of healing. I urge you to take the time and learn from your past. You can’t change it. You can only move forward and learn from it. Do your best NOT to live in your past but only reflect on it.

Blaming yourself for a breakup is not the answer. Why give yourself the extra burden of trying to cope with a breakup by blaming yourself? Blaming solves nothing let alone carrying the burden all by yourself on your shoulders. Just because someone threw in the towel doesn’t mean you are worthless. If you feel that you are not good enough to love or who would want to love you just because of your current feelings, it’s natural to feel this way AT FIRST but NOT NATURAL to constantly feel this way. You are not a piece of trash nor are you worthless. People change and so does the love they have for one another. We are human. We tend to focus on the NOW. We are so used to high-speed access that we want and demand answers now. When no answers can be found, we tend to hypothesize about what we WANT to believe rather than wait on the truth.

For example:

Going to someone’s social networking page and seeing them happy with friends in a current photo days after the breakup means that they must be happy to be rid of you right? Wrong! You have NO IDEA what they are feeling and just because a picture sees a smile, how many cameras can take a picture of a broken heart? The idea that you EXPECT your ex to be sad and broken hearted just because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s the truth nor should you expect it.

The more you assume your ex will be locked in at home sobbing and wanting you back is your way of making yourself feel better about you. In retrospect, you are HOPING they feel this way because the more sad and upset they are, it must mean they really do care and love you. Put this in that thick skull of yours, just because someone doesn’t show it in tears and depressions DOESN’T mean they don’t love you or care for you. Let those thoughts right out the window. The secret is not to believe they feel the same as you just because you shared the same relationship together. This is one of the toughest things to remember especially when your heart doesn’t want to give up.

To expect an ex to come crawling back or want to see you soon after a break is foolish. There is no time limit on getting back together if it is even possible. People have to change because they want to NOT because they are TOLD to. Just because an ex comes to you and tells you the things that they wish were different doesn’t mean that if you change they will love you again. The idea of changing in order to be loved by someone else is desperation on your part. By having thoughts like this you are NOT you. The difference in this theory is that by loving someone, you listen with your ears and your heart. Most people will tell you exactly what it is they don’t like about your actions or words. If you don’t change when they bring it to your attention, it will only make it that more difficult to convince them in the future. Take time in order to get yourself back to the new you. Now notice I did not say the OLD you. In my book, you need to learn from the OLD you in order to become the new you.

It takes time to get to the point where you can start thinking about yourself more than your ex. It may seem like an eternity but I promise you when thoughts of your ex creep in, push them out and tell yourself that you will think of the later. The way I see things is if it doesn’t benefit you in a POSITIVE way, let it go. Why focus on the negative when being positive is 10000% more potent? By learning from your breakup and not feeling sorry for yourself or taking responsibility the break you will be slowly be learning to let go one day at a time. Remember that letting go does mean for ever. Letting go allows both parties involved in the break to have the time and space they need to possibly let the ember of love grow into a flame once again. Just because you can’t see or feel their love, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

People ask me all the time about contact. The way I see it is that if you have business to attend to ( bills, belongings, children involved, etc) then by all means communicate BUT do not take business as an opportunity to plead your case. Take care of the business and let it go. The more contact you make with your ex, the more opportunity you have to make mistakes. If you do nothing, then nothing can go wrong. If your ex contacts you, don’t be so hasty to answer the phone, email or text. The reasoning is they are USED to you responding. By not responding they begin to see maybe they lost that right when they left you. As long as business is taken care of any attempt at communication should be VERY limited. How can you miss what is always there? You can’t! The way I see it is that by creating space and working on yourself and not letting thoughts of the past or your ex and what they are doing interfere with your progress, you are well on your way to healing much faster than if you let memories of yesterday interfere with today. Take it one day at a time. Take my word for it; the sun will shine on you again. The smiles that left your lips will once again show in the eyes of friends, family and coworkers. Have faith in yourself and don’t let anything stand your way.

I wish you peace, love and hope

Your Friend,

SuperDave71