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It’s been over 8 months since your partner walked out of your life. The images of yesterday and the good times play in your head like a romantic comedy that didn’t have a happy ending…at least not yet. Food has lost its flavor. You can’t seem to focus on daily tasks because you can’t seem to turn off the thoughts of “why” and “are they coming back”. You have picked up the phone over a thousand times; you just need to hear their voice once more and to make sure they are ok. The thought of calling is scary enough but the thought of someone else answering convinces you to put the phone down every time. “Maybe they are waiting for me to call? If I don’t call, maybe they will think I don’t care? What if all I had to do was say I am sorry and that I will change.
They know I love them more than anything so maybe I should just…”
Does this scene strike a chord inside? How many times have we tried to convince ourselves that we need to “do” something in order to save a dead relationship? Though the breakup was tough, you both walked away and have refused to communicate despite the urges. The “what if’s” have been robbing you of sleep and day to day life so many time lately you can’t stand it any longer. The need for 100% closure is killing you softly inside because despite common sense telling you it’s over, you have to hear and see it for yourself.
Despite words, actions tell us most of what we need to know. If someone used to call you morning, afternoon and evening then suddenly stops without explanation, something is indeed wrong. Why did they suddenly stop? Why now? What did I do? What did I not do? Human nature forces us to look at ourselves first and ask the questions we are so familiar with over and over again. Sadly, we might end up trying to fix something that isn’t broken and end up pushing others further away in the process. Desperation can be a beast all its own. When we feel someone is pulling away, something inside tells us to “fix it”. How do we do this? We ‘over do’ what we might have always done while in the relationship or even worse, we end up doing things we never did before in order to make someone stay. Most of the time, we end up looking exactly like we NEVER intended; desperate, needy, clingy and weak.
How to you make someone stay in love? Is there a magic formula for keeping someone in love with you? What if you have given all of you to someone and they STILL lost interest? Do you try harder? Do you try to present yourself in a new light in order to look not only better in their eyes but their heart? I believe that love is an equal, two way street. If one starts to lose interest, you can’t patch it. It is 100% up to the individual. Situations vary of course but if you were both loving and giving yet the spark is beginning to fade, what can be done to salvage the already dying relationship? A fire will die without oxygen. How do we supply the needed “fix” in order to reassure someone to stay? The truth is nothing. I am basing this on a loving relationship between two partners and not a one-sided relationship that ended up being someone giving and someone taking the majority of the time.
Sometimes those that have taken advantage of a partner are more lost than those that haven’t because the needed supply of attention is gone. If you cut off the food supply, you starve the beast. It’s the same when it comes to selfish love. A one-sided or selfish relationship will perish when the one starved for love FINALLY realizes that the love is not here, nor has it been returned and are convinced to move on. This leaves the selfish partner acting desperate for attention and tries to convince the other to stay so they can “change”. It rarely happens and typically ends up being a “a little too late.” Crying wolf will never get you what you want because you should have been honest with who you were up front instead of dressing up in sheep’s clothing and being someone you could never be.
Why do we hang on after the love is gone? Why do we want to be dragged for miles though our past and end up hurting ourselves more than our partners ever did? The answer is that we are choosing to believe the one that just got away was “perfect” or in all fairness, perfect in your eyes. We will begin to see your partner as a vision of what we have always wanted instead of what they actually were. How many times after a breakup did you end up fanaticizing about your ex in ways you have never thought of while IN the relationship? Our heart puts the ex on a pedestal and in return, we end up hurting ourselves more because we know that “perfect love” is gone.
The more we give our ex partners the power of us (meaning we put them before ourselves) the more we will stay exactly where we are or end up hurting deeper than we had previously. To put someone before ourselves is not only dramatic but it starts to convince you that you don’t matter as much as someone else. Do you not matter in order to be loved by someone else?
There are so many that refuse to move on because they feel guilty for not caring about the ex. Months could pass yet the wounds are left wide open. With any wound left untreated, it starts to fester and cause more problems than the original cause. Why continue to throw salt on your OWN wound? You can love your ex from a distance but you need to understand that you control you. No one ever said you couldn’t love someone. You need to learn to put your needs first and love yourself. You do matter. You have always mattered and you don’t need someone to convince you otherwise. It’s not easy to get through a breakup. It takes time. How much time is different for everyone but if you want to feel better, you will.
To assume someone will come back into your life as you sit around and wait, would only postpone your heart from healing. I have often said “why wait for a train at the airport?”. The best advice I could give is to mourn your lost, don’t over analyze your situation, try and prevent your ex from being put on your pedestal and learn from the past in order to move forward. To constantly bombard friends and family about the same issue over and over again is only demonstrating your need to be TOLD that something may change. You want to hear someone say they are coming back in order to ease the pain in your heart. The truth is that no one knows. Time is your ally if you use it wisely. The more you waste time thinking about the past, the more you will STAY in the past. You will constantly make yourself feel worse because you can’t feel the love they once had for you in the present. You can’t feel their arms around you. You feel their soft lips on yours. You can’t feel them beside you when you sleep. You can’t see them look at you and smile from across the room. Why? Because they are NOT THERE. There is no way someone can turn off the feelings and thoughts of yesterday, but you can try to push them out of your head for now until you can come to grips with the break. The more you do not accept that the break is final, the more you will be in emotion limbo. It could take weeks or even months to accept but he sooner you try to move forward, the better off you will be.
No one can tell you HOW to get over someone because everyone is different. You will know when you are ready to move forward. Listen to your head and let it do the thinking for you. Don’t allow your heart to make logical decisions. It will serve no purpose. Learn by doing nothing, when those panicky feelings emerge, means that nothing can go wrong. Why do something and push someone further away than do nothing KNOWING you can do no wrong?
Letting go is not giving up. Letting go means that you are going to free your mind and heart from the burden of whatever is causing the worry. Why stress over something when you are in FULL control of you? I choose to live for today rather than looking at my life and thinking “the best is over”. The more you start to believe in you and your ability to feel better, the faster you will start. Think positive. Try and visualize yourself feeling better and smiling. The more you think positive, the more you will BE positive. It takes practice at first but soon it will become a habit. The more you practice a good habit that is positive, the better off you will become. Negativity attracts more negativity. Why would you want to purposely bring more pain and hurt your way? Let it go! You can do it. Don’t let temporary circumstances get you down when you have the rest of your life to feel better.
To quote the Shawshank Redemption
“Get busy living or get busy dying….damn right.”
Believe in yourself and your ability to feel better. No one can do this for you and you have the power within yourself to do anything you choose. Take responsibility for your own actions and let the universe deal with everything else.
Take care of yourself,
SuperDave71
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thelovelogic
This is such an excellent advice. Thank you SuperDave71