Subscribe in a reader

Sometimes it gets difficult to sit and write something so profound or helpful to those who have broken hearts. After all words are only words unless there is emotion attached to it. Too often we tend to see and dwell on the negative in our darkness that it’s hard to see or feel anything that would help us try and pick up the pieces that was once our heart.

Time heals all wounds but with all wounds, the scars are always there. When your heart is broken, it can grow back crooked and misshaped. Though the heart is healed, it can take on a new appearance or even learn to love less if you let it. A hardened heart can be one of the hardest things to let go of. There are times when not loving is easier because the risks of it breaking again are too great. Why try if it is only going to be broken again?

Let me ask you this…

Why try anything if the fear of failing is greater than the want to succeed? Sometimes hearts grow together and sometimes they just don’t fit. No matter how much we want them to, the glue never holds. No matter how much you give, you can’t make something love you back. What you must decide is if your partner is worth the fall? How do you know? The answer is, you don’t know. That’s the rub.

Love just doesn’t happen. You made a choice as well as your partner. Many do not realize that despite your greatest efforts, you can’t make someone love you back. You may have shared months or even years together but if the love isn’t there, what do you have? Companionship? You may try and fool yourself in believing that it’s better than being alone. If you have ever truly been in love, you know the difference. It cannot be mistaken because you get what you give back freely and openly. Love doesn’t have a time limit or an expiration date. Love is the greatest feeling in the universe. Without it, where would we be?

If you had to describe what love felt like to someone that has never been in love, how would you describe it? Sometimes you may hear he common descriptions such as butterflies in your stomach or feeling like nothing is wrong in the universe as you smile constantly and put that extra pep in your step. Love songs begin to take on new meaning and you can’t wait to see your partner, even for a moment. Holding hands with the one you love feels like a magnet. You naturally come together. You hand feels like its home and belongs in the other. Words don’t have to be spoken because the energy of just being with the one you love is enough. How many times have you seen an elderly couple holding hands and just “being”. They do it because of the love they share for one another. Love never ends.

If your heart has been broken, the bitterness can set and stay like wet concrete. If you let it harden, it will be difficult to remove. When love is lost, it’s not the pain that stays with you that hurts so much; it’s your heart wanting the love it had once back that is no longer there. The love IS there but not the form that you’re used to. Love, like a drug, can be addicting and when it is suddenly and unexpectedly taken away it hurts and the symptoms can be difficult to deal with. You can’t go to the doctor and say your heart is broken. There is no cure for a broken heart but time. How much time? ; As long as you need really. You are the one who will know when your heart is feeling better.

Walls can quickly be setup in order to protect an already fragile heart. You try and fool yourself into believing you can protect it. All it takes to tear down the walls is the right time, place and person. In all its greatness, your heart is exposed. Take the lessons learned from before and apply them in order to love with your head and heart.

Love can grow from a simple hello. A tiny spark can ignite into a raging fire if you don’t control it but such as the same with love. You can’t put limits on love and it isn’t controlled with an on and off switch. Someone may say that they don’t love you but what this primarily means is that they don’t love you the way you should be loved. The pain is still the same regardless but take some comfort in know that love hasn’t ended, it has merely changed form. Remember that a hardened or bitter heart doesn’t love as freely as one that is open. If you give or have given love with limits, you will get back exactly what you have given. Why should someone have to prove their love for you if you only give a small percentage?

Being in love is a risk BUT a risk worth taken even if short lived. The way I see it is that the experience alone is worth it despite the possible heartache. Why? Let me put it to you this way. I want you to remember what it felt like when you were in love. Can you remember the first time they kissed you? Can you remember the way you felt when they said they loved you and you loved them back? Can you remember how you felt when you were introduced as their boy/girlfriend? Can you remember the moments between seeing one another and how anxious you were to see them? Do you remember the hours on the phone together even though you spoke of nothing really important? Do you remember what it was like to fall asleep in one another’s arms?

Now take all of those feelings and throw them away. Take all the memories of someone you loved and try and throw them away like it never happened. The truth is, you can’t. Regardless of the downfall of your past relationships, the memories and experiences stick like glue. You may dare to venture in your dark closet of relationships young and old to gain knowledge or experience but learn to look in, find what you need and close the door. Don’t dwell in your past but learn from it. Though your heart may be broken, let time and life’s lessons be your band-aid. Don’t let your heart grow back crooked.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

↑ Grab this Headline Animator

 Subscribe in a reader

After days of not speaking to one another the silence is broken as the phone begins to ring. With each ring your heart starts to beat faster. You can feel the nerves in your stomach begin to tighten as the mind begins to slowly panic. “It’s her”, you silently tell yourself. After taking a deep breath, you slowly and cautiously answer the phone. “Hello….hey….I don’t want to fight anymore. I love you and –“ you begin but are cut off with the words you hoped and even prayed you would never hear. “So you are giving up on us? After three years you just want to give up? What about us? What about all the plans we made? ….I can change!! I know I can. If you would just listen a second….” The phone falls silent. All the memories of three years begin to flood your heart as the tears slowly begin to flood your eyes.

Regardless of how your breakup occurred it hurt. Sometimes there are those that let foolish pride stand in the way of love. The need to be right conflicts with logical reasoning which in turn makes things even worse. You are seen as selfish as well as unloving. Breakups are never easy. No matter how much time has transpired, the heart as well as ego hurt in unison. The feelings of not being attractive, wanted, needed or the idea that someone else has come along can weigh heavy in your heart. You start to over-analyze every word, every action, every time your ex came over late or was too tired to come over. You begin to think so much that you lose sleep. When you do end up in bed, your mind just won’t shut off. Your mind begins to think of all the good times together. You go over in detail how you met, the first time you kissed, the first time you made love, the trips; the holidays together…..the thoughts just won’t turn off.

Then you mind and heart dig deeper….

You begin to envision the last time they said they loved you. The thoughts of the late night promises and plans you made together begin to tear at you and your heart aches because of it. You try to convince yourself that they will be back. You assume they hurt just as much as you do. You hope they do. If you found out otherwise you would possibly feel worse than you already do right now. The nights seem to stretch for days. The mind is a funny thing, yet it can cause your body to react to things it assumes is the truth if you convince yourself otherwise. Time seems to stand still.

Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible but not because of lack of sleep but because your body is yelling “what’s the point”. If you do manage to get out of bed you typically find your morning thoughts to be of your ex. The thoughts begin to come slowly at first then they hit you all at once like a fist to the gut. Where do they come from? How do you make them stop? What are they doing? What are they thinking? Do they miss me? Are the coming back? What did this happen? Do they still love me? Do they see a chance down the road for us to get back together? Are they ok? Should I call to make sure they are alright? There are millions of questions you don’t have answers to and the assumptions start to kick in after days of silence. When one starts to assume, you make terrible, regrettable mistakes. When the simple trust could be that they just fell out of love with you yet you assume it was because of something you did or didn’t do, you begin to panic. You start to believe if they left you because you did or said something or maybe had a small argument that you could possibly apologize and have them back in your arms in no time. A sense of peace may calm your nerves for a short while yet it is short lived when the harsh reality of being alone sinks in.

The idea of your ex knocking on your door and throwing themselves at you in a moment of uncontrolled love is idealistic but not viable. It may work in the movies but not in reality. The more you assume you ex will do something such as call, write, text, email or come over; the more you will be setting yourself up for disappointment in the end. Sure they might call, but when? Is there a time limit? Is there a common knowledge or proper protocol that ex’s MUST follow in order to appease their ex lover? I think not. The more you expect something if ANYTHING from you ex, the more you will be waiting for something that may never come to be. Just because you wait doesn’t mean it will come to you. For example, you might want be a CEO of a Fortune 400 company but if you do NOTHING to achieve your goal, what is the probability of it becoming a reality? We cannot predict what others will do, say or feel. The more we assume, the more we do not know the truth. The more we do not know the truth the more we panic. The more we panic the more mistakes we make when it comes to ended relationships.

The thought that someone else could come along and reap the benefits of our hard work can be devastating. All of our time, love and future plans together destroyed in seconds can get the best of us if we let it. How can they be doing this to us? The truth be told is that they didn’t do anything to you, they did it to themselves. Even if your partner cheated on you, they did it to themselves and you are collateral damage. The more you give your ex power, the more you will not be living your life. If you wait for your ex to “do” something such as contact you or ask you out, you will be in a holding pattern. You will jump when the phone rings or possibly stay home in case they drop by or get online to chat. Why would you want to put your life on hold for someone that just walked out on you? If someone left you why on earth would you wait and see what happens? It’s because we hold on to what once was and the way they WERE when they were with us. We hold on to the love that ONCE was. We hope and pray that they somehow change their minds and run into our arms once again. Sure this happens in the movies and on rare occasions it does happen in reality but not without time and more importantly change.

How do we change? Why should we change? Do people really change in order to be loved by another? I guess it really depends on the logic behind the word change. If you assume that someone will love you just because you do this or look a certain way or believe this or that, how is this any part of love? To give up your own self-respect in order to be loved by another with conditions, is absurd. Love is patient, love is kind I say. I often use the phrase “See me , love me or F- off” All I mean by this harsh use of the English language is that I don’t have time to settle for those that refuse to give me the love and respect I deserve. I have found that in my 38 years that there are those that enjoy the power that you give them in order to manipulate. When someone knows for a fact that you will “always be there” how can they miss you? How can someone miss what is always there? The mystery is gone. It would be like running downstairs Christmas morning to find EVERY PRESENT unwrapped. Sure they are gifts but the excitement is the guessing or mystery of what it is. Relationships are NOT GAMES. There are so many that believe “If I DO this…they they will DO this.” If you “change” who you are and show them you have changed, you might expect them to love you because you DID what they asked you to do. I disagree with this 100%. I believe in compromise. Now in all honesty, years ago I was a marionette in my ex’s hand. She could say or do anything and I would not want to upset her. How foolish of me looking back but I learn from it in a HARSH way.

