I am neither a therapist nor a professional counselor. The following advice is given in a take it or leave it format. The author (me) does not intend for the user (you) to agree 100% with the following but to merely listen with the intent to learn from the author’s mistakes. My post will not give false hope to the user but will give the user a possible different way of dealing with their current situation.
Thank you….and I wish you the best no matter what your situation.
Ever wondered why your ex is “acting that way” or why they are treating you differently now? Ever wondered why they get back in contact with you after months of no contact and they STILL keep you at arms distance? Ever wondered why they “give you signals” yet they can’t commit to you? If you can relate to these types of questions, sit back and relax. Everything is going to be fine. Turn on the ole’ brain and lets continue on shall we?
Years ago, there was a song on the radio my father loved called “The Rubber Band Man”. In all fairness my father cannot sing a note. (Bless his heart! ) but every time he heard this silly song he tried. What does this have to do with the above questions you’re probably asking yourself? Ok ok…I digress.
I call this theory “The Rubber Band effect”. This is NOT a scientific theory but one I have come up with myself. (at least the name..ha ha). What is the rubber band effect? It is a way to pull someone WILLINGLY back to you with minimal effort. Before we get into this I want to make something perfectly clear, this is NOT A TOY, GAME or something that can be used to get your ex back to you to create a loving, positive relationship WITHOUT FIRST UNDERSTANDING basic human psychology. If you expect results quickly, you will be sadly disappointed. Relationships only work if BOTH parties involved want to reconcile. If you are putting forth all the work and expect the other to submit, you again will be sadly disappointed.
**You have been warned**
I have read many threads that have the same premise and they may be worded differently but typically they have the same meaning and the main question asked is “WHAT SHOULD I DO?” Something happened in their situation with an ex that they are confused about and want to get the best advice possible. The wonderful thing about theLoveLogic is that you get advice from thousands of wonderful people that want to help you based on your post or question. I cannot tell you how much I have learned from this forum and how grateful I am to be a positive part of this community.
When we wonder what our next move should be with an ex, first things first, relax. NEVER make a hasty decision. If you want a quick answer, in my opinion, you are usually waiting for someone to tell you exactly what you want to hear in the first place. It’s called validation.
In your head, you are going crazy because you have not heard form your ex in over 3 weeks. You write a post here at theLoveLogic and people (like me) would tell you to continue NC until there are signs of you healing. A few posts later, you get a response saying “Give him or her a call…what could it hurt?” What do you do, you go with what YOU WANTED TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE…you wanted someone to give you permission to call. Was it the smartest decision to make? It’s hard to say but in my experience, it’s better to leave it alone if you can help it.
Think of quick advice that you don’t ponder the ramifications of the action as someone telling you how to disarm a bomb WITHOUT THEM EVEN LOOKING AT THE BOMB ITSELF. How do they know? This same advice goes for anything I post as well. Please don’t get me wrong. I try to post solid advice based on my experience rather than quick fixes. I try to give clear advice but this of course does NOT mean that it is clear TO YOU. Judge wisely.
Did you know the more you don’t see someone or something, the more you miss it? If the object you miss was something that made you happy, you will miss it…no matter what it was. A pet, a friend, family member, a lover and the list can go on and on. Think about it, we are not referring to death. Death is different because we know we will never see them again in the physical body. Death is 100% closure. Breakups are not in the same league. The thing that drives all of us crazy is the NOT KNOWING part. We are forced to make decisions we don’t want to face. The famous “Should I stay or should I go” song comes to mind.
How on earth can we make such decisions based on “should I”? These types of decisions are not easy unless you have allowed yourself some time to evaluate your situation. How do you do this? It’s your call. No one knows your situation better than you do. Here are some things to think about:
1.) Was the relationship a loving one from BOTH parties?
2.) Do you know if you ex is seeing someone else?
3.) Why do you want them back?
4.) If you get them back, what makes you think it was last?
5.) Have you worked on yourself long enough to handle possible rejection?