People love you because of the way they feel when they are with you. If you present yourself in the beginning of the relationship of something you aren’t then they are going to expect the person you’re not all the time. When we begin to date, we are on our best behavior. We tend to over-do it a little. The phone calls, the up until 2am conversations, the walks, the hand holding and the “Whatever you want is fine” line. As time passes and the chase is over, the need to impress is not longer a factor at least maybe in your eyes. Since I am writing this from a male point of view you can understand that men get lazy. I am not afraid to say it because I have been guilty of this myself in years past. When this happens, the masks as I call them come off. You show your true self. You present yourself as YOU rather than the person you wanted them to think you were. This is NOT always the case. There are times when people are who they are. How do you know the difference? Actions speak louder than words.

There are some out there in the world today that believe their ex owes them something after a break. I am not referring to money (this time). They have this false idea that just because they spent their time, love, affection and respect for someone that they magically assume that they are owed. What exactly they think they deserve is beyond me. For those foolish enough to think an ex owes you anything (unless we are talking money) you are only fooling yourself. If you worked in a company for 10 years and you were fired because you lacked on your performance for the past 2 years, does the company ask you what they owe you? Do they ask you what it is you need in because of tenure? I think not. Why would someone owe you? If you have this sense of entitlement, you’re not being loving you are looking for someone to respect you that has just rejected you. I suggest you get off your power trip because the person you want to respect you just walked out on you. That is a harsh reality to face but you can’t get blood from a turnip either.

After a break, you tend to badger your friends over and over. We have all been there. We ask our friends rhetorical questions and expect answers. We tend to say the same thing over and over yet we are mostly presented with this answer: “If it was mean to be..” What kind of answer is that? That isn’t an answer; it’s an open ended comment. Of course if it was meant to be it will be! It’s not that it doesn’t fit in this particular situation, it’s that it is over used and cliché’. When someone leaves you, there is a reason or reasons they did. You cannot fix THEIR problems or why they walked out on you. If you have the notion that you should “be there for them” you are only waiting to wait. Heaven forbid if you turn it around and look at it from a natural point of view and ask “Would they be there for me?” If you hesitate for two seconds, the answer is maybe. Who wants a maybe? I want a yes. I am the type of guy that loves a guarantee. YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM. They have to do this themselves. If you expect them to do it for you, you AGAIN are fooling yourself. In order for someone to change, they have to WANT to change without the pressure of “Change or I will abandon you.” Natural occurring change happens over time, not day; not weeks. People do not change despite what they tell you. They change naturally because they see what it is they need to improve about themselves, NOT because you told them to. If you allow someone back in your life that says they have changed, looks like they have changed but hasn’t…you will be right back where you started soon enough. Don’t give people credit until they earn it.

The more you use the word ‘they’, ‘she’ or ‘he’ the more you are pushing your thoughts and actions towards what it is your EX needs, wants and desires. In reality, you are putting your needs aside in hopes of winning someone back. When did you start considering your ex a prize? When did you STOP considering yourself a prize? If you feel gifts or rings are a way of winning someone back, again you are only fooling yourself. In panic mode, we believe we have to DO something in order to stop them from NOT loving us. For some odd reason we believe their love is like an hourglass full of sand that keeps slowly dwindling over time. If we don’t stop it, their love for us will be over never to be seen again. Let me be honest with you…WRONG! WRONG!! This is your heart thinking. It is not intended to think. It’s to live and love. Your brain is meant to reason and think. USE IT! True love never dies but it can change rolls. You cannot stop the process of love changing rolls but you CAN CHANGE MAKING FOOLISH MISTAKES. Take time to let go of the panic. If it sets in again, do NOTHING. If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong. There is nothing worse than hearing from an ex about how much of a jerk you are when you are at home wishing desperately that they would come back. If you make mistakes, it’s fine but remember, the MORE mistakes you make, the worse you will feel. Also remember more mistakes means pushing your ex further and further away. Why justify your ex for breaking up with you? Don’t do it. You have been warned.

Despite our greatest effort, despite our love for our past, despite our want to reconcile, we have to realize that it’s not just up to us. It takes two WILL partners to make it work. Use your head and think about what it is you truly want and need. You are not foolish. You are someone that deserves to be loved despite ONE PERSON not loving the way you planned. Take that nonsense away and learn that you need to learn to respect yourself before you expect it from others. If you don’t love and respect yourself, how can you expect others to? If they walk away, they take the respect and love with them leaving you empty and wanting it back. Try to cope with feelings you may be experiencing right now. I know it’s difficult. I have been there. I know exactly what it is you might be going through but it does get better if you WANT it to. You have to decide to wait around for something they may never happen or take the chance. No one is to blame but you if you wait and nothing comes of it. I chose to move forward. I use the attitude of “If you want me bad enough you will follow me.” I have never looked back and nor will I. I choose to live my life the way I see fit. I make my own decisions. I make my own choices and know that in the long run I never settled for anything less. I hope you can find the courage and strength within yourself to take my words and push yourself forward. There is greatness inside you that cannot be stopped. Just because someone walked out of your life doesn’t mean someone greater won’t walk in. Let go of the anger, the sadness and hurt. Give it to God or your higher power. Learn that all things happen for a reason.

If it was meant to be….the MAKE IT BE BECAUSE YOU MADE YOU BE.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

 Subscribe in a reader

Come join us at: http://www.theLoveLogic.com/forum

It’s been over 8 months since your partner walked out of your life. The images of yesterday and the good times play in your head like a romantic comedy that didn’t have a happy ending…at least not yet. Food has lost its flavor. You can’t seem to focus on daily tasks because you can’t seem to turn off the thoughts of “why” and “are they coming back”. You have picked up the phone over a thousand times; you just need to hear their voice once more and to make sure they are ok. The thought of calling is scary enough but the thought of someone else answering convinces you to put the phone down every time. “Maybe they are waiting for me to call? If I don’t call, maybe they will think I don’t care? What if all I had to do was say I am sorry and that I will change.

They know I love them more than anything so maybe I should just…”

Does this scene strike a chord inside? How many times have we tried to convince ourselves that we need to “do” something in order to save a dead relationship? Though the breakup was tough, you both walked away and have refused to communicate despite the urges. The “what if’s” have been robbing you of sleep and day to day life so many time lately you can’t stand it any longer. The need for 100% closure is killing you softly inside because despite common sense telling you it’s over, you have to hear and see it for yourself.

Despite words, actions tell us most of what we need to know. If someone used to call you morning, afternoon and evening then suddenly stops without explanation, something is indeed wrong. Why did they suddenly stop? Why now? What did I do? What did I not do? Human nature forces us to look at ourselves first and ask the questions we are so familiar with over and over again. Sadly, we might end up trying to fix something that isn’t broken and end up pushing others further away in the process. Desperation can be a beast all its own. When we feel someone is pulling away, something inside tells us to “fix it”. How do we do this? We ‘over do’ what we might have always done while in the relationship or even worse, we end up doing things we never did before in order to make someone stay. Most of the time, we end up looking exactly like we NEVER intended; desperate, needy, clingy and weak.

How to you make someone stay in love? Is there a magic formula for keeping someone in love with you? What if you have given all of you to someone and they STILL lost interest? Do you try harder? Do you try to present yourself in a new light in order to look not only better in their eyes but their heart? I believe that love is an equal, two way street. If one starts to lose interest, you can’t patch it. It is 100% up to the individual. Situations vary of course but if you were both loving and giving yet the spark is beginning to fade, what can be done to salvage the already dying relationship? A fire will die without oxygen. How do we supply the needed “fix” in order to reassure someone to stay? The truth is nothing. I am basing this on a loving relationship between two partners and not a one-sided relationship that ended up being someone giving and someone taking the majority of the time.

Sometimes those that have taken advantage of a partner are more lost than those that haven’t because the needed supply of attention is gone. If you cut off the food supply, you starve the beast. It’s the same when it comes to selfish love. A one-sided or selfish relationship will perish when the one starved for love FINALLY realizes that the love is not here, nor has it been returned and are convinced to move on. This leaves the selfish partner acting desperate for attention and tries to convince the other to stay so they can “change”. It rarely happens and typically ends up being a “a little too late.” Crying wolf will never get you what you want because you should have been honest with who you were up front instead of dressing up in sheep’s clothing and being someone you could never be.

Why do we hang on after the love is gone? Why do we want to be dragged for miles though our past and end up hurting ourselves more than our partners ever did? The answer is that we are choosing to believe the one that just got away was “perfect” or in all fairness, perfect in your eyes. We will begin to see your partner as a vision of what we have always wanted instead of what they actually were. How many times after a breakup did you end up fanaticizing about your ex in ways you have never thought of while IN the relationship? Our heart puts the ex on a pedestal and in return, we end up hurting ourselves more because we know that “perfect love” is gone.

The more we give our ex partners the power of us (meaning we put them before ourselves) the more we will stay exactly where we are or end up hurting deeper than we had previously. To put someone before ourselves is not only dramatic but it starts to convince you that you don’t matter as much as someone else. Do you not matter in order to be loved by someone else?

There are so many that refuse to move on because they feel guilty for not caring about the ex. Months could pass yet the wounds are left wide open. With any wound left untreated, it starts to fester and cause more problems than the original cause. Why continue to throw salt on your OWN wound? You can love your ex from a distance but you need to understand that you control you. No one ever said you couldn’t love someone. You need to learn to put your needs first and love yourself. You do matter. You have always mattered and you don’t need someone to convince you otherwise. It’s not easy to get through a breakup. It takes time. How much time is different for everyone but if you want to feel better, you will.

To assume someone will come back into your life as you sit around and wait, would only postpone your heart from healing. I have often said “why wait for a train at the airport?”. The best advice I could give is to mourn your lost, don’t over analyze your situation, try and prevent your ex from being put on your pedestal and learn from the past in order to move forward. To constantly bombard friends and family about the same issue over and over again is only demonstrating your need to be TOLD that something may change. You want to hear someone say they are coming back in order to ease the pain in your heart. The truth is that no one knows. Time is your ally if you use it wisely. The more you waste time thinking about the past, the more you will STAY in the past. You will constantly make yourself feel worse because you can’t feel the love they once had for you in the present. You can’t feel their arms around you. You feel their soft lips on yours. You can’t feel them beside you when you sleep. You can’t see them look at you and smile from across the room. Why? Because they are NOT THERE. There is no way someone can turn off the feelings and thoughts of yesterday, but you can try to push them out of your head for now until you can come to grips with the break. The more you do not accept that the break is final, the more you will be in emotion limbo. It could take weeks or even months to accept but he sooner you try to move forward, the better off you will be.

No one can tell you HOW to get over someone because everyone is different. You will know when you are ready to move forward. Listen to your head and let it do the thinking for you. Don’t allow your heart to make logical decisions. It will serve no purpose. Learn by doing nothing, when those panicky feelings emerge, means that nothing can go wrong. Why do something and push someone further away than do nothing KNOWING you can do no wrong?

Letting go is not giving up. Letting go means that you are going to free your mind and heart from the burden of whatever is causing the worry. Why stress over something when you are in FULL control of you? I choose to live for today rather than looking at my life and thinking “the best is over”. The more you start to believe in you and your ability to feel better, the faster you will start. Think positive. Try and visualize yourself feeling better and smiling. The more you think positive, the more you will BE positive. It takes practice at first but soon it will become a habit. The more you practice a good habit that is positive, the better off you will become. Negativity attracts more negativity. Why would you want to purposely bring more pain and hurt your way? Let it go! You can do it. Don’t let temporary circumstances get you down when you have the rest of your life to feel better.

To quote the Shawshank Redemption
“Get busy living or get busy dying….damn right.”

Believe in yourself and your ability to feel better. No one can do this for you and you have the power within yourself to do anything you choose. Take responsibility for your own actions and let the universe deal with everything else.

Take care of yourself,

SuperDave71

<a href=”http://technorati.com/claim/hi4edsvpk8” rel=”me”>Technorati Profile</a>

 Subscribe in a reader

http://www.thelovelogic.com/forum

“Come on…why won’t they answer?” you begin to ask yourself. The 2nd ring turns into the 5th and now the 8th when you are faced with the sounds of your ex instructing you to “leave a message; I’ll get back to you”. The sound of their voice comforts you…if only for a short while. You snap your phone shut before hearing the beep. “Why won’t they talk to me? All I want to do is say I am sorry and that we can work this out? Why are they making this so difficult?” Your heart beings to ache and your mind begin to wander as it concocts images of someone taking your place in your lover’s arms and your stomach begins to rumble with distaste. The crowded streets seem empty though the hustle and bustle of everyday life surrounds you yet, your thoughts are somewhere else far, far away from the present.

Have you ever been in the situation where you are doing you best to deal with current break the best you can yet the emotions start to swell in your heart and the urge to cry is so much that you just can’t stop? You often find yourself thinking a “break” is merely temporary. You often try to convince yourself that your lover is at home right now grieving over the loss of you. Our hearts and thought can play many cruel images if we let them. Though time passes slowly, nothing can take the thoughts of your ex, your pasts together or a possible solution to your current heartache. You may be going through the actions of daily life; yet your thoughts are somewhere else. Have you ever thought that the word break meant to be broken or to break down? What about heartbreak?

Years ago, I can remember thinking these thoughts. I was no different than you might be right now because my heart was still in the relationship and I assumed my partner’s was too. I figured if my heart was breaking so was theirs. If my heart was filled with love for them, their heart in turn must be filled with the same love for me. Sadly, I was only fooling myself. My heart was trying to convince my head that if I felt this way and my ex told me that she loved me many times before that she must STILL love me . I cannot tell you the harsh reality I had to face when all of my assumptions never came to pass. The feeling of rejection can chill you to the bone as well as sweep your pride right under a rug. You often find yourself trying to win someone back merely because you have to prove it to yourself that you can. There may be love in your heart but your pride is at stake. How dare they reject me based off of nothing! How can someone stop loving me when our relationship was perfect? You have to ask yourself the same question I had to ask myself and that is “who thought the relationship was perfect, you or your ex?” If you’re the one feeling rejected, then your ex did not share the same thoughts or feelings your heart did.

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn growing up is that the world owes me nothing. To put it another way, just because I wanted something to happen and even tried with all my heart to make it happen doesn’t mean it WILL happen. We have to accept the good with the bad; the successes with the failures. Another big lesson was that failure to get what you want doesn’t mean to quit, it means KNOWING when to quit. There is a huge difference between the two. Knowing when to quit doesn’t mean you accepted the outcome, it means you accepted it as not being within your control. No matter how long you were with your ex, you do not control their heart; they do. You may want them back with all that you are but wanting and hoping doesn’t solve your current situation. The heart tries to fight the mind in the beginning. The thoughts that go through your head are endless about your partner. I have been there. I wanted to make each and every thought just disappear but they continued to plague me even when I tried to sleep. Accept the things you cannot change on your own and accept the life lesson each failure brings. How you learn without making mistakes? Experience is the key when it comes to matter of the heart. Problems arise when you try to apply logic to matters of the heart. The way the heart “thinks” is not the same as the brain.

As an example of the above statement, the brain assumes sometimes that if you feel the way you do, that the other party involved possibly feels the same as you do based on the time together and the level of loved shared by both either past or present. This is NOT a true statement. There is no logic when it comes to matters of the heart. Why is it we can be fine one moment and suddenly burst into tears while driving when a thought of your ex pops into your head? There is no rhyme or reason for such reactions but we can learn from all experience if we allow ourselves.

Blaming never solves a problem and neither does arguing. To argue means to defend your pride as well as your need to be right or validated. When has arguing about a break solved anything? If you ex is seeing someone new, it can take the wind right out of your sails yet making threats or foolish phone calls will only make you more foolish in their eyes. What business is it of yours what they do the same as what business it is of theirs what YOU do? An ex relationship, no matter what the cause, doesn’t owe you an explanation. Yes, I realize that is also a tough one to understand but it’s the truth. It’s our hearts that need an explanation. Sometimes when we assume everything is perfect ON BOTH SIDES of the relationship, we end up hurting ourselves more than our partner because we assumed that just because you felt a certain way that they must feel exactly the same, if not similar. Love in its truest form is always returned equally and without asking. If you find yourself asking your partner to love you or DO they love you the chances are you are pushing something that they just don’t feel at the present moment. To push someone is to push them away in my opinion. You can’t make someone love you if they don’t or even worse…you can’t make someone love you AGAIN if they choose not to.

No matter what thoughts go through your head, words solve nothing. You cannot solve weeks, months or possibly years of relationship issues with words. Actions speak louder than any words ever could. If you don’t believe me, ask your friends what words solved when they went through a breakup. I can tell you that the common reactions of begging, pleading, texting and being desperate in any form only pushes your partner further and further away. Who wants to be with someone who is weak and needy? Put yourself in their shoes a while. If you heart just isn’t in the relationship anymore and your ex hounds you over and over again in hopes of convincing you to love them again or give them a second change because you say you will change, how would they look in their eyes? Would you want to see your ex begging you to come back because they miss you or would you rather not see them at all because the breakup was difficult enough regardless? Every situation is different. No one can tell you what will happen in your current situation but, based off of experience with negative behavior chances are you will get a NEGATIVE reaction. Promises made during a break are rarely the glue that holds love together. Love holds love together but it has to be from BOTH parties involved. Why on earth would you want to convince someone with words why they should stay? I cannot tell you how foolish I looked years ago when I was the one that did the begging. I figured it was a way to lovingly convince my ex’s that I loved them. What I didn’t know is that it had the opposite effect. Desperation in ANY form is unattractive.

When rejected, we all have the urge to work out and get our physical appearance in check. I find nothing wrong with this yet if your partner loved you for you, what difference is bulking up or slimming down going to really make in their hearts? The truth is you are working on your side because you can’t face the fact that it is your inside that needs the most work. Please don’t take that last statement the wrong way but the physical appearance is the easy part. Having to look within is the hardest part. The reason is we can look in the mirror and SEE with our own eyes what we need to work on. Looking inside requires much more effort and reflection. To put it another way, it forces us to see what and who we really are not only in our eyes but the eyes of those around us. If you want to put the physical appearance against what is on the inside a different way try this. You can work out and diet all you want. Weeks later you look fabulous but if your partner left you because you were arrogant or egotistical, what does the physical bring with it in your hopes of getting your ex back? Sometimes you just want to feel better. I can completely agree with this but if you are trying to look better in your ex partner’s eyes then you need to look at the real reason(s) they left you in the first place.

Facing the truth can really be humbling. To know that you loved someone so much yet possibly took them for granted means you brought the conclusion on yourself. This is not always the case but there are those that assume when someone loves you that THEY WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. I find this to be a VERY foolish statement because everything that is living needs nurturing. If you neglected a plant of food and water for very long would you expect it to live and grow? Why would you stop nurturing those you love? What is the difference? I want you to listen carefully.

If you learn anything from this thread it’s this:

The moment you assume your partner will never leave you is the exact moment they started to think about leaving you.

This is a very harsh statement to understand but its purpose is simple. Never assume someone will stay with you forever just because they say they love you. If you don’t believe me…tell it to your hear why they just walked out the door and possibly out of your life forever.

Think about it…

-SuperDave71

 Subscribe in a reader

Why not join us at theLoveLogic.com?

http://www.theLoveLogic.com/forum

**Author’s Disclaimer**

I am NOT a therapist nor a professional counselor. The following advice is given in a take it or leave it format. The author (me) does not intend for the user (you) to agree 100% with the following but to merely listen with the intent to learn from the author’s mistakes. My post will not give false hope to the user but will give the user a possible different way of dealing with their current situation.
Thank you….and I wish you the best no matter what your situation.

Let’s begin…

You have heard the advice over and over again. You have read the same thing hundreds of times yet the situation stays the same. Your ex is not closer to you or possibly you just found out they were dating someone else. What happened to you? Do you matter? Of course you do.

In my opinion, if you feel defeated…you are defeated. What does this mean exactly? If you believe that you have no chance with your ex, chances are you won’t. Every situation here at theLoveLogic is different. We all have had our share of breakups, heartache and major setbacks. We share a common bond in the belief that we CAN get our ex’s back. Relationships would be so easy if they had a manual. We could all turn to the back and select “Troubleshooting” but we know this is not the case. We all make mistakes. We have all yelled and screamed like children when we don’t get our way. The sad reality is that we do not fear the consequences of our actions BEFORE we make the mistakes. Our hearts ache because we didn’t use our brain.