6.) Are you ok with your ex sleeping with someone else while away?
7.) Has your ex ever cheated on you? Are you sure they won’t do it again?
8.) Can you trust your ex again to love you?
9.) Do you realize that you are NOT responsible for your ex’s happiness but only
Contribute ad vice versa?
10.) Does your ex or you use drugs, alcohol or any other substance to help them deal with life?
The list above may seem excessive but I think it may help you with possible future decisions. Someone who is not happy with themselves is NOT going to make you happy. There are those out there that are trying to get back with an ex because it took them so long to find the one they had. They were shown some sort of attention or love and are more addicted to the FEELING than the person. They tend to obsess over the person because of the feelings they received from them rather than the person and how they contributed to their life in a positive way. Do yourself a favor and let this go… Heal yourself first. Your head and heart will thank you for it later and you will be in a better place to make any rational decisions pertaining to your love life much more clearly than before.
If you and an ex lover have both opened the door to communication, tread with your heart carefully. Just because communication is open does NOT mean that things are normal or back the way they were. If you have ever made that effort to start communicating and you push your luck, you will do exactly that….you will push them away.
**NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING about your ex. Just because you are still in love and want them back and they talk to you on the phone or meet you out DOES NOT MEAN THEY WANT YOU BACK. Remember this!!!!!**
How do you know its ok to open the lines of communication? If you are healthy enough to understand that your ex is a separate person and does not belong to you or owe you anything physically or emotionally and that you both are NO LONGER a couple then you find out they are dating someone new, are engaged or even single and dating and can be perfectly 100% ok with any of the above mentioned, can you even think of communication. Ask anyone that has tried to communicate too early, typically you get burned. We tend to look at the good in everyone until the best idea in your head and the loving intensions in your heart go terribly awry with any act of kindness.
As humans, we tend to want to get what we give. It’s natural and when we don’t get what we give (Like a Return on Investment so to speak) we get disappointed. Everyone get disappointed in different ways. Some lash out, others get mad, some kick and scream, some just roll with it and learn from it as their disappointment is tucked away in the closet of “big mistakes”. What SHOULD we do, well this is where “freedom of choice” is initiated. Should I stay or should I go? If you do not get a valid R.O.I….I say go. They could be an outstanding person and have been a wonderful friend to you when in need but if you don’t get what you give…why stay? If you do stay, you are settling. Is there anything wrong with settling? Depends on what you are settling for.
I am 36 years old and have never been married. I choose not to settle for what I can get but rather what I want and expect. Will it happen? Sure it will! I choose to look at my life in a positive sense rather than negative. How can you say “I will be alone forever if this doesn’t work out!” No way! You are having a pity party and sure you are entitled but if you actually believe it as time progresses, you will become the very thing you don’t want to be….lonely.
The rubber band effect is easy to comprehend. If you let someone go or they let you go, YOU GO. You can kick and scream at home. Cry your eyes out if you must. I did. The fact is, so many of us look at the negative rather than the positive effects it COULD have on your relationship. Let them go….leave them be. You really don’t have a choice anymore. Think of your LOVE, the love you once had or the love that is potentially under the surface of a hurt lover as a rubber band. Though they are walking out the door, they are slowly stretching the rubber band. The more MUTUAL love you both shared, the strong the band (the Bond you share). By leaving your partner alone, you are allowing them free will to give them what they want no matter what it is. You have no control over them.
The more time goes by, have faith that love will bring them back. How strong your rubber band is, depends on what you two shared BEFORE The break. Sometimes, we assume that we LOVED ONE ANOTHER so much when indeed, it was only ONE sided; your side. Let the love you shared for your ex either bring them back, or learn from it. The band either breaks or it pulls them back. Learn to let go to get them to come back.
To give love freely and to have that love returned to you is a gift from God. Have faith that no matter what happens, it was for the best right now. Sometimes in the darkness of ourselves; our own sadness, that love could walk right back in.
Think about it….