Albert Einstein said that humans only use 10% of our brain capacity. I can personally say I agree with this based on my past actions. I cannot tell you how many times “after the fact” that I had said to myself “Why the hell did I do that?” I have stirred many nights wondering what the next morning will bring. Will I receive a phone call? Will I get the cold shoulder? Is it over? Do they STILL love me? Am I a bad person for what I did or didn’t do? The list can be endless. We can be our worst enemies. Being alone with your thoughts can be dangerous and set you back with quick actions that were brought on by “It seemed like a GREAT idea at the time”. I cannot tell you how many times my heart was filled with the BEST intentions of love and compassion but failed miserably to get the point across because I was needy and desperate.

If I were to cook an eloquent meal for someone I loved, would I not research and take my time learning what they wanted and how to prepare the meal? Why wouldn’t I just prepare a burger or a few hot dogs? I wouldn’t because I wanted to prepare something THEY loved and wanted…rather than something etable. This analogy is not based on food per se’ but the idea of relationships being similar.

Let’s break this down:

Common Sense

For all the guys out there, I want to express something I hope you can remember the rest of your life. In every relationship I ever had I made mistakes. We are not perfect. If you compare those mistakes they may not be the same, but some are very similar. Here is the secret I want you to put in your head and remember.
The secret is not falling in love, it’s STAYING in love.

Men for the most part love the challenge of seducing a woman. A beautiful woman that gives a man attention is desirable. It is in our nature to be drawn to her. This, however, does NOT IN ANYWAY say that men are bad. My point is simple, we love the challenge. Guys, let’s say in our pursuit, we wine and dine. We dress in our finest. We open the door. We give the compliments. We give our 100% attention. We do the very things that women find attractive. Finally, she loves you. She thinks you are like no other she has ever met and she is the happiest she has ever been in her life. She brags to everyone about finding you. She tells her family about you. She thinks about you all the time at work, school and any free time she may have….She wants to be with you all the time, even if it is in the next room. The phone calls can last hours. We use our best material on her to woo her further. She is walking on air.
Sadly, the walking on air fades. Why? Because the opening the door, giving complements, giving 100% attention, the dining and going out vanishes in a heartbeat because THERE IS NO OTHER REASON TO IMPRESS HER. I want you to read the last line about a thousand times. I want you to get it in your head that if you believe you can be the man they always wanted and expect you to be…they will stay. If you stop doing the very things you did “in the beginning” you will become a statistic. You will sit ALONE  in your home and tell yourself “it was so good in the beginning but she changed.” Nine times out of ten, she changed because YOU did. This is not as simplistic as I am making it out to be. Please do not get me wrong on this. I am also NOT blaming men for all the issues in a relationship whatsoever. My theory is only to educate so that you can think about your current situation and learn from past mistakes.

As men, we must appreciate the treasure we find. I learned a very difficult lesson when I assumed my girlfriend would never leave me because we were ‘made’ for each other. It was my own arrogance years ago that allowed two relationships to fade away and disappear as I was left trying to pick up the very pieces of what used to be my heart and ego. Don’t let this happen to you.
There is a typical cycle of dating I want you guys to understand. It took me over 36 years to realize this but I am going to freely pass this along to you.
You meet a beautiful girl that is loving and really likes you for you. You pick up on this and you begin to casually date one another. You wine and dine and impress the girl until she is yours. Months later she tells you “I love you”…You smile because you love her to AND ALSO BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE IS YOURS. You can NOW take off the mask you had IN THE BEGINNING. You can finally BE YOU. You don’t have to impress anymore. You settle in to your relationship but find that she is not giving YOU the attention you once had. You both start to argue. The fights and going out with friends begin to take their toll. Finally, you breakup.
Or even worse…
The fights begin to take their toll and you realize that she is smiling a lot more when she leaves. To your dismay, you find out later that she has been secretly seeing someone that met the very needs you neglected to meet. The very things you did to win her heart….someone else is giving to her freely.
The art of seduction begins again….with someone new.

OUCH! Please don’t get me wrong, there are thousands of situations that are NOT similar to this. Read the above carefully and evaluate you current situation the best you can. There is NO way I could create all scenarios but I wanted to use my thought process based on what I have learned in my past.

My point is this; treat your lover with respect, honor and dignity consistently. There are billions of people out there that could be perfect for them. If you give them the opportunity …they might take it. Would you display a money clip with thousands of dollars freely so everyone can see? No, you would protect it. Women are priceless treasures….if you don’t believe me…Fall in love with one….neglect her…..and when she leaves you, she will not only take away herself….she will take away your heart.

Love a woman the way you expect to BE loved. You can never go wrong with this equation. It will never fail you if you live and love by it.
She Left Me

If you lover has ALREADY left you because of something you did or said, you have a serious choice to make. Ask any guy in the forum that has tried to get an ex back quickly, and they will tell you it didn’t happen. The best strategy for getting an ex back is a plan. You have heard many say this before and it should NOT be something new. The kicker is, the plan STARTS WITH YOU…NOT your ex. If you believe that you can “DO” something such as:
1. If I can just talk to her, I think I can get her back (wrong)
2. I will buy her a (wrong)
3. I will hurt her new man if he touches her (wrong)
4. If I show up at her door and (wrong)
5. (wrong)

Regardless of what idea you may have to “win” them back, it will almost 10 times out of 10 fail. Why? because you did NOT put yourself in THEIR shoes. When traveling to an unknown destination, we would typically take a map. This will allow the user to find where they are going. It also allows us to create a plan on how to arrive at our destination. The way I see getting back together is a lot like traveling. If you don’t know WHERE your going, how do you expect to get to your destination? Think about that one for a second. You call, text, plead, beg show up and proclaim your love after you cheated on them, you are only beating a dead horse. It also will show your ex you are weak.

Cheating

Men are supposed to be strong. I didn’t say bullying or over-protective. Women look up to men because of their nature and character. If you go out, pick up a girl, cheat on your lover once (or multiple times) and expect them to “take you back”…you need your head examined. The moment you have a thought in your head of cheating, sit back and close your eyes and imagine your ex reaching into your heart and ripping it out while you feel every fiber being yanked away to what was once your chest. I try to put myself in other’s shoes BEFORE making hasty decisions. Sex feels amazing. Sex with someone you love is DEVINE. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Ask ANY woman on the planet. She will tell you the same.

If you cheat and expect a positive result, you need to re-evaluate your morals. Have I ever cheated you may ask? Yes, I have years ago. Was it worth it? With all that I am, I say absolutely not. There are several reasons why people cheat but men cheat because they ASSUME they will not get caught. I don’t care how much you have “had to drink”, I want you to chew on this for while. If you have a lover, and they cheated on you, no matter what the “excuse was” (drunk, feeling lonely, etc) would you forgive them 100% and let them know that the trust you once had for them has NOT been affected whatsoever? I seriously doubt it.
Trust

Everyone knows you earn trust. From the moment you meet anyone, you trust them UNTIL they PROVE themselves otherwise. When you met you ex, you trusted her. You wanted to get to know her, you thought about her all the time, wanted to see her, kiss her and just “be” with her. She made your heart swell. A simple mention of her name made you smile on the inside and out. Months pass and you are seriously dating. Then, out of the blue, a friend calls and wants to go out with you. You meet out and you have a few drinks. The girls are flirty and your friend is single and enjoying the moment. Do you or do you not take advantage of the situation? Don’t get me wrong, innocent flirting is harmless but it’s when you hear the famous, “No, I don’t have a girlfriend” or “No, I am not dating anyone” line that gets in the way. In my opinion, as soon as that line creeps in your head, your lover should get a phone call from the TRUST police.

“Hello Mame…”
“Yes?, who is this please”
“Hello Mame, we are the trust police and we wanted to inform you that your boyfriend is a lying piece of crap.”
“Oh my….how bad is it TRUST officer?”
“Mame, he just used the ‘No, I am not dating anyone’ line”

“Thank you for calling officer…I will rip his heart out for him…thanks again!”

Trust is the one thing ALL relationships are based on. Whether business or romantic relations…trust is the key. If you have NO trust, there can be NO love. Just putting it out there for you.

A little bit of advice for you and this is a BIGGIE
If you lose someone’s trust…it is almost one-hundred times harder to earn it back
Can it be done….it can. How you ask? My favorite line of all..

“ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS”

If you treat someone lovingly and demonstrate it consistently, your relationship will have the very foundation that will allow it to flourish. If you are not consistent and you tell your lover how much you love them yet DO nothing to demonstrate it, how do you expect to get anything reciprocated? If you needs are not being met in a relationship, take a look at what you are giving. If you are giving 100%, and NOT getting 100%, you have issues that need to be communicated. To anyone that is reading this, PROBLEMS DO NOT WORK THEMSELVES OUT on their own.

Real issues need to be communicated and worked on by BOTH parties involved. If only one party is doing the work…the other is not needed in the relationship. Think of it this way, if you and your partner have the exact same job and both are being paid the same amount of money…but you are doing the work for both of you and only getting paid ONE salary. Is that fair? NO….the other party is NOT needed.

Walking Away

Sometimes despite our valiant efforts as men, we fail. The truth is, we really don’t FAIL. We only lack to fill the other person’s physical and emotional needs. Is that a character flaw in us? No way! We, as men tend to take things too personally or we have the notion that if something is broken, we HAVE to fix it. Some things are beyond repair. People have to realize that even though love blossomed in the beginning, sometimes despite how much sun and water and food a rose gets…it will eventually die.

Despite how you are feeling right now about whatever you are personally going through, do yourself a favor. Take something positive away from every negative situation. The love of your life may have just walked out the door. You might be sitting alone in your room waiting for the phone to ring. You may be reading these forums every night hoping and praying you find the answer to your situation. The sad fact is, you know the answer. With all the negative and confusing emotions rolling around in your head and heart….you keep trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes, you just have to say, I gave it 100% and if it wasn’t good enough…it just wasn’t meant to be. Try not to take it so personal if you can.

If you didn’t give 100%, create a plan that if your ex does open the lines of communication with you, that you can GIVE 100% and SHOW them consistently. If you sit around and don’t work on yourself whatsoever and expect the SAME relationship to be DIFFERENT,(better) than before, you are in for a harsh surprise. Who wants to hear “You haven’t changed a bit!” NOT ME! A lot of guys head to the gym and start looking better. I agree with this and it makes you feel better. I do want to say this though. If you look great and are still the you once were…your still NOT getting what it is that women NEED. Sure they want a strong man that looks great and takes care of himself, but they ALSO need a man that will be JUST AS STRONG AND GOOD LOOKING ON THE INSIDE

I wish you all the best…

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

 Subscribe in a reader

Why not join us at theLoveLogic.com?

http://www.theLoveLogic.com/forum

**Author’s Disclaimer**

I am NOT a therapist nor a professional counselor. The following advice is given in a take it or leave it format. The author (me) does not intend for the user (you) to agree 100% with the following but to merely listen with the intent to learn from the author’s mistakes. My post will not give false hope to the user but will give the user a possible different way of dealing with their current situation.

Thank you….and I wish you the best no matter what your situation.

Let’s begin…

I decided to write this series in two parts; One for the guys and this one for the women. I want you all to understand that when it comes to women, like most men, I am clueless but I do make a conscious 100% effort to try. I would also like to preface this to them men out there that may be somewhat curious and decide to read this. I am merely posting my opinions and advice based on what I have experienced in my own life.

The phone rings. You pick it up and you hear the same voice you have heard for months possibly years. The tone is not the usual but it is cold, almost unfamiliar. “What is it honey?” you reply. The worst four words in the English language that pertain to relationships are as follows:

“We need to talk”

I have heard this so many times before I can’t even begin to count them all. I don’t know what triggers the brain to release the “shivers” but when the phrase is spoken, the cold begins to creep all over you. I remember years ago, while in college, I received a phone call from my soon to be ex and I can almost re-live the very moment. My mood went from…”Hey baby, whatcha doin?” to “What do you mean?” as my smile faded to a frown almost instantly. If I only knew that the smile I was wearing would not return for almost a year, I would have done my best to be a better man. Do I blame myself? No. I just didn’t understand the circumstances involved ripping my heart out and it being handed to me.

I find it amazing that people use the phrase, they “broke my heart”. I believe it to me more like them handing your heart back saying “I am sorry, but I don’t want to carry this any longer” and then gently handing it back as we tell them in a panic “No God, No ….I gave this to you. I want you to have it. Please don’t give it back!!” Being a man of 36 years, I have met some wonderful women out there. Some rejected me, some left me, some just came, saw and left. C’est la vie right? I can however be man enough to admit that I was hurt some of the time but I learned from each an every one of the experiences. If you turn a negative situation into a positive one, what do you lose? You lose nothing.

Ladies…it’s your turn.

Let’s begin…

Your man is not giving you the respect you deserve. He has somehow “changed”. He has been more distant not only physically but emotionally. You have tried to talk about it with him but he doesn’t want to listen. You find that he get irritated at the smallest things. The phone hardly rings anymore unless there is a direct question or business that needs to be taken care of. You worry yourself to death and you are hoping the worst is over. The nights out with friends grow more frequent and the “call me later” request is ignored. Is this the same man that used to call me ten times a day just to say hello? Is this the same man that said I was his everything? What have I done to deserve this?

The questions begin to bounce off the back of your head as you feel the “panic door” that has been closed for so long to slowly creek open. Then, it happens. You hear the question echoing in your head and feel it in your heart. It rings like a bell as you begin to feel the goose-flesh rise all over your body.

“Does he still love me?”

Common Sense

For the ladies out there, I am going to say it out loud. I don’t mean to be offensive to my gender but MEN ARE STUPID. HA HA (*Author’s Note** Ladies, we can’t move on unless you get that grin off your face and stop laughing why you are at it!!) Women love to talk. They will tell you exactly how they are feeling all the time. Sadly, the men eventually “tune you out” and only pick up the following words.

1. Sex ( just the mere mention of the word will make a man turn his head)
2. Breakfast, lunch and Dinner. (Any of the words will work)
3. Money
4. Free Beer
5. Vacation
6. Ball game ( pick a sport)
7. Plasma Screen or New Big Screen
8. New Car or fix up an old car.

The following list was created to make you smile. Men are very stereotypical and are typically happy by nature. Men are adventurers. We like to explore the unknown. We, just like the ladies out there love to be given attention but be warned; too much attention can scare a man off in a heartbeat. (the same applies to a woman). The old saying too much of a good thing can actually hurt you.

Ask any man how his day was, I bet he can tell you in less than three minutes. Ask a woman; you get a play by play walkthrough that the ESPN color commentators would be jealous of. Men for the most part do not like play by plays, we love highlights. Women tend to be offended easily when men act as if we don’t care. Sure we do, just use small words and if the man is looking like he is tuning out…end your next sentence with the word ‘sex’ and you will once again regain his full attention. (Just Kidding!) O.k….sorry for my silliness.

Like any relationship issue, lack of communication could be one of the main reasons for breakups. The paradox is this; Men selectively listen and women will tell you EXACTLY how they feel. How can a man love a woman and still not listen? Well, the truth of the matter is men DO listen. Think of it this way, if you go to a movie and describe to a friend what it was about, a man will tell what it’s about with the highlights and a woman will be MORE detailed.

This is not a fault, it’s our nature. How can something we naturally do be wrong or considered a flaw? Men will do anything for the woman they love. Think about it, women typically love to be wined, dinned and give compliments as well as given your full attention without being to over-bearing. Men ask you what you like, what you do, about your childhood, your family and anything else he can think of so he can find out a more about you.

If you want to know what a man thinks…here are some the lyrics from the famous song:

“When a Man Loves a Woman” By Percy Sledge
When a man loves a woman
Can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else
He’d trade the world
For a good thing he’s found
If she is bad, he can’t see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down
When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He’d give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that’s the way
It ought to be
When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I’ve got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don’t treat me bad

I cannot tell you how much I love this song. Not only for the song itself, but the meaning and passion put into writing it. When I was in my teenage years, I wanted so much for a girl to like me. I would have given anything to feel love from a girl. Sadly, I would have accepted almost anything because I didn’t know what I wanted in the first place. How do we know what we want if we NEVER had it? How can we say someone is or “soul mate” when you have NO idea what is out there to choose from?

Men and women generally go on first impressions. We look at the exterior before we look “under the hood” so to speak. Dating is considered test driving and purchasing is considered a commitment. Take a guess what repossession is considered?

He has been “Acting Distant” lately

When a man acts distant or replies with short, direct answers to simple questions, there is a problem. It could be one of many things but it would be better to confront him with a simple, hey are you ok? Do you want to talk about it? I don’t know about you guys, but I respond very well to body contact. As a man, I like it when my lover touches me gently on the arm when talking to me. I love it when she looks into my eyes.

Why? Because as a man, I love having the full attention of the very person I love the most. This is of course true for both men and women.
I cannot say this enough but problems and issues do not solve themselves. Whether love, money or family, problems do not just fix themselves. Sometimes people take silence as not caring. Sadly, some care TOO much. Show that you care, let your lover know but looking them in the eye and saying something loving like “If something is bothering you, I am here for you if you want to talk. If it bothers you, it bothers me. I love you and I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. I am here if you need me” , then leave it alone.

Men DO NOT respond well to nagging. You want to close off your man emotionally and possibly physically, continue to question him “I know something is wrong…..tell me what it is.”

To all the men possibly reading this thread out of pure curiosity, please back me up in the following statement to the ladies. If you ask a man that is distant and maybe has his mind somewhere else, NEVER ASSUME IT IS ABOUT YOU. It could be anything. Always go with what you know…rather than what you may assume. I cannot tell you how many e-mails I have received that describe this very issue. Arguments SHOULD NEVER be used as a ways of hurting someone intentionally. Disagreement can go on for hours and escalade so quickly that by the time you guys are finished screaming at one another, you can’t remember what the original disagreement was.

I don’t care if you are male or female, if you bring up something in an argument that was supposedly resolved, you will only make it worse. Remember, when you agree to disagree no one should get hurt. If you have something to prove, and choose to be right, you will make your own bed…and now you must lie in it. Try to be loving, kind, understanding and concerned. Anything else could be seen as being pushy or even worse, untrusting.

We have Children Together

I get questions about this all the time. It is a very touchy subject so please understand that you are getting advice from someone who has never had children.

Let’s begin…

In my opinion, the children ALWAYS come first. This is true with both MEN and WOMEN. Two adults that want to name call, or despise one another in front of the children should get professional help. This act is cruel, insensitive not to mention NOT LOVING…not for your ex but to your children. Children are innocent until exposed to such horrific displays of temporary insanity. I could not imagine not being able to be man enough to hold back the tears and resentment if any were present towards the mother and taking it out on the children.

Children are NOT SPIES! DO NOT ask you children to TELL YOU who mommy is seeing or what she is doing!!! This is so unfair and vengeful to your ex as well as the children. These are YOUR children. Be a POSITIVE ROLE MODEL…..not a vengeful parent who only wants revenge for the simple fact that the relationship didn’t work out with the father or mother of your children. Not only are you setting a horrible role model, you are letting the children know that it is OK to be hateful.

Ladies and gentlemen, the world is filled with too much hate already. We don’t need anymore. Spread love and happiness to your family. Learn to put past differences aside when it comes to the children. Learn to cooperate with the other parent. This can be difficult sometimes depending on the situation but TRY to be the better person. Let the other know that you want the best for the children FIRST and that all other hard feelings between you two should be left in the privacy of a journal, professional counselor, a family member, pastor..etc etc. but NEVER in front of or directed at the children.

He Cheated on Me

There is not a feeling in the world that can compare to being cheated on. Infidelity is wrong no matter what the excuse. The last word the last sentence is “excuse”. Here is a list of commonly used excuses.

I was drunk
I was high
I was lonely
I was depressed
It just “happened”
I told them to stop but…

Ladies and gentlemen, an excuse is just that…IT IS AN EXCUSE. It is a fraudulent way of trying to explain the simple fact that you were stupid. I know that sounds harsh but we are adults. We make adult decisions. We can choose what we do 100% of the time and its called free will. Most infidelity happens for the simple explanation of “I wanted to and I didn’t think I would get caught”.

I am not trying to over simplify, I am merely being brutally honest. How many people out there have heard the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater”. I look at it like this; until the cheater knows in their heart that it is wrong they will do it again. See if this sounds familiar. A man falls in love with a woman. He loves her and they seriously date.

Down the road, the man is presented with sex from an outside source and accepts. He doesn’t get caught but karma ( what comes around goes around) presents itself to the relationship. Let’s assume 9 months after the cheating occurred, he falls even deeper in love with his woman. He has NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY…until he finds out that she cheated on him with a co-worker. He is mortified…he yells, he screams, he calls her names and threatens the other guy. It’s too late. She has already fallen in love and he is left licking his wounds as he is left with the sinking feeling of guilt as the phrase “What is good for the goose is good for the gander” rings in not only his head…but his heart. DON’T DO IT!!

Men are not the ONLY cheaters. Women can be JUST as guilty. The same circumstance described above also applies to both sexes. No exceptions. If you are not happy in your current relationship, leave. There is no need to let someone lose all trust in you and your ability to be trusted in the future.

Walking Away

In any situation, you always have to look out for you. It can be one of the hardest things ever to do. We want to give the other partner the benefit of the doubt. To all the woman out there…..never trust a man that talks. Let him be a man and show you. People that say they will change, yet do nothing are just trying to buy time. Real men DO…others talk. Learn that if someone loves you, they will do what is necessary for the relationship to work FOR BOTH PARTIES involved.

No one ever said love was easy. Do you self a favor and have high standards. If you lower them and you settle, it’s your own fault. I am a realist. I was hurt just like so many of us have been. I am neither difference nor an exception to any rule. I do what is best for me. Does this mean I love my partner any less? Absolutely not…It just proves I love me more.

Life is an adventure to be lived and experienced with someone you love. If someone doesn’t want to share it with you, so be it. Take away the positive memories and learn to watch for the very things that separated you in the first place. Learn from your mistakes. Life is what you make it. Make the best of it…you can do it.

I wish you all the best…

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

http://www.theLoveLogic.com/forum

After days of not speaking to one another the silence is broken as the phone begins to ring. With each ring your heart starts to beat faster. You can feel the nerves in your stomach begin to tighten as the mind begins to slowly panic. “It’s her”, you silently tell yourself. After taking a deep breath, you slowly and cautiously answer the phone. “Hello….hey….I don’t want to fight anymore. I love you and –“ you begin but are cut off with the words you hoped and even prayed you would never hear. “So you are giving up on us? After three years you just want to give up? What about us? What about all the plans we made? ….I can change!! I know I can. If you would just listen a second….” The phone falls silent. All the memories of three years begin to flood your heart as the tears slowly begin to flood your eyes.

Regardless of how your breakup occurred it hurt. Sometimes there are those that let foolish pride stand in the way of love. The need to be right conflicts with logical reasoning which in turn makes things even worse. You are seen as selfish as well as unloving. Breakups are never easy. No matter how much time has transpired, the heart as well as ego hurt in unison. The feelings of not being attractive, wanted, needed or the idea that someone else has come along can weigh heavy in your heart. You start to over-analyze every word, every action, every time your ex came over late or was too tired to come over. You begin to think so much that you lose sleep. When you do end up in bed, your mind just won’t shut off. Your mind begins to think of all the good times together. You go over in detail how you met, the first time you kissed, the first time you made love, the trips; the holidays together…..the thoughts just won’t turn off.

Then you mind and heart digs deeper….

You begin to envision the last time they said they loved you. The thoughts of the late night promises and plans you made together begin to tear at you and your heart aches because of it. You try to convince yourself that they will be back. You assume they hurt just as much as you do. You hope they do. If you found out otherwise you would possibly feel worse than you already do right now. The nights seem to stretch for days. The mind is a funny thing, yet it can cause your body to react to things it assumes is the truth if you convince yourself otherwise. Time seems to stand still.

Getting up in the morning is nearly impossible but not because of lack of sleep but because your body is yelling “what’s the point”. If you do manage to get out of bed you typically find your morning thoughts to be of your ex. The thoughts begin to come slowly at first then they hit you all at once like a fist to the gut. Where do they come from? How do you make them stop? What are they doing? What are they thinking? Do they miss me? Are the coming back? What did this happen? Do they still love me? Do they see a chance down the road for us to get back together? Are they ok? Should I call to make sure they are alright? There are millions of questions you don’t have answers to and the assumptions start to kick in after days of silence. When one starts to assume, you make terrible, regrettable mistakes. When the simple trust could be that they just fell out of love with you yet you assume it was because of something you did or didn’t do, you begin to panic. You start to believe if they left you because you did or said something or maybe had a small argument that you could possibly apologize and have them back in your arms in no time. A sense of peace may calm your nerves for a short while yet it is short lived when the harsh reality of being alone sinks in.

The idea of your ex knocking on your door and throwing themselves at you in a moment of uncontrolled love is idealistic but not viable. It may work in the movies but not in reality. The more you assume you ex will do something such as call, write, text, email or come over; the more you will be setting yourself up for disappointment in the end. Sure they might call, but when? Is there a time limit? Is there a common knowledge or proper protocol that ex’s MUST follow in order to appease their ex lover? I think not. The more you expect something if ANYTHING from you ex, the more you will be waiting for something that may never come to be. Just because you wait doesn’t mean it will come to you. For example, you might want be a CEO of a Fortune 400 company but if you do NOTHING to achieve your goal, what is the probability of it becoming a reality? We cannot predict what others will do, say or feel. The more we assume, the more we do not know the truth. The more we do not know the truth the more we panic. The more we panic the more mistakes we make when it comes to ended relationships.

The thought that someone else could come along and reap the benefits of our hard work can be devastating. All of our time, love and future plans together destroyed in seconds can get the best of us if we let it. How can they be doing this to us? The truth be told is that they didn’t do anything to you, they did it to themselves. Even if your partner cheated on you, they did it to themselves and you are collateral damage. The more you give your ex power, the more you will not be living your life. If you wait for your ex to “do” something such as contact you or ask you out, you will be in a holding pattern. You will jump when the phone rings or possibly stay home in case they drop by or get online to chat. Why would you want to put your life on hold for someone that just walked out on you? If someone left you why on earth would you wait and see what happens? It’s because we hold on to what once was and the way they WERE when they were with us. We hold on to the love that ONCE was. We hope and pray that they somehow change their minds and run into our arms once again. Sure this happens in the movies and on rare occasions it does happen in reality but not without time and more importantly change.

How do we change? Why should we change? Do people really change in order to be loved by another? I guess it really depends on the logic behind the word change. If you assume that someone will love you just because you do this or look a certain way or believe this or that, how is this any part of love? To give up your own self-respect in order to be loved by another with conditions, is absurd. Love is patient, love is kind I say. I often use the phrase “See me , love me or F- off” All I mean by this harsh use of the English language is that I don’t have time to settle for those that refuse to give me the love and respect I deserve. I have found that in my 38 years that there are those that enjoy the power that you give them in order to manipulate. When someone knows for a fact that you will “always be there” how can they miss you? How can someone miss what is always there? The mystery is gone. It would be like running downstairs Christmas morning to find EVERY PRESENT unwrapped. Sure they are gifts but the excitement is the guessing or mystery of what it is. Relationships are NOT GAMES. There are so many that believe “If I DO this…they they will DO this.” If you “change” who you are and show them you have changed, you might expect them to love you because you DID what they asked you to do. I disagree with this 100%. I believe in compromise. Now in all honesty, years ago I was a marionette in my ex’s hand. She could say or do anything and I would not want to upset her. How foolish of me looking back but I learn from it in a HARSH way.

People love you because of the way they feel when they are with you. If you present yourself in the beginning of the relationship of something you aren’t then they are going to expect the person you’re not all the time. When we begin to date, we are on our best behavior. We tend to over-do it a little. The phone calls, the up until 2am conversations, the walks, the hand holding and the “Whatever you want is fine” line. As time passes and the chase is over, the need to impress is not longer a factor at least maybe in your eyes. Since I am writing this from a male point of view you can understand that men get lazy. I am not afraid to say it because I have been guilty of this myself in years past. When this happens, the masks as I call them come off. You show your true self. You present yourself as YOU rather than the person you wanted them to think you were. This is NOT always the case. There are times when people are who they are. How do you know the difference? Actions speak louder than words.

There are some out there in the world today that believe their ex owes them something after a break. I am not referring to money (this time). They have this false idea that just because they spent their time, love, affection and respect for someone that they magically assume that they are owed. What exactly they think they deserve is beyond me. For those foolish enough to think an ex owes you anything (unless we are talking money) you are only fooling yourself. If you worked in a company for 10 years and you were fired because you lacked on your performance for the past 2 years, does the company ask you what they owe you? Do they ask you what it is you need in because of tenure? I think not. Why would someone owe you? If you have this sense of entitlement, you’re not being loving you are looking for someone to respect you that has just rejected you. I suggest you get off your power trip because the person you want to respect you just walked out on you. That is a harsh reality to face but you can’t get blood from a turnip either.

After a break, you tend to badger your friends over and over. We have all been there. We ask our friends rhetorical questions and expect answers. We tend to say the same thing over and over yet we are mostly presented with this answer: “If it was mean to be..” What kind of answer is that? That isn’t an answer; it’s an open ended comment. Of course if it was meant to be it will be! It’s not that it doesn’t fit in this particular situation, it’s that it is over used and cliché’. When someone leaves you, there is a reason or reasons they did. You cannot fix THEIR problems or why they walked out on you. If you have the notion that you should “be there for them” you are only waiting to wait. Heaven forbid if you turn it around and look at it from a natural point of view and ask “Would they be there for me?” If you hesitate for two seconds, the answer is maybe. Who wants a maybe? I want a yes. I am the type of guy that loves a guarantee. YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM. They have to do this themselves. If you expect them to do it for you, you AGAIN are fooling yourself. In order for someone to change, they have to WANT to change without the pressure of “Change or I will abandon you.” Natural occurring change happens over time, not day; not weeks. People do not change despite what they tell you. They change naturally because they see what it is they need to improve about themselves, NOT because you told them to. If you allow someone back in your life that says they have changed, looks like they have changed but hasn’t…you will be right back where you started soon enough. Don’t give people credit until they earn it.

The more you use the word ‘they’, ‘she’ or ‘he’ the more you are pushing your thoughts and actions towards what it is your EX needs, wants and desires. In reality, you are putting your needs aside in hopes of winning someone back. When did you start considering your ex a prize? When did you STOP considering yourself a prize? If you feel gifts or rings are a way of winning someone back, again you are only fooling yourself. In panic mode, we believe we have to DO something in order to stop them from NOT loving us. For some odd reason we believe their love is like an hourglass full of sand that keeps slowly dwindling over time. If we don’t stop it, their love for us will be over never to be seen again. Let me be honest with you…WRONG! WRONG!! This is your heart thinking. It is not intended to think. It’s to live and love. Your brain is meant to reason and think. USE IT! True love never dies but it can change rolls. You cannot stop the process of love changing rolls but you CAN CHANGE MAKING FOOLISH MISTAKES. Take time to let go of the panic. If it sets in again, do NOTHING. If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong. There is nothing worse than hearing from an ex about how much of a jerk you are when you are at home wishing desperately that they would come back. If you make mistakes, it’s fine but remember, the MORE mistakes you make, the worse you will feel. Also remember more mistakes means pushing your ex further and further away. Why justify your ex for breaking up with you? Don’t do it. You have been warned.

Despite our greatest effort, despite our love for our past, despite our want to reconcile, we have to realize that it’s not just up to us. It takes two WILL partners to make it work. Use your head and think about what it is you truly want and need. You are not foolish. You are someone that deserves to be loved despite ONE PERSON not loving the way you planned. Take that nonsense away and learn that you need to learn to respect yourself before you expect it from others. If you don’t love and respect yourself, how can you expect others to? If they walk away, they take the respect and love with them leaving you empty and wanting it back. Try to cope with feelings you may be experiencing right now. I know it’s difficult. I have been there. I know exactly what it is you might be going through but it does get better if you WANT it to. You have to decide to wait around for something they may never happen or take the chance. No one is to blame but you if you wait and nothing comes of it. I chose to move forward. I use the attitude of “If you want me bad enough you will follow me.” I have never looked back and nor will I. I choose to live my life the way I see fit. I make my own decisions. I make my own choices and know that in the long run I never settled for anything less. I hope you can find the courage and strength within yourself to take my words and push yourself forward. There is greatness inside you that cannot be stopped. Just because someone walked out of your life doesn’t mean someone greater won’t walk in. Let go of the anger, the sadness and hurt. Give it to God or your higher power. Learn that all things happen for a reason.

If it was meant to be….the MAKE IT BE BECAUSE YOU MADE YOU BE.

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

 Subscribe in a reader

http://www.theLoveLogic.com/forum

Memories of a time that you were happiest with someone that is no longer a part of your life can you like a knife if you let them. You may sit and ask yourself in silence “What did I do?” or “What can I do to get them back?” The emotions and thoughts of yesterday only make your head spin and your heart ache even more as you attempt to start picking up the pieces that was once your heart not knowing where or how to begin. You are not alone. Heart break is nothing new and the disappointment it brings. I want to give you a few personal tips that helped me years ago that might help you on your quest to get yourself back together. No matter what, realize that you are going to be ok and also know that it takes time in order to heal all wounds.

If a break is new, learn to accept it. I know this is difficult because we all have that idea of a hopeful reconciliation soon after a break. We tend to convince ourselves that “They just need time” or “All I need to do is <fill in the blank> and that will prove that I love them”. If you have ever had these thoughts, I caution you in not putting these thoughts into actions. Desperate attempts at getting back a loved one soon after a breakup are seen as just that. So many out there get so overwhelmed with guilt, desperation, abandonment and even worse, feelings of not being good enough that they begin to build a wall of desperation that pushes the ideas of contacting and “all I have to do it talk to them and convince them I love them”. This is a huge misconception. Talking solves nothing. If you didn’t communicate while in the relationship, what makes you think your partner will listen now? You can chalk this one up as “a little too late”. Try to look at it through your partners eyes and NOT your own.

You might have been the most loving, giving and best listener on the planet yet they still walked out on you. What gives? How can someone that is 100% dedicated to the relationship STILL be dumped? In short, people change. You might have been perfect in your partner’s eyes but something inside them changed allowing them to feel differently about you. THIS is one of the most difficult things to accept because you start blaming yourself or trying to convince yourself you should have done more while in the relationship. Don’t be fooled. Men have a tendency to drain their wallets in order to show someone how much they love them or tend to go into panic mode in order to try and convince someone to come back. Crying will get you know where if trying to win someone back. You will only be seen as desperate and weak. It is better to accept the breakup and cope with the lonely feelings and long nights instead of justifying the breakup by proving to your ex that you are desperate and will not leave them alone. Think of it this way, if you breakup…walk away in order to keep you together. Don’t add fuel to the fire and prove to your ex that you are weak, needy, desperate, lonely, depressed or panicked. By walking away, you are giving the impression that you can handle anything. This is very difficult to do but by doing this, you are giving your ex exactly what they wanted which in turn is a loving act.

I know what you’re thinking? You are thinking “why do I have to walk away and be the tough one when I want them back?” Let me go ahead and answer this with another question. How can you convince someone that you love them by begging them back to you or annoying them to no end? You can’t. No matter the desperation you might be feeling on the frontend, you need to realize that because a break occurred you need to know the following:

1.) There was a problem somewhere in the relationship
2.) Though you thought it was perfect, your partner did not
3.) This breakup could have been in the works for weeks or maybe months
4.) You cannot convince someone you love them by talking
5.) Relationship problems take time and effort by BOTH WILLING partners

If you can understand these concepts from the beginning or if you are reading this now and realize you have made some common mistakes, the next logical step is to stop doing what you think they want you to do. In other words, and I have said it before, stop thinking with your heart and use your brain instead. Breakups are hard. You might have been though years together that were incredible while you were together but the more you try and live in the past (saying things like “we were perfect together”) only stops the healing process because you are living in past feelings and not current feelings. If you remain in the past, your present and future will ONLY stay in the past.

You might be so used to the love, the affection, the phone calls, the emails and text messages that once it stops (and sometimes without warning) you tend to feel lost. We have all been there. Imagine your life tomorrow without television, the Internet, radio or cell phones. We are so used to these items we tend to take their existence for granted. Relationships can be the same way. All routine can get boring after a while. Instead of fighting to get back what you hard right now, learn to relax and think things through BUT DO NOT OVER-THINK. The difference is if you start using the term “They” instead of “I” you will still be thinking and trying to convince yourself that you are still in a relationship. Let me be clear on something, the moment someone breakup with you, you are officially single BUT…now read this part very carefully, your partner has lost all exclusive rights to you but you must give them the same benefit. You cannot pretend that you can still openly communicate just because in the past you were used to it.

For example:

If you have ever been let go from a job, do you show up the next day and pretend you still work there and have access to all the business resources? Of course you don’t. Why would you pretend everything was ok when it wasn’t after a breakup? The same common sense applies.

Being alone after a break can be a very humbling experience. All the thoughts that go through your head as well as all the memories you go over and over again. Sometimes the mind can get the best of you because you start to conjure up thoughts of what your ex is doing and possible who they are doing is with. The best strategy on this issue is go with what you know is a FACT not an assumption. Just because someone breaks up with you does not mean they have already met someone. Those that do find out their ex is dating soon after a break means one of two things:

1.) They were in the wings while you both were together
2.) Rebound in order NOT to deal with their current feelings

Regardless of what they are doing, our goal is to get YOU back together. I know it’s difficult in a cyber-age NOT to check the social groups or view the pictures they upload what let me ask you this? What does viewing their profile accomplish? That you are a cyber-stalker? Maybe it is that you have to know the truth if they are dating someone new? Maybe is it you want to look at their status and pray that they are just as miserable as you are? Again, this has NOTHING to do with you. Right now you are single and have lost the right to such information. If you have these urges, you are still convinced that you have rights to your ex and this only delays your progress in getting yourself back together.

Do you realize that the first step is getting back together is getting yourself back together? You heart has been wounded as well as your pride and self-esteem. You need time to take all this information in and learn from it. After a heart surgery, do you get off the table and go to work the very next day? Absolutely not! You need to heal and recuperate after such an operation. Regardless, heartaches are the same. In order to move forward and start to let go of your past with your ex, you need to understand that by working on yourself and not focusing on your ex, you are slowing growing stronger every day. The more you tend to focus on anything BUT yourself; you will not begin the slow process of healing. I urge you to take the time and learn from your past. You can’t change it. You can only move forward and learn from it. Do your best NOT to live in your past but only reflect on it.

Blaming yourself for a breakup is not the answer. Why give yourself the extra burden of trying to cope with a breakup by blaming yourself? Blaming solves nothing let alone carrying the burden all by yourself on your shoulders. Just because someone threw in the towel doesn’t mean you are worthless. If you feel that you are not good enough to love or who would want to love you just because of your current feelings, it’s natural to feel this way AT FIRST but NOT NATURAL to constantly feel this way. You are not a piece of trash nor are you worthless. People change and so does the love they have for one another. We are human. We tend to focus on the NOW. We are so used to high-speed access that we want and demand answers now. When no answers can be found, we tend to hypothesize about what we WANT to believe rather than wait on the truth.

For example:

Going to someone’s social networking page and seeing them happy with friends in a current photo days after the breakup means that they must be happy to be rid of you right? Wrong! You have NO IDEA what they are feeling and just because a picture sees a smile, how many cameras can take a picture of a broken heart? The idea that you EXPECT your ex to be sad and broken hearted just because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s the truth nor should you expect it.

The more you assume your ex will be locked in at home sobbing and wanting you back is your way of making yourself feel better about you. In retrospect, you are HOPING they feel this way because the more sad and upset they are, it must mean they really do care and love you. Put this in that thick skull of yours, just because someone doesn’t show it in tears and depressions DOESN’T mean they don’t love you or care for you. Let those thoughts right out the window. The secret is not to believe they feel the same as you just because you shared the same relationship together. This is one of the toughest things to remember especially when your heart doesn’t want to give up.

To expect an ex to come crawling back or want to see you soon after a break is foolish. There is no time limit on getting back together if it is even possible. People have to change because they want to NOT because they are TOLD to. Just because an ex comes to you and tells you the things that they wish were different doesn’t mean that if you change they will love you again. The idea of changing in order to be loved by someone else is desperation on your part. By having thoughts like this you are NOT you. The difference in this theory is that by loving someone, you listen with your ears and your heart. Most people will tell you exactly what it is they don’t like about your actions or words. If you don’t change when they bring it to your attention, it will only make it that more difficult to convince them in the future. Take time in order to get yourself back to the new you. Now notice I did not say the OLD you. In my book, you need to learn from the OLD you in order to become the new you.

It takes time to get to the point where you can start thinking about yourself more than your ex. It may seem like an eternity but I promise you when thoughts of your ex creep in, push them out and tell yourself that you will think of the later. The way I see things is if it doesn’t benefit you in a POSITIVE way, let it go. Why focus on the negative when being positive is 10000% more potent? By learning from your breakup and not feeling sorry for yourself or taking responsibility the break you will be slowly be learning to let go one day at a time. Remember that letting go does mean for ever. Letting go allows both parties involved in the break to have the time and space they need to possibly let the ember of love grow into a flame once again. Just because you can’t see or feel their love, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

People ask me all the time about contact. The way I see it is that if you have business to attend to ( bills, belongings, children involved, etc) then by all means communicate BUT do not take business as an opportunity to plead your case. Take care of the business and let it go. The more contact you make with your ex, the more opportunity you have to make mistakes. If you do nothing, then nothing can go wrong. If your ex contacts you, don’t be so hasty to answer the phone, email or text. The reasoning is they are USED to you responding. By not responding they begin to see maybe they lost that right when they left you. As long as business is taken care of any attempt at communication should be VERY limited. How can you miss what is always there? You can’t! The way I see it is that by creating space and working on yourself and not letting thoughts of the past or your ex and what they are doing interfere with your progress, you are well on your way to healing much faster than if you let memories of yesterday interfere with today. Take it one day at a time. Take my word for it; the sun will shine on you again. The smiles that left your lips will once again show in the eyes of friends, family and coworkers. Have faith in yourself and don’t let anything stand your way.

I wish you peace, love and hope

Your Friend,

SuperDave71

 Subscribe in a reader

We often assume that just because we have been in an intimate relationship for any length of time that the other partner owes us something when things take a turn for the worse. No matter how much you hurt or want them back, you feel cheated when they refuse to give you the answers you need. We all have our reasons for closure yet some of us never get the closure we need and others refuse to face the truth that the relationship is really over.

I will be the first to tell you that hearing the phrase “we need to talk” usually sends goose-flesh up and down my spine just because of the pretence of what it usually means. I can mentally rub the walls of my heart and feel the scars each love that left made and I can often recall how I felt when they ended it. I have heard them all:

1. “It’s not you, it’s me”
2. “I think we should see other people”
3. “We are just not compatible”
4. “I met someone else”
5. “I don’t love you anymore”
6. “I’m just not happy”
7. “I just don’t want to be In a relationship anymore”
8. “I need some space”
9. “We should just be friends”
10. “I love you like a brother”

After a while you begin to wonder what you’ve done right or was there anything you did that was good while you were together. Just to be clear and honest, I take responsibility for my part of any failed relationship but I refuse to ever blame myself. What does blaming do? Does it change your current situation? No. Does it make you look any better in the eyes of your ex? No. Does it make you feel instantly better? No.

What I have discovered in my experience is that I just want the truth. I don’t care for excuses. I don’t want someone to beat around the bush. I don’t want someone to treat me badly in order for me to break up with them so they don’t have to feel guilty. I don’t want someone to tell me anything about my partner and what they did or had been doing. I only want the truth. I will be the first to tell you, the honest truth can be more painful than the separation or break itself. For instance, who wants to hear that their partner was out kissing someone else while you were out with friends? Who wants to hear that your partner is secretly seeing someone else while you work at night? Who wants to hear that when you were out of town on business, your partner slept with someone else in your own bed? OUCH! Please keep in mind, these are only examples but we have all heard or possibly have our own horror stories. Why do we tend to feel so horrible when we hear the truth and why is it other just plain refuse to hear the truth?

Let’s dig a little deeper shall we…

The Truth and Nothing But the Truth

Have any of your old partners ever been 100% honest with you when it came to breaking up? I have and I cannot tell you how much I respected them then and now. I may not have liked what they had to hear but I was man enough to take it and I got over it much faster and even thanked them after time passed. Closure is getting the truth; nothing more, nothing less. When partners seek closure they want to know exactly why the other wants to break and how they came to such a conclusion. Sometimes people don’t know what they want so they break it off with a partner just because if they don’t know what they want how can they know they want to be in a relationship? I have been foolish enough to take someone’s words like “We need space” and respect their wishes as they are out sleeping around with someone who was in the shadows for weeks before the separation. Here I was thinking I will give them the time they need out of my love for them and they ended up stabbing me in the back and heart at the same time.

When someone tells you it’s over, the best thing to do it accept it. The sooner you do, the sooner you will start to feel better. I didn’t say this was an easy process but I take people words as what they mean. I have been the poster child of “You don’t really mean it do you”? way too many times in my life to not believe what they say. The sooner you learn to accept it is over, the sooner you will begin the healing process. Back up for one second and read that last line again. I stated the sooner you will begin the healing process but I refuse to say how long it will take. No one knows the answer to this but you. I guess you can look at it like a cut. The sooner you disinfect it and cover it with a bandage, the sooner it will heal. The more you don’t take care of it, the longer it will take and the more possibility of a noticeable scar.

There are no “What if’s” in this equation. The more you try and give credit to someone after they told you it was over, the longer you will sit around waiting for them to come back to you. Do you like to wait? Ever waited in a long line? Ever waited to board a plane? Ever waited for concert tickets? No one likes to wait but we do because we have to in order to take care of business. I know what you’re thinking. You want to tell me “Good things come to those who wait” and I concur. But waiting for someone who ISN’T waiting for you is just PLAIN FOOLISH.

No one said this would be easy. Healing is a gradual process but the key is knowing you will eventually feel better if you want to. Sitting around moping is not going to speed your recovery. Thinking your ex is waiting by the phone for you to call is you trying to visualize what it is your heart wants. You are hoping they are wanting you back but you don’t know so you choose to think about it or “wish” it. I wish I was a millionaire and I can wish it all I want but probability says it will not come true if I merely “wish” it too happen and do nothing. The same applies for healing. If you want to heal yet do nothing to help yourself, why would you expect your heat to heal any faster?

The bottom line is we all want to feel loved and respected. If someone says it’s over, then try and understand that this is for the best regardless of what it is you want. Why try to convince someone that they are making a mistake when they don’t see it they way you do? Why beg and plead for someone to stay when their heart has already packed up and walked out the door? Begging, pleading, crying, stalking, texting, emailing constantly is not going to make someone’s heart comes back. You are going to make yourself seem childish, less mature and possibly show your ex that they are doing the right thing but leaving you. Don’t do it.

Refusing Not to Accept the Truth

I hate to admit it but I am somewhat of an expert in this area. For years I assumed I was the perfect catch. Not in an arrogant way but I thought I had it all figured out. I was respectable, loving, kind, gentle, giving, honest and trustworthy. What took me the hardest time to realize is that when someone treats you exactly how you want to be treated and makes you happy but DOESN’T MEAN THEY WILL LOVE AND STAY WITH YOU. I had a horrible time seeing things from other people’s perspective. I was a great listener but what I mean is I thought if I gave 100% of me to someone they would want to stay and give me 100% right back. THIS was not the case. This was a hard lesson for me back in my younger days because I thought I was doing exactly what they wanted me to do. When someone tells you it’s over, you tend to want to try harder than to give up.

I would often tell myself, “I love this girl and I am going to fight harder to keep her”. Oh the agony! I would cater to my ex’s, buy them expensive gifts, flowers at work, write songs, mix CD’s or whatever else came to mind. What I did not realize is that I was making things worse. I assumed my gestures of love would SHOW or DEMONSTRATE my love for them when the truth be told, it was making me look desperate and needy. After years of doing this with several women, I got the hint. If you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result…well you get the idea.

The more we use our hearts to think, the more we get in trouble. I choose to never assume what someone is thinking. I ask unless they tell me. If they said they loved me then I would assume they did BUT I would expect actions to back it up. Why is it when people say it’s over that some just can’t accept it? “Oh they didn’t mean it. We are perfect for each other” they would tend to say. WRONG! You are assuming from YOUR point of view and not theirs. I would often believe my ex was sitting at home thinking of me. I had never been so horribly wrong. My ex said and did two things.

1. Said it was over
2. She left

Now I know this sounds a bit elementary but when your heart is involved it gets rather complicated if you let it. Why would I have assumed she was thinking of me or wanting to get back together in the above example? The answer is BECAUSE I WANTED HER TO WANT ME BACK.

The sooner I took her words and actions to be the truth, the sooner I always got back on my feet. We can hope for the best all we want but the way I see it is that is someone wants you badly enough, they will do anything to have you. The more we wait and wait and wait for an ex to come back, the longer the imaginary line gets. You will wait and wait. You might even wait so long that your ex is now dating, engaged or even married. Have you ever waited so long that you find out your ex is married and has kids? Why was it that you finally stopped waiting? What made you realize that they moved on possibly weeks before they broke it off with you? It has to do with being honest with yourself. It’s not easy getting over someone but you can do it. Realize that all things happen for a reason. You may not know what it is at the moment but I promise down the road you will understand.

The key to healing is you. You are responsible for your own thoughts, actions and feelings. There isn’t a drug in the world that can take away the memories of your past. You can’t turn love off like a light switch, it merely changes roles. Be grateful that you have felt love and even the heartache though difficult. Learn from your mistakes. Learn that no matter what that life keeps on moving forward. It doesn’t have to do with blaming your current situation on life giving you a unfair shake. It has to do with what you do with the circumstances that life throws at you. You are an extraordinary person. Live your life like there is no tomorrow.

-SuperDave